Promises

"I promise..."

Promises... They're a type of boundary. You know how I hate boundaries. Therefore, I hate making promises. I avoid making them, if possible.

"Life is full of promises."

I think I've heard that. I think I see the meaning behind it now.

I need.. to be.. free...

Freedom

The more you pull on the leash, the more desperate the creature at the end of the leash will become, just to break free.

I want to be independent!

Envy and Wrath

"If I were to relate myself with one of the 7 deadly sins, I would either be Envy or Wrath."

That's what I told a friend today.

I am such an envious person. I always envy the perfect people around me.

Perfect.

I realise that many people think perfection is just an illusion. But.. It's just that, I think of the people who are better than me (in any way at all) as.. perfect people. It's just a word. I know they're not ALL perfect. It's just a word that I use.

Not to be confused with the 'perfection' I use to describe my love, my friends, though. They're different. I love them. Yes, I love.

Anyway, the fact right now is.. I envy. And then I hate.

After I get jealous, I resort to anger. Here comes wrath...

Rage boils up within me. The aggressive side of me thrashes around, wanting to come out and hurt something. The fire of anger burns red hot. Hatred fills my heart. Uncontrollable violence.

I wish to be free. Not be bounded by the rules of others. I want to be able to do what I want. Spread my now-battered wings and soar free.

I just.. hope my wings will be healed by then.

Towards you

I can be so patheticly helpless at times. I hate that. But I know I needed that. Because this is reality. The real world. Life. We HAVE to face the things we don't like, sooner or later. But we also want the things we like, right? And now, I want love and music; the elements that are actually able to calm me down.

**************************************************************

You are my star,
My guiding light,
In the middle of the dark night,
Where am I?
Will you be my eyes?

I'm lost,
I think I took the wrong turn,
The last time,
I went off on my own,

I may be arrogant at times,
But I know,
Deep down as I dive,
I still need you,
And that is why I will strive,
Towards you.

**************************************************************

I think I'm about to break down. Help?

Endurance

He was right. No pain, no gain.

But still...

I don't think I will gain as much as the pain I had to endure, anyway. I know life is never fair. I know. I know.

So why..? Don't we all have choices to make?

No, wait.. I'm not even allowed to MAKE a choice!

Or at least, not just yet... At least... not yet...

Endure! Endure! Endure!

Now, the question is... Can I really endure that long?

Am I really sure of this? I'm not confused, am I?

No, I'm not. It's just a minor distraction.

Not a bad thing at all, really.

Things just... happen.

Please, don't hope too much. I do not wish to hurt you. I want us to be normal again.

Yet...

I still wonder what will happen if we continue...

Pendorong Hidup

Yes, yes, I know it's in Bahasa Malaysia! This is a song that I wrote when my BM teacher asked me to write one, okay? I just felt like sharing it here. I was surprised that I could even write a song in BM too... But anywho~

****************************************************************

Kau,
Engkaulah inspirasi,
Inspirasiku,
Menjalani hidup,

Kau,
Engkaulah pelengkapnya,
Kau melengkapkan,
Hidupku ini...

Siapalah aku tanpamu?

[Korus]
Tak pernah ku lalui,
Sehari tanpa harapan,
Hanya dengan fikiran,
Fikiran tentang dirimu,
Engkau mendidik aku,
Segala-galanya,
Kau pendorong,
Pendorong hidupku,

Aku percaya!

Kau,
Tak pernah kau berhenti,
Mencurahkan ilmu,
Kepada diriku,

Hanyalah kau,
Engkau yang ku kenali,
Yang tidak pernah,
Berputus asa,

Siapalah aku tanpamu?

[Korus]

Setiap saat ku lalui,
Penuh dengan harapan,
Harapan untuk esok dan seterusnya,
Tak pernah ku merasa,
Perasaan putus asa,
Kerana itulah yang kau ajar...

[Korus]

Tak pernah ku lalui...
(Harapanku untukmu...)
Hanya dengan fikiran...
(Ku fikir tentang kamu...)
Engkau mendidik aku...
(Engkau ajar segalanya...)
Kau pendorong hidupku,
Selama-lamanya...

