Nice day in KL

I was feeling good in the morning's air, walking in the capital city, so I kept my head held high, with a small smile on my face. Some strangers smiled and nodded back, and that felt nice. Especially that one valet guy who politely asked how I was doing. Flattering indeed.

I was wearing the brown outfit I bought from Times Square, plus the feather earrings Shaby and Tari told me to buy. Mama told me to wear it. It seems she really likes the look. She usually disagrees with my choice of fashion. And she's so supportive about Omar too. Ever since I told her about him, she kept bugging me about going out to have Mexican food, so that's why I'm in KL. One of the cooks at the Mexican place even looked a bit like him, haha. It's the eyes and the nose. I told Shaby that, and she accused me of "enjoying the view", but woman, please- My boyfriend is waaay more handsome than that! XD

So yeah, Tari and I spent the day laughing together. Laughter is the best medicine, after all. We planned to nap later in the afternoon, but ended up laughing at more goats, lololol.

It's always nice to be in someone else's home every once in a while, where you'll be treated like family. I would escape to Natsuki's or Ayin's or Tari's house when I'm feeling down. It's simply... nice. C:

A realistic dream

My dream this morning was rather vivid. Probably for the first time, the place setting of the dream was definite from the beginning until the end. It was my old primary school.

So, from there, unresolved feelings of anxiety and depression were represented. Going through a spiritual learning experience is right, indeed. I'm learning and growing so much from so many experiences in life, and it's rather refreshing.

Meeting him in the dream, it was like making a direct contact with his soul. He reacted as though he would if we were dating in real life. I deduced that he was simply too stressed and tired to deal with anything else, so I should work on lifting his spirits up, or leaving him to calm down.

The Reply

I've been trying to keep a clear mind about this. But I can't.

I'm trying to work out a solution or even just think about what I should say. But every time I feel like I'm on the verge of grasping it, something blocks me out.

I probably need a few days off, like before. But I can probably only get that in at least 4 more days or so. Looks like I'll need to toughen this one out.

Dammit, this is going to be difficult.

What can I say to make him feel better? I keep hurting him, what the hell. I thought I was the one usually getting hurt in relationships? Since when did I- I really have changed a lot. Getting addicted to coffee, beginning to tolerate spicy foods, admitting my love for my family... Natsuki's right. She's freaked by my transformation, though I only see it as me, evolving, I suppose. I grew up, that's what happened. Yeah.

But still, I'm growing up so much I'm acting like a nagging wife? Not cool, man.

INFJ - The Protector

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.

http://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ.html

Castle in the Air

I escaped to my personal refugee that situates atop my own house. I climbed up the rooftop without much regard for anything else. I could almost feel the sad frustration spilling out with each clasp on the individual roof shingles, as if I could leave the feeling there and never see them ever again. A piece of loose cement stone rolled off downwards, and I could hear my heart wishing to fall down along with it. I sighed and leaned my head back on the rough surface, facing up towards the blue-black sky. I could see the night lights drowning out most of the twinkling stars, but all these lights were just blurry auras of white and orange to me. It could be the lack of my correction glasses causing it, but perhaps they were amplified due to the welling tears in my eyes.

How I desperately wished he was lying there, next to me, with our hands clasped together and fingers intertwined. I always had thought of taking him up to the roof when he ever does visit. We would scour the small town of Bukit Sentosa from above and I would point out what we could see from up there. He would listen to my endless babbles and stare at my face as I talked, with a dreamy look on his. Then, I would take him on a stroll around the neighbourhood, where I grew up, and tell him all the silly little memories I have in this lane and that. And if we bump into anyone I know, I would proudly introduce him as my eternal lover, and they would wish us well.

But oh, alas! I could only ever dream up these thoughts in my head for now. Every day and night I think about him, and wonder what runs through his mind. Is it me? What kind of thoughts are they? As he works ever-so responsibly, does he dream about meeting me at the end of the day, as well? I am unsatisfied having these questions unanswered, but I suppose... I would have to make do.

Even if that means sobbing about it.

Faizal Tahir - Bencinta

Benarkan ku untuk berbicara,
Bicara terus ke hati mu, hati mu...
Hati yang penuh rasa ragu,
Jangan terus pergi,
Tanpa mendengar ku,
Mungkin mudah,
Untuk kau terus berlalu,
Nanti dulu,
Berikanlah waktu,
Untuk aku; untuk kamu.

[Chorus 1]
Ingatkah lagi waktu kau bersama ku?
Kaku aku melihat mu,
Lidah kelu sedangkan aku,
Mahu kau tahu,
Aku cinta pada mu,
Benci pada mu,
Cinta pada mu.

Ke tepi lihat ku berlalu,
Pasti itu yang terbaik untuk ku,
Tiada lagi mahu ku tahu,
Tentang hidup kamu,
Tentang mati kamu,
Aku tahu,
Engkau tahu apa yang mata ku tahu,
Apa yang kau tunggu?
Mahu aku buka pintu?

