During the day, I walked around the condo like an emotional zombie, trying to find out where he lives. I finally remembered and waited there. But he wasn't there. He was in KL. I sat in front of his house in vain. I returned to my room and confided in my friend, Nadya. She kindly offered to help. I went to her house in Tower B. She was sick and I made some soup for her and bought her green tea. We hung out a little as I waited for him to come. He had to come, because I knew he had to prepare for his presentation with her the next day.
He finally came at 9:30 pm sharp. I took a sharp breath and walked out to show myself to him. He sort of rolled his eyes and whispered, "Not now." I tried to talk, but I couldn't. Not when I heard those words coming out of his mouth, and with all my friends surrounding us. I sat quietly next to him as he set up his laptop for a moment. I couldn't take it anymore and retreated back to Nadya's room, to cry.
Half an hour passed by. Nadya came inside to tell me, "He just left. Go after him, quick!" I thanked her for all her help and support and ran off. I hoped to catch the same elevator with him, but somehow I missed him. He must've taken the stairs or I really was that late. Anyhow, I took the elevator back down and looked around for him everywhere. I ran to Tower A and looked if he was waiting for the elevators there. There were too many people, and he wasn't among them. I was about to take the stairs when I recognised his red shirt and white cap. I should have worn my glasses, as I couldn't see his face from afar. Still, I was glad I found him and wanted to explain myself again, but of course, he again said, "Not now, please." He walked away into the elevator with his back turned on me.
Oh, how it hurts. I cried right there and then. I dragged myself up the stairs, back to my room and cried some more. Later, I decided that I should confront him anyway. I went back to his house and waited there, in case he comes out. After a little while, I received a text from him, saying that he's losing his trust on me and that he doesn't believe in love anymore. I strongly replied that I did not and would not hurt him. I knocked on his door and hoped he would come out. After several hopeless tries, I buried my face in my arms and cried again.
A neighbouring African man just came out of his house and saw me crying. He asked me what's wrong and wanted to help. He actually knocked on the door and called for him. His house mate finally opened the door, saying he did come home about 10 or 15 minutes ago, but doesn't know where he is now. They knocked on his door and called for him, but there was no answer. It's either he really was in there and did not come out, or he had probably gone out again. It means I barely just missed him again. After thanking those two men, I walked out, crying and ran back downstairs.
I figured he would be at Azrai's house, but I don't know where he lives. I ran to Tower C, to Aery and Jiha's house and asked them, as I thought they would know. I couldn't find out where Azrai's house is from them, therefore I lost. I moped back down and went to sit with Wan and his Korean friends. I couldn't help it and cried more in front of them. I tried explaining between my tears and Wan gave me some advice. He told me to give him time and such. But I'm so afraid I would lose him forever by then... The Korean guys also spoke to me, in broken English, "Don't cry. Please smile. It's pretty." One of them even bought a beverage for me.
I finally calmed down and managed a small smile, for their sake. Wan took me to the food stall in front of the condo to have our dinner. The kind men working there thankfully didn't notice my horribly pale expression, or else they must've asked a lot too. While we were eating, I realised that we were sitting exactly where he and I first actually talked together; when he caught me alone, without my classmates.
He said that it was the only time he had the guts to talk to me. I chatted animatedly to him about my decision to buy Gypsy the hedgehog without my mother's permission. He fell silent and shy again once my friends arrived to accompany me eat. I laughed along with them as he sat eating his burger with his head down. I remember wishing he would talk to me more, but I could see he was terribly shy around my friends. So I allowed him to go sit with Azrai and Fizi when they came. I also remember thinking that it was cute when he's shy.
Sigh, I almost broke down crying in front of Wan again, but he told me not to. I controlled myself and held back tears. We paid for our dinner and went back. The Korean guys from earlier passed by and excitedly waved at me. I couldn't help but smile and wave back. They truly are such nice people. I regained control and returned to my room, feeling better.
Until he called. I quickly went to the front door and saw him outside. I wanted to just give him a hug but he refused. That hurts. We sat in the hall room and talked. I desperately wished he came to give me another chance but all I got was, "I've given up on love."
I held on to him and begged and cried. I only wanted him to see that he should not give up on love. I am not an evil or heartless person. I'm just a victim who never felt real love. I don't know what love is anymore after my previous relationships, but I'm sure it's this. I've never been in a real relationship where I love someone and he loves me back equally. I'm new at this. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I hoped he would teach me and let me see how it's done. I'm always so afraid to hurt the one I loved, so that's why I don't seem to respond much. I don't doubt him. He doesn't know what's inside my heart, because I haven't shown it yet. It's all in there, though. Or else I wouldn't have asked him to get together with me. Why would I hurt someone when I want him so much? He doesn't get the point I'm trying to make because, yes, I admit it, we don't know each other that well yet. That was why I decided that I would try to learn all I could about him in the first week, and then slowly begin to open up to him. I was feeling ready and even began saying "I love you" to him after our conversations on the phone.
Alas, he began to think I was doubting him at the wrong time. He should have given me more time and I swear, he would see my effort. I want this relationship to work more than ever, because I've never had one that lasted.
I can't believe this is happening. It's too early to be happening. I can't believe it. What ever have I done wrong? I've never hurt anyone. I'm just not that kind of person. I never... would... How could my words leave such a deep scar in someone's heart as he accused me of? I just don't do such a hurtful thing...
I wished he'd spend more time together with me and learn more about me as I learn more about him. Throughout the whole way, I accepted every single thing about him, even his flaws. I just want him to observe me better and understand that I am who I am. I may not show much of it, but I was falling in love with him more and more each moment. I may not be good with my emotions and expressions, but I do know that I love him.
When we first got together, I kept singing:
"Time together is just never quite enough. What will it take to make or break this hint of love? We need time, only time... When we're apart whatever are you thinking of? So, tell me, darling, do you wish we'd fall in love? All the time, all the time..."So please give us more time to understand each other deeper. Isn't love supposed to be like that? Isn't it? Please take my heart back with you. I love you.
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