Chasing A Bear

I saw him this morning, with his namesake friend. He was carrying something large over his shoulder, encased in an art bag, I think. He was also carrying his usual brown bag with him. He was dressed so nice; it made him look really dashing.

...I don't know why I'm crying now, just after I wrote that. Bay of Pigs by Destroyer is currently playing. The tune struck something within me. And I'm thinking now... about how I am falling for him. How he looks cuter and more handsome every day. I wish I could swoon over him and let him know that. I want to let him know how good he looks, blushing at the same time. I want to hug him and breathe in the scent of his body. I'm crying over all these inner feelings.

He glanced sideways, just by a little bit, to catch my eye. I pretended to look surprised then, and expected him to say something. But instead, he turned back to look in front of him as he kept on walking quickly. I almost called out to him, but then Aery called me instead. She was eating a muffin as she greeted me and asked me where I was going.

I stuttered for a bit, worrying about losing him, before replying, "To the convenience store, to buy breakfast."

She said she was going to class, so we said goodbye and parted. I looked for him and briefly saw him going in the direction of the car park, instead of going in the first bus. It's either he was getting a ride on a friend's car, or taking a cab, or the second bus. I went inside the store before I could see where he disappeared to. Maybe he took the first bus? I... I regretted not talking to him.

I miss him. It feels like we haven't talked with or seen each other in a long time. Why did he have to do that? He's always like that whenever I see him outside. Just one bland look is all I get. No smile, not even a simple hi. Contrary to how it was before, back when I was a freshman. At least he talked to me when he saw me at campus.

But of course, that time, he was the one chasing me. I guess I'm doing all the chasing now...

An Act Of Rebel

I have the urge.

Acting on impulse!

Bicycles

Seriously.

I've been having too many dreams concerning me on a bicycle, and falling off it quite frequently. This is unacceptable to me, because I believe I have conquered my fear of falling off a bicycle a long time ago! I remember training myself to cycle in an '8' pattern in the backyard just to work on my turns so I wouldn't fall down. I did fall several times, but I managed to master it at last, and it was not a kiddie bicycle! In fact, only the tips of my toes reach the ground when I stopped, so yes, I was proud of that achievement.

Then, as a teenager, I made cycling part of my daily routine. I started out going out alone, rounding the neighbourhood to exercise and get skinnier (which actually worked; I am now average-sized rather than chubby). Then, I began to cover more distance in a day, and I always passed by in front of my ex-lover's house, hoping he would be on the balcony, looking out for me, every single time. Obviously, that never happened, although I would -very- occasionally bump into him on the streets, either back from tuition classes or dance practices. He's pretty much into his breakdancing, so I hear.

Ahem, anyway.

Eventually, I met my two boys from the 'hood, Shanthen and Caezun. We cycled together around the neighbourhood a lot and hung out at the park. From there I made acquaintances with more of the boys at the park; the soccer players and some of the punks...

...Isk, dammit, I always get off-topic.

Getting back to the main point, I love cycling. It apparently played a big role in my life, and now, I'm getting nightmares of myself falling off bicycles, and when I'm not falling, I'm always anxious about falling down. What does this mean?

Well, I went to research on its meanings and it turns out it was because of my desires of regaining balance in my life. It's true... I've been too hectic, and too intent on trying to make things right, but at the same time worrying about it. What if my actions fail? What if I can't? What if... what if... That's why I've been falling off my bicycle. I need to get back on track, but I've forgotten how. I wish there was a solution to this, though...

I have a feeling there will be more of me falling off bicycles in my sleep later on...