[Chorus 2]
Ingatkah lagi waktu kau bersama ku?
Kaku aku melihat mu,
Sedang aku mahu kau tahu,
Dengar kata ku,
Aku cinta padamu,
Benci pada mu,
Cinta pada mu.

Sakitnya aku,
Membenci kamu,
Sakit lagi mencintai mu,
Dan aku pergi,
Tapi kembali,
Benci aku mencintai diri mu,

Ku benci kamu...
Ku cinta kamu...

[Chorus 2]
[Chorus 1]

Ingatkah lagi waktu kau bersama ku?
Dengar kata ku,
Aku cinta pada mu,
Aku benci pada mu,
Aku cinta! Aku benci!

Time Off

So I arrived at my cousin's place today, sometime around lunch. I must admit, I was a little worried I'd have forgotten the way to his place, but as I navigated smoothly without problems, I scoffed at myself and said I'd never get lost going there. I've been frequenting that house for as long as I can remember. Since birth, in fact. I remember the views and scenes I keep seeing out the window from when I was small, and that really helped.

When I got there, my cousins were either still asleep or just waking up. Boy, it sure was a sight to see Zeera, my little cousin, all sprawled out on her parents' bed in an undignified way, lol. I woke her up by purposely speaking, as to let her hear my voice and know that I've arrived. We sat down in the living room with my aunt, Moksu Shidah, who told us that she fell down the stairs that morning. I said, "And you just decided to tell us now?" She replied, "Wellll, the kids were all still sleeping and Uncle Nashar's at work!" Luckily she didn't hit her head or something, though she did get all these red marks on her legs, and I think one is a bit swollen. It was cute how she called her husband that morning though, and was all like, sobbing and, "Honey, are you busy? Did you know I fell down the stairs? TwT"

Ayin finally woke up when I was just showing Zeera and Jeeha some cat videos, short films, and my Pocket-Hearts character, Calenthe. Haha, I complained to them how my sister said she was ugly simply because she has short hair. They called her 'hairist' like you'd call someone a racist. And omigosh, we started talking about how my sister's such a drama queen! I'm surprised she posted a picture of herself (that she also took herself) crying on Facebook, but then again, that's just like her. That's one of the reasons why I escaped to my cousin's house anyway. I don't like being at home, sometimes. We're all too different, and we don't really... click. But here... everyone thinks like me, and we have the same taste and everything. Plus, I can be all cheerful and snuggly with all of them, unlike with my own immediate family. I really like hugs, no matter how awkward I may be at it. |'D

We had croquettes for lunch, and my cousins and Moksu Shidah were discussing about the texture and taste of the croquettes. I observed intently because this family really loves food and cooking. I hope they'd rub off on me so I could be on par with my chef boyfriend, heh. We baked a butter cake and made some pudding/custard. My aunt and I had a debate about what it was, lol. I called it pudding, but she was adamant it was custard. I'm pretty sure I know custard was something else because I've made them before (and won a cooking contest, yeah). =w=

During dessert, Zeera kept making us laugh by choking on her own spit and then spilling her dessert by accident (she claimed her sister pushed her hard, but I doubt it, lol). Then she ran out of milk and went to kitchen to get some more, but passed by the jug and said that she couldn't find it. Moksu Shidah winked at me and said that it was all out. I caught on and played along, as did everyone else. She got so disappointed, and then mad at Jeeha because she said she was the one who finished them all. The chubby little 10-year-old had her 17-year-old sister pinned to the floor, gosh. XD I finally had to intervene and dragged Zeera to the kitchen to show her where the damn jug was, geez (but not before trolling her several times, of course, heheh).

Ayin was always on his PSP, playing Monster Hunter, so he's mostly to himself, and Uncle Nashar was having a fever, so he turned in early. Us, the ladies watched a movie to wait 'til midnight for the coming of a New Year. But when the time came, all we heard were fireworks and we stayed inside. We'd usually be outside, playing with some fireworks, or at least watching others'. It was just another day to us, now. Zeera, however, being the cute little kid that she is, went upstairs to wish her parents a Happy New Year, and then asked me if I needed to call my family to wish them too. I was just like, "Nahhh, pssh-" though I appreciated her sentiment. Gosh, I love this kid. I wish she was my sister. I was hugging her during the movie and she said, "Um, why are you hugging me?" in just the cutest fucking voice, and I said, "Because I love you. I wish my daughter would be as cool as you." :3

Oh yeah, I also let her play with my Bamboo Dock apps when she (cutely) asked. It was amusing, seeing her play this doctor game, which she describes as 'scary', because she keeps ending up killing her patients. She played other games too, and when she keeps screwing up, I only gently told her it was okay, but Ayin said, "Don't encourage her..." since that's his way of 'training' her. (He does this when she plays other games too, like Persona, Kingdom Hearts, Monster Hunter, etc... yeah, she and her siblings are that cool. B'D) So I changed course and said bluntly, "...Okay. Zeera, you suck." And then she replied with a dejected, sighing voice, "I know..." We lol-ed. XD