The things you do

My dear, I love the effort you put in to make this relationship work.

The little things you do... You stroked my hair. You held my hand. You sang to me. You slipped a blanket over me when I slept.

I have never had someone who does that.

I appreciate your presence so much!

Silhouettes - Swimming With Dolphins

I know you won't admit this,
I am just a silhouette to you,
You found comfort with my distance,
But you never let me stray out of your view,

Who really needs the past,
With the allure of something new?
So we split apart at last,
Went back to places that I knew,
Before you...

And you'll never have to see,
The light that wraps itself around me,
And I'll never have to know,
The faces there,
The places you go,
(That you go 4x)

When I can't feel the resistance,
I bend in shapes, in ways that I never knew,
So I'll try to post from my existence,
Yeah, I'll stop or start my heart if you ask me to,
I'll stop my heart and then I'll wait for you...

I was sure I never would be sure we were in love,
(Although it's dark and black...)
I am sure I never will be sure of what to come,
(There is one thing left to hold on to...)
After you...

And you'll never have to see,
The light that wraps itself around me,
And I'll never have to know,
The faces there,
The places you go,
(That you go 4x) 

Be my knight

I'm taking a new risk here. I've never done this before. We don't know each other that much yet, but that can be changed pretty soon. I'll test this out, and hope it works.

Heal me. Protect me.

And I will love you back.

A new step

I've done my first step.

Please stay with me, dearest.

Oh, dear, you.

The first time we met was just... that. Seems like there was nothing special to it. We only shook hands and went down to eat with the others. I remember trying so hard to be one of you guys. I caught on to their jokes and joked back. I wanted to make a sporty first impression.

I noticed now that you probably didn't give a damn about me at the time. You were smoking away your own thoughts.

You didn't realise a thing. Neither did I.

Back then, I was just happy to have found some new friends. Awesome people, at that. Yes, you can smile that smug face of yours. ...Kambang.

Gradually, I began to warm up to each one of you more. I just liked being there with everyone; to be familiarised.

And soon, I began to take notice of your particular presence. You seemed to be closer and closer to me. I was rather pleased when we got to talk while we met each other at campus by coincidence and during that time when you first called me at home. You opened up to me as we talked.

At first, I dismissed it as you, just being friendly. But then the hints grew, and you confessed. I was taken by total surprise, and was a bit nervous, but glad, nevertheless. I knew I was glad because I was liked for who I am, finally. I know I was fully being myself around you and everyone else, since we're normal friends, so there was no way you could've just liked me without realising that.

We had a fun, enjoyable -short- ride together. We sure had some stupid moments, awkward moments, sweet moments and even just quiet moments. I cherished each one of them, and will not forget them. I've embarrassed myself in front of you quite a few times (haha), and you've laughed at me. Erkh, such embarrassing moments for someone as egoistic as me? I normally wouldn't stand it with other people, but I could accept them when I'm with you.

I know that's how it's supposed to be. I want to be comfortable with anything. I don't want to hide anything from you, not behind my ego. The thing being with you is... it's easy. Everything is just so effortless. I don't need to hide or pretend or even try. I really, really liked how it was. It's what I've always wanted to feel with a guy I like.

And now... Well, we both knew it was going to end abruptly like this. I knew it, I knew it. Yet, what did I do? I let it happen, and I let tears fall.

Take a deep breath. It's all part of the process. It's happened a lot before. Falling in love and falling out of it. Now, I already know what the next step for me is.

The only problem is; Will I be able to perform that next step or not?

Men

You left me for another girl. All of you. Am I not ever going to be good enough for anyone?

I'm tired.

George

I had yet another interesting dream last night. My dreams are always so peculiarly attractive to me, that I would do well to record the very significant ones.


I was sneaking around my own house in the darkness of the night with, I couldn't quite tell, but I could sense it was probably a small black dog as a partner. The lights were switched on, indicating that there was someone in there. We climbed up to the flat roof balcony. The black dog watched me, panting quickly and lolling its tongue out as I carefully hung down by the railings and peeked through the window below. I saw some bad people inside my very own house and a feeling of fear mixed with the need to fight them off sparked inside me.

Suddenly, I perked up as I sensed or heard something at the front of the house. My little partner heard it too. We quickly scurried down the steps, hoping the villainous people did not hear us or that noise in front. I was startled when I saw Pixie's mate (whom I have always dubbed George for some reason) slip through the front gate with something in his mouth. I don't know what exactly it was, but I quickly recognised it, for it had Pixie's sense of familiarity. Was it part of her? Her essence? I really don't know.

At first I was slightly infuriated by the fact that George had it with him, and not me. I wanted to grab it away from him, but he was the one who dropped it and looked at me as if he wanted me to have it anyway. Confused, but grateful, I took it. George gave me a look that clearly said, "I am not your enemy." I stared at him and ran to the back of my house again.

