Falling dreams

Lately, I noticed that I keep having dreams of myself falling down from very high in the air.

In one instance, in third-person view, it started out with me as a hero, in a moderately luxurious room full of other heroes, supposedly my comrades. I think there were about 8 or 9 of them. However, little did I know that the others were actually villains in disguise, and that they had succeeded in luring me in and trapping me there. Once I found out their true identities, I ran away from them, trying to escape. With them on my tail, I was feeling extremely panicked. From here, I know that we were in a hotel. I tried hiding in other rooms, but it was no use. I continued running. I reached the end of the hallway, to a window. Hesitating for a moment, I then crashed out the window and fell, all the way from the high-leveled building. I fell on the beautifully kept hotel lawn, and died, neck broken.

Then, suddenly, I reverted back to the scene right before I jumped, and watched it happen all over again. The scene repeated several times, with the difference of my direction of jumps each time. The first one had no direction, I just jumped forward and fell. The second time, it looks like I jumped a little to the right. The next few tries I jumped, I put more and more momentum into them, while aiming to jump more to the right side.

Finally, I fell on the exact spot where I wanted to land, and it left me alive. My real hero comrades came to my aid and I quickly filled them in with what happened. We then split up and dashed in different directions, some going into the drains, into the swimming pool, into the forest of palm trees, and others. One male hero and I ran into the fine diner of the hotel resort. We went to the back of the restaurant to escape, but found that the villains were already rushing in from the back, so we took off again to the front entrance. A couple more villains were also there. We hid and waited for a chance to run out.

After that, I don't really know what happened. Maybe I woke up. Anyway, it was the repeated scenes of me falling from the hotel that bothered me the most. Also, I wished I had known the true identities of my comrades, but I couldn't tell because of our masks and costumes.

Other dreams I remembered that had me falling down repeatedly involved extravagant contraptions/inventions, such as a huge mechanical horse-like transportation, and a really tall high wheeler bicycle.

It was really scary, the feeling I get while riding that bicycle. I was about 100 feet up in the air! I was cycling on a marked path flanked by a forest of trees. I could see a company of men who happened to be loggers. They waved at me cheerily and... well, I forgot what my reaction was, but I made a u-turn and fell horrendously on a grassy slope.

I think this was a different dream, but related due to the freakishly tall high wheeler bicycle. I was in a downtown area, but it was really foggy then. I could barely see my way, but I know I had been riding for a long time already. There were raised highways in front of me, and I couldn't pass because my mode of transportation is too tall to pass under. So, I made another u-turn, but didn't fall this time. It started raining soon, and I stopped under one of the raised highways for shelter.

There was the sewer, but I didn't have a choice. There were a group of homeless teenagers there, being merry and fishing in the drains. They invited me to join them, but I politely declined and sat in a corner away from everyone else. I listened in on them as they talked about the fog and the rain and the fish. Then, as I drifted away from their conversations, I remember finding a little mouse trapped under a pile of wooden planks and keeping it with me for its safety, telling it "it'll be okay". I looked out as the fog got thicker. I panicked when I couldn't find the other humans with me. I only has the mouse with me... and I woke up.

Dreams are weird, but they are amusing and entertaining the way they are. Perhaps useful, too.

Coded Entry

I'm a confused soul. I recently turned into a horse. I should get a unique tattoo. I fight my battles seriously only when I need to. The earthquake is a natural disaster. Beatific. Rebel. Cynic. Chaotic good, that I am. Roses are red, violets are blue. Passionate, and a dreamer.

Unanswered Calls

I'm dying to know when we will be able to see each other again.

It's been so long already.

I wonder if you miss me too.

Even in her arms.

I love your smell

What she says: “I love the way you smell.”
What she means: “I love you, but I don’t dare tell you I love you before you tell me you love me.”
Why she says it: “I just told the guy I’ve been dating for three weeks that I loved the way he smelled,” says Lili De Monseignat, “but it’s more him that I love than his smell.” Then why hold back? Because women know that telling a guy we love him before he tells us could be too much for him to handle. “It’s too soon to tell him I love him, because he’ll freak out and run away!” says Lili. But if you want to be loved, perk your ears up for the word itself. “I love your dog,” “I love your apartment,” “I love the way you dress,” and “I love that you love Indian food” are all signs that something big is bubbling underneath that little heart of hers. In other words, gentlemen, please be gentle. 

- match.com for Yahoo! article "For guys: A guide to girl talk"

I-I didn't know this was as true as it gets...

I said it to him before.

He didn't understand why I said that.

Well... I hope he figures it out now.

The Waltz

At first, I think, I was walking with either Lim or Aery, or both. We were walking through a crowd of people; Limkokwing students. We passed by several people we know. I saw the two namesakes standing side by side, and I greeted you both by your names, which weren't of any difference, obviously. So then, I moved on, knowing that you won't really talk to me when you're with your friends. However, you did the exact opposite. You excused yourself from your same-named 'bro' and proceeded to follow me through the yellow doors of the Life Drawing studio, with the colourful shaped blocks and all.

We sat by a clump of black chairs and tables, looking out at the other students enjoying themselves. You asked me, "So what's happening now?"

"It's time for the dance." I knew it meant nothing to you, that's why I said it so casually.

But you surprised me again by taking my hand and dragging me outside, to the edge of the spot where couples were dancing. You looked at me while you held my hands into a waltz position, saying that you are "a pro at this".

"Really?" I asked as I played along with your steps. I was failing miserably.