Aku percaya!

*****************************************************************

Umm, so... what do you think? Corny? Cheesy? Haha.

Mama

Mama, I know I've said that I was never comfortable being around you lots of times before.

But tonight, you made me feel close to you.

I realise now that maybe.. all this time, you were so cranky and angry to me just because you were stressed out and tired from work and all...

You haven't been to work recently, because you had to take care of Adrin, my little sister, who is in hospital for inflammation of the tonsils. You decided to return home for a day, to rest and let Ayah take over alone for a while.

You were surprisingly nice to me today, talking to me about school and even.. my new boyfriend. I thought you would've disapproved immediately, but no, you were happy and excited for us instead. You even thought about our families getting along and gave me the permission to go meet him! I was too shocked.

Thank you, Mama. I'm happy now.

No longer invisible

Isn't it weird, considering how invisible I was all this time, that now, people are starting to notice me?

It's all because I dressed up as a ghost (puntianak/lady vampire) for our promotion of my class, 5 Alpha's Haunted House, which will run on the day of our school's Food Festival on the 28th of June 2009.

There I was, my face heavily powdered white with a bloody red grin on me. I was hiding in one of the cabin classes, and all of a sudden, guys just came around me in a flock! They stared and stared, wondering who I am. One of them spoke up and said, "Oh, it's that prefect girl!"

Great. All this time, I was known only as 'that prefect girl'. Where's my name?

Anyway, they seem to think I was cute and all and some even dared to ask for my phone number! My face was slightly covered by my long hair, but they noticed my embarrassed expression, because they laughed. Of course I rejected, saying that I already have a boyfriend. I mean, come on. Why the hell would I give my cellphone number to all these obnoxious, typical Malay guys anyway?

Later, my 'bodyguard', Lohgan came and he was like, "Hey, hey. Please don't disturb the lady ghost, okay?" Haha, thanks for the effort, Lohgan. But they still messed around with me, anyway.

I enjoyed all the attention people were starting to give me, though. Even when my class teacher, Puan Rohaya entered the class we were using to put make-up on the ghosts, she noticed me first and almost squealed in excitement, "I like! I like!" as she pointed at me. I was just sitting there, with my head drooped down, blood splattered all over my white robe and even dripped from my hands and long sharp nails... I really was proud of myself.

I also enjoyed it when I saw the scared expressions of the female students. Haha, it was priceless!

Love

Love... truly is a wonderful thing.

When I was 13, I thought, "Wow, I'm officially a teenager now... I wonder if my life will turn out like those teenagers I see on TV all the time... This'll be a exciting adventure of a lifetime."

I was right. My adventure was full of excitement. Good ones, bad ones... That's only natural. I have experienced different emotions and feelings.

Anger, happiness, depression, devastation, joy, frustration.

I cannot say I enjoy all of them, but I appreciated all of them. All those twists and turns kneaded me into someone I am now. I understood perfectly that I needed to go through hardship to learn from my mistakes. I made.. mistakes..

But...

I have never thought about actually feeling love at all. I used to be so naive, so innocent, so carefree.

Now that I've felt love (two times, I might add), I'm amazed with myself. "Asuka... You're in love!" I said in my mind.

Though, I am still unable to fully comprehend and understand it thoroughly, because of the complexity of the feelings involved. Believe me, it's complicated. Yet...

It still leaves this cute, fluttery feeling in my chest that makes me sigh all the time.

Have you ever felt love?

Friends

This year, I am proud to say that I've made so many new friends.

Even though that might sound a little too late, considering this is my last year in high school, I shall always appreciate these people.

I never expected this. I know I have the tendency to make friends in a variety of groups, but... Well, who ever knows when exactly they will make a new friend (in my case, or more), right?

Thank you, guys. I really do appreciate you people.

I am a somewhat picky-type of person. I know exactly who I want and who I don't. I rarely announce that I like something, unless I mean it.

I think you know who you are. Congratulate yourselves.