I found George had already reached there before me. He was sitting calmly. My partner and I almost got into a fighting stance, as we thought George was challenging us, but he assured me again that he was on my side. He seemed to encourage me to go up and save my house from those bad people and that he would stand guard here for me.


As I placed a foot on the staircase, I looked at him again, feeling sorry for almost accusing him of being the bad one earlier, as well as thankful for helping me despite that. He ushered me to go up, so I did.


And the dream somewhat ended there, I think.


He was clearly guiding and aiding me in my mission.


According to the dream dictionary,

If you are being guided by a dog, it suggests that you are having difficulties in navigating out of a situation or problem. 

That is so true... I'm really in a bit of a pickle right now. Sigh.

Starling Gardens

Huh, I can see how grown up my Johorian friends are... They're so cool. It only makes me wonder how my life and self would've turned out if I had stayed in Johor when I was 12. I would've become one of them. A part of a group of real teenagers. I would've hung out at the mall, and skate in parks, and walked to high school with them. I'll bet high school life there must have been much, much better than... here.

When I was in Standard 6, I was young and clueless, but I was myself, nevertheless. I made good friends with my classmates. We mixed and mingled, and weren't separated by 'groups', 'tribes', or whatever. We were one. I was accepted by everyone, even the teachers and popular kids. Gosh, I missed that kind of feeling...

I wonder what became of the house we rented while we stayed there. It was a lovely semi-D house, perfectly situated in front of the local playground. My brother and I used to play with Pokemon figurines in cardboard buildings that I made myself. I used to love watching him play fishing games on the PSOne. I also loved to watch Lion King DVDs and HITZ.TV after school hours. Oh, and I was obsessed with Harry Potter at the time too! I read all the books and watched the movies. I even went out in the afternoons, looking for suitable sticks and branches to make several wands for me, my brother, my childhood friend Sufi and his sister, Khairani, as well as a miniature flying broomstick and a real-sized one. All four of us rode the broomstick and ran around.

There used to be some stray dogs around our neighbourhood. The family next door told us of one white female dog, dubbed Champlo. She had always been so terrified of thunder and lightning, and would jump through the hole in our gate and cower in front of our door. Sometimes, in the mornings, we would find her sleeping on our doorstep. She once walked my brother to school. There was a bigger light brown male dog, with an obvious name, Brownie. He was a gentle guy, despite his size, since he also once walked beside me to school. He watched after me as I crossed the road and entered through the school gate, and would then leave after seeing me safe. Another dog I befriended was a newcomer that came out of nowhere, a very skinny black dog. I named him Snuffles, because he looked like Sirius Black's Animagus form. We took pity on him and frequently fed him chicken drumsticks. Gradually, he slipped into a happy and healthy form and started to walk beside us too. Too bad the trio had been caught by dog-catchers while we had moved back to Bukit Sentosa. I miss Champlo, Brownie and Snuffles.

Ahh, and on weekends... My family were always usually out. We'd either go to Jusco, or Danga Bay, or the M Suites Hotel. We could go shopping at Jusco and eat out, so it was a real treat. We watched events, performances and played on rides at Danga Bay, or just sit and feel the sea breeze. On the other hand, at the M Suites Hotel, we would always relax in the lounge room, have a bit of supper while listening to the local jazz band playing. Such times were fun and so carefree...

Every Friday, there will be a man selling 'otak-otak' outside the school's back gate. (No, in case you don't know, 'otak-otak' are just skewered fish flesh that are grilled over a small fire, not fish brains.) Since I use the back gate all the time, and since my family seem to love the 'otak-otak' sold there, I would always buy some and have it along with lunch. Oh, I also remember that I used to eat bread with only mayonnaise and mustard as a 'snack'. It is a rather peculiar combination, I know, but it tasted so good.

I remember now. He... A certain someone once asked me, "If you could go back to the past, what would you change?"

I remember my answer now. I said, "Back to when I was 12, I would've convinced my father to stay in Johor."

Sane

My mind and emotions are so tangled up right now, and in addition to that, I am experience physical pains, as well. This is the point where I would stop moving, and just lay there, immobile. I am doing nothing. I know I should be, and I want to, but somehow I can't and I'm not.

I thought returning home and spending time with all my cousins would return my sanity, as it always had, but... It was a temporary effect. It only lingered for a short while and then wisped into thin air.

I feel worse when I thought about how I didn't get to be with... Y...

Well.

What's the point of writing this? I don't know. I'm getting so delirious.

Do save me. Make me feel like myself again.

I don't want to lose you and my own self.

I want to let you know, but I'm always so afraid. I'm a chicken.

I think...

He called me on a quiet midnight.

He uttered my name with a husky voice that sounded so tired.

He said he misses me.

...And later on admitted that he loves me.

I've been waiting for a long time to hear him say that.

I got what I wanted, but I don't think I want it anymore... I think...