You chuckled and taught me to follow you. I looked down and tried to copy your waltzing steps, and was improving with each step backwards. Then, I realised that both my hands were in yours, and I placed my left one on your waist. You took that hand and placed it on your right shoulder, which was the correct position. I blushed stupidly. You smile told me it was a laughing smile, but you said nothing and began to bury your face in the left side of my neck. You were embracing me! It was so shocking that it took me a few moments before doing the same to you. We were still dancing in a small circle.

I asked you, "Um, am I too short?" since you had to bend down to hug me.

"No, it's okay," you answered, your reply a bit muffled.

There was beautiful silence between us as we continued to dance. Suddenly, I heard the cheers of others. I peeked to see our Indonesian friends, including your namesake, surrounding us, clapping and whistling. You didn't seem to care while I blushed profusely. We continued to dance more, before finally ending it with a twirl, to which our friends clapped more. We broke away from each other's grasps. You were bombarded with questions by the boys, while the girls followed me as I tried to hide my reddened face behind a pillar.

When I woke up, I just smiled at the thought of you, returning your love to me. If we really do have a prom at Limkokwing, I wish it would be like this one.

Two people who like each other

I-I wonder why you haven't been hanging out with me for more than a week now... Sure, you do visit every few days, but you only come and go... The joy I get from seeing your face died quickly... It just made me wonder whether or not you have someone else to replace me. Are... Aren't we still two people who like each other...?

You're going back today, and so am I. I expected you to come by last night, but you never did... Have your feelings for me disappeared completely? We have been detached from each other for a week now, and a week more will be added starting today... Plus, there's that overseas trip that you're taking for another week... That's three weeks, almost adding up to a month of us being away from each other.

Did you ever know how I express my frustrations physically towards the wall, right after you left, every time?

Did you ever know how I cried that one particular night because I was just extremely lonely?

Did you ever know how long I stared at your name on my phone, contemplating whether to call you or not?

The thing with me is, I'm not very good at asking for something at all. If I ever did it, know that I fought with myself so long and hard before finally coming to that decision. In this case, I was too afraid to ask for your time and attention.

I miss your company.

Escaping Reality

I'm getting disoriented.

I'm seeing things as they are naturally not.

Am I slowly falling deeper into the world of fantasy that I have always dreamed of?

I hope I do so... painlessly.

Please be good

So, there is 'something' (someone) who you really trust and respect. You look up to 'it', very highly.

And then suddenly, 'it' betrayed you. 'It' used you. And hurt you. Kicked you down.

How devastating that would be like.

I know now, what it's like. I'm disappointed. Very disappointed. But even after all these, I found that I still love 'it'. Absentmindedly, I showed that I still love 'it', which surprised one part of me, but not another.

What does this mean?

I'm weak? Gullible? Too naive and trusting? Isn't that bad? I'm susceptible to lies and deceits.

But no, most of the time, I'm able to detect those. I know when I am being lied to, or used. But sometimes, I just let it happen to me. Why, I don't know. Maybe to show the deceiver that I still trust 'it', hoping that someday, somehow, 'it' would see my love, honesty and loyalty. And when that happens, 'it' would start to regret what 'it' has done to me and return to face me as a better individual.

No more lies. No more deceits.

How good would that be... I wish it would happen the way I see it.

Strangers

I do not like strangers.

How did I cope when making new friends, you ask? Yes, it's true, I have friends. I have made friends before.

But here it is; to me, strangers are those whom I don't remember from my memories.

I believe, before our souls were connected to our physical beings, we were given the chance to watch our whole lives unfold, and memories of those visions were stored in our mind. However, due to the connection of soul and body, we are partly detached from this storage of memories. Some are heavily detached, some are lightly detached from them.

I am still slightly attached to these memories of old, which explains my aura-reading abilities and location-specific prophetic dreams.

Hypothetically, the people I am most comfortable with are the people whose memories of I remember the most. Therefore, the people I am most uncomfortable with are the people I do not remember, partly or at all.

Life energy

Why do I feel like I'm slowly regaining life?

I am!

Bit by bit, life energy seeps into me, even though I have not had some shuteye for the past 22 hours, or that my legs are still sore and cramped, or when I'm in that time of the month.

I hope this continues for a while, enough to give me the boost I needed.

I'm not as dead or invisible as I used to be anymore, at the time being.

The recurring theme is Master & Slave.

Just as the title says.

Loneliness

I never really knew how extreme loneliness could make you lose grip of your viciously flailing sanity. That's what my sanity is doing, flailing and whipping out of my control.

If I remember correctly, I had been a truly lonely person when I was young. I only had my brother and my cousin during kindergarten years. Then, when I moved to Bukit Sentosa, I guess I was with Xyriel, Facia, Sufi and Khairani most, when I'm not just playing with my brother at home.

At school, I think I mostly just stayed away from everyone else. Since Natsuki talked to me, I began to just mindlessly follow her and the rest of SAMAN.

I never really thought long about what I was doing. I was just... doing.

I wish I have that carelessness now. I wish I could just be oblivious to everything else, not worrying about anything. I'm so, very lonely currently. I want to ignore it all, but I can't, with this developed, always-thinking mind that I have. If only I never had made friends... If only I had never known what I'm missing when not having friends... I could go through this easier.

Now, with my insomnia, I want to use it as an excuse to take sleeping pills, where I can escape reality and just dream. Dreaming dreams are, to me, sweeter than living life.