I feel so...

I feel so down. I feel so unsatisfied. I feel so envious. I feel so full of grudge. I feel so negative. I feel so frustrated. I feel so sad. I feel so pathetic.

Mood swings are getting to me again.

Oh no, oh no, oh no.

I wish someone would save me quickly.

Stop talking

The more you talk to me, the weaker you appear in my eyes.

So, will you please just stop talking to me?

I don't even like you. I'm sick of pretending to be nice in front of you. It sickens me.

Go away, you cowardly 'lion'.

You don't even deserve to use that name. It's such a disgrace to the real proud and brave lions.

Sorry and thank you

Thank you for being jealous.

Sorry for my confession.

Addicted

I hate getting addicted to something. It just makes me so vulnerable and so susceptible to something that would only lead me to my downfall.

I'm addicted to you.

I might even love you, but I should know better than to say that.

I don't know how I'm going to get through days without you, but I know I will. I just hope I could distract myself long enough so that I wouldn't be caught thinking about you.

I secretly wish you would miss me and think about me, too. I think you do, and you proved it the other day. But I'd still say I secretly wish you do.

...I love you.

Strong feelings expose themselves in the night.

I told my father how I was invisible during my high school years. We were talking about popularity. I told him I have a strong desire to be popular; to be known by others. And yet I was unseen, at school, and people despised me for trying to stand out. He strongly encouraged me to go out and be popular. I told him how I am getting nearer to that goal, since I have achieved rather high marks in my Design and Creative Studies classes.

But still, I realised that my progress must have seemed slow, small and unimportant to him.

He had always been the popular one; anywhere at all. He is quick-witted, quirky, sarcastic and most importantly, powerful.

Damn it. I want to be like him. I'm so... envious of him.

Why can't I stand out just like that? Simply straightforward. I want people to immediately feel my special aura whenever they're around me, just the way my dad gives out this sort of sensation. I respect him so much for that special ability.

But there was another thing he said tonight... One that I'm not sure I would agree with or not...

"Never reveal to anyone your weaknesses. Not even your CLOSEST friends. You'll never be friends forever. And once you're not friends anymore, they're sure to use your weaknesses to bring you down. That's why I don't believe in best friends."

Only now do I realise how painful those words struck my heart and soul.

How could he say that...?

No. Deep down inside me, I know there's a part of me that agrees with him. Having friends is just an annoyance; a barrier. They can be like a huge, immovable obstacle that's getting in my way of reaching my dream to becoming widely known.

Relationships are such a hindrance.

So why am I still crying over relationships I've made with other people in my life?

I want to be alone

Dammit, I'm so tangled up; tangled up in this mass of mixed feelings. Why can't I just be alone and not worry about others?

Having love and friends sure are wonderful sometimes, but... aren't they the cause of angry arguments and depressed situations?

Why can't I just be alone from the start so that I don't get addicted to the 'wonderful' feelings love and friends give me? I wouldn't know what I'd miss if I had been alone from the very beginning...

I need to be alone...

I can see

I keep saying, "I saw this coming."

So why didn't I stop it from happening?

I remember you

You know, I thought I would feel differently whenever I meet new people.

But since I came to Cyberjaya, I couldn't help but feel as if the people I have met here are very familiar to me; as if I've met them before.

My deja vu intuitions are probably getting stronger.

I know how I've met everyone in my life in the time before I actually came to life, and now that I'm alive, it's only a matter of remembering.

Some I remember more clearly than others, some I don't quite remember but the memory's there.

Well, I just like to feel amazed at these things. Even though it's happened a lot of times before, I still feel so amazed.

Half a semester...

Half a semester had already passed by. I didn't even realise 6 weeks could come and go that easily. I guess I really have been enjoying myself here.

I smiled at the thought of myself when I first arrived here. Excited, nervous, clueless.

The first day my room mate, Elli introduced me to her friends, I looked at them in a different way than now. They have all been kind to me and kept me entertained at all times. My classmates, who helped me with my assignments and accompanied me when I needed them. I'm just so grateful for having such honest, sincere friends here.

And this is only the beginning.

I have many more years to come in Limkokwing University of Creative Technology.

I hope I'll find more people who like me for who I am here.