Please be good

So, there is 'something' (someone) who you really trust and respect. You look up to 'it', very highly.

And then suddenly, 'it' betrayed you. 'It' used you. And hurt you. Kicked you down.

How devastating that would be like.

I know now, what it's like. I'm disappointed. Very disappointed. But even after all these, I found that I still love 'it'. Absentmindedly, I showed that I still love 'it', which surprised one part of me, but not another.

What does this mean?

I'm weak? Gullible? Too naive and trusting? Isn't that bad? I'm susceptible to lies and deceits.

But no, most of the time, I'm able to detect those. I know when I am being lied to, or used. But sometimes, I just let it happen to me. Why, I don't know. Maybe to show the deceiver that I still trust 'it', hoping that someday, somehow, 'it' would see my love, honesty and loyalty. And when that happens, 'it' would start to regret what 'it' has done to me and return to face me as a better individual.

No more lies. No more deceits.

How good would that be... I wish it would happen the way I see it.

Strangers

I do not like strangers.

How did I cope when making new friends, you ask? Yes, it's true, I have friends. I have made friends before.

But here it is; to me, strangers are those whom I don't remember from my memories.

I believe, before our souls were connected to our physical beings, we were given the chance to watch our whole lives unfold, and memories of those visions were stored in our mind. However, due to the connection of soul and body, we are partly detached from this storage of memories. Some are heavily detached, some are lightly detached from them.

I am still slightly attached to these memories of old, which explains my aura-reading abilities and location-specific prophetic dreams.

Hypothetically, the people I am most comfortable with are the people whose memories of I remember the most. Therefore, the people I am most uncomfortable with are the people I do not remember, partly or at all.

Life energy

Why do I feel like I'm slowly regaining life?

I am!

Bit by bit, life energy seeps into me, even though I have not had some shuteye for the past 22 hours, or that my legs are still sore and cramped, or when I'm in that time of the month.

I hope this continues for a while, enough to give me the boost I needed.

I'm not as dead or invisible as I used to be anymore, at the time being.

The recurring theme is Master & Slave.

Just as the title says.

Loneliness

I never really knew how extreme loneliness could make you lose grip of your viciously flailing sanity. That's what my sanity is doing, flailing and whipping out of my control.

If I remember correctly, I had been a truly lonely person when I was young. I only had my brother and my cousin during kindergarten years. Then, when I moved to Bukit Sentosa, I guess I was with Xyriel, Facia, Sufi and Khairani most, when I'm not just playing with my brother at home.

At school, I think I mostly just stayed away from everyone else. Since Natsuki talked to me, I began to just mindlessly follow her and the rest of SAMAN.

I never really thought long about what I was doing. I was just... doing.

I wish I have that carelessness now. I wish I could just be oblivious to everything else, not worrying about anything. I'm so, very lonely currently. I want to ignore it all, but I can't, with this developed, always-thinking mind that I have. If only I never had made friends... If only I had never known what I'm missing when not having friends... I could go through this easier.

Now, with my insomnia, I want to use it as an excuse to take sleeping pills, where I can escape reality and just dream. Dreaming dreams are, to me, sweeter than living life.

Talking behind backs

I always secretly like it when somebody talks about me behind my back at all, be it good or bad. It just surprises me every time, because... they actually remember me! Being invisible to others all this time, I developed that kind of thinking. I just really want people to keep talking about me... I don't want people to start forgetting me... I want to pass on my legacy, if I ever have any...

I've always encrypted a different meaning behind my Facebook statuses, usually directing them towards a certain someone. I wonder... if anyone's ever done that to me before.

Particularly this one person.

I feel it's unlikely, but to make myself feel better, I pretended they were meant for me after all.

Bear-man

It's a gift! A gift, I tell you! I keep knowing! I just do!

Even though I can't control it, that's the way it seems to work best.

It's still quite amazing! A wonder to me, every time it happened; each time.

I've always likened him to a bear, and with further research, it all comes down to it, even in his name.

Peculiar! How I knew it. Right on the spot.

I will trust my instincts ever and forever. I will trust my instincts ever and forever.