Beginning of the Aftermath

Well, that went, more or less, just the way we thought it would be. Right, Takaze?

I did somewhat wish they could do it worse. Can't they see how much I needed the help?

They will never understand my masochism.

Having someone to hold the reins on me is just what I need. And it's better to forcefully pull the reins, rather than just holding it very loosely.

Comic Fiesta 2011 - First day

We arrived at KLCC at 11 o'clock in the morning, and my, oh, my. The line for buying tickets was as long as it could ever be! We had to wait four hours just to get in! But it was worth it. I got a clear idea of what it is like inside, so I can prepare myself better for tomorrow. I've seen what was on sale, and I've seen some pretty interesting performances on the stage. There were also a lot of  awesome cosplayers around! Man, their costumes get better, and better! I don't think I saw any half-assed costumes... Oh, I hope my Blaziken get-up isn't so bad at all...

Well! Tomorrow is the big day! Blaziken will make her debut, and I will be prepared! I'm going to stay there all day and walk around in my costume for people to admire and gawk at.

Hey, you.

I really love you. I can't sleep without you. I'm always missing you.

But when you're already in front of me, I get tongue-tied, all the time, up until now. Whatever I have thought up for you to hear, I always never manage to get them out. It always came out wrong, or as some other topic, or I pretended to say it so very casually that you probably didn't understand how much it meant to me to say it.

And when you touch me, or however way we come in contact, no matter how small, I get that electrical shock running through me, and my heart skips a beat before beating faster than ever. 

I love talking about you to my friends, repeating the silly jokes you ever told me. I will always feel so joyful and giddy inside when I do. 

Whenever I spot you anywhere outside of my room, there always seem to be something caught in my throat. I suppose it was my heart, leaping out to get you. Not only that, a smile will also creep up to my lips when I see you. 

I absolutely enjoy hearing you talk, and talk, and talk. I may act as if I'm annoyed by your endless babbling, but when you're not looking, I hid a small smile of sheer happiness.

I guess what I'm saying is... I keep, and never stopped, falling in love with you.

I only wonder if you know, since I never asked you. I'm too scared to hear your answer, to tell you the truth, but I really am curious.

Umm... never mind.

Urban Jungle

This place... now I know why they call it the urban jungle...

If I were to survive in a real jungle, it would mean little fresh water. I would have to sleep on the hard ground and itchy leaves without much comfort. Food will be scarce and hard to come by. Temperatures will be uneven and harsh. Company will be out of the question. My energy would be constantly drained away. Personal hygiene must be kept to prevent diseases from getting me. The immense fear from being spotted by predators.

Red lips

My lips are bare.

They are red with blood... and I can feel it flowing.

The pain...

I feel so exposed, and unprotected without barriers.

He can't sleep

I do hope that girl he meant was me. Because I miss him too.

Gramedia

Yesterday I went to The Mines with Lim. He wanted to get a new cage for his hamsters at the Pet Lovers' Center while I wanted to get a book I've been aiming at Gramedia Bookstore. The last time I went there was with Bond, Mega and Tari.

I had suffered the strongest of the pain I felt in my side. It never had come to that level of pain before. I wondered why.

And yesterday, after I had retrieved my book, I went to meet up with Lim when the pain in my right side happened again, albeit with less force. Not only that, as we both exited Gramedia, we simultaneously felt sudden headaches. Odd, indeed.

I went there again, today, alone. But to my dismay, nothing in particular happened.

Perhaps it only works when I have company? I shall try again next week, with Tari.

The Big Five-O

So we held a birthday party for Ayah today, since he's turning 50 years old now. That's half a century, when you think about it.

Moksu Shidah, Mak Tah, Mokde, Aunty Lim, Abang In and Ayah's cousin, Aunty Ani came. And then there were Shahrul's and Adrin's friends too. I wanted to invite Natsuki but she had to paint her house today. Besides, Jeeha was there anyway, so basically I had a friend. Too bad Ayin wasn't here. It's so different without him around. I'm kind of jealous of that... I bet no one would really notice if I was the one absent. It's unfair. I thought I was supposed to be second-in-command, since we are counterparts. Especially after hearing Jeeha telling me about all the old baby pictures she found of us. I... I can't believe there was a picture of us kissing! =/////=

We had some usual family laughs. Our inside jokes and everything. The barbeque was handled by my brother and his friends, and they made quite a ruckus. When it was time for the water balloon fight, I tried to hit my father with it, but it exploded on one of Shahrul's friends instead. Ah, well. At least he didn't try for a revenge on me. When I was asked by Uncle Nashar whether or not I won or lost the water balloon fight, I answered, "Neither". Didn't really get to hit anyone and I was still dry.

Then we brought out the cake, which was very delicious, even for someone who isn't a chocolate addict. While everyone else went to see Ayah open up his presents, my girl cousins and I stayed around the dining table, talking about boyfriends. Abang Hafiz sat with us for a while, silent, and left to follow the aunties. He's definitely weird. Anyway, while we talked, we finished Mak Yam's perfect apple crumble. Oh man, it really was heavenly. I'm definitely going to have it again.

Just as we were having a lot of fun, laughing, suddenly, all the adults were calling out the dreaded call of, "Okay! Let's go home!".

Only Jeeha's family stayed until at least 8pm. And that was thanks to Adrin and Zeera taking a long time in the bathtub. As usual, we tried to prolong their stay by luring them with more chicken. And that meant they had to stay for the chicken to cook. That was an hour long! In the end, we lost, but oh well. It's just different without Ayin, that's most of the part.

Also, I cut my finger.

Ursine pheromones

Ohh.

Seriously, your smell... It is so invigorating!

I love to bury my face in your back, drinking in the strong scent on your shirt and body. Even after you left, I would sniff where you had been, where your scent still lingers.

It is unnaturally addictive to me, I dare say, like a drug. It makes me feel fine and calm, yet I also feel the urge of violence stirring inside me. It makes me go insane! I feel like grabbing hold of you and never let go, just so I could continue to enjoy your redolence.

Chasing A Bear

I saw him this morning, with his namesake friend. He was carrying something large over his shoulder, encased in an art bag, I think. He was also carrying his usual brown bag with him. He was dressed so nice; it made him look really dashing.

...I don't know why I'm crying now, just after I wrote that. Bay of Pigs by Destroyer is currently playing. The tune struck something within me. And I'm thinking now... about how I am falling for him. How he looks cuter and more handsome every day. I wish I could swoon over him and let him know that. I want to let him know how good he looks, blushing at the same time. I want to hug him and breathe in the scent of his body. I'm crying over all these inner feelings.

He glanced sideways, just by a little bit, to catch my eye. I pretended to look surprised then, and expected him to say something. But instead, he turned back to look in front of him as he kept on walking quickly. I almost called out to him, but then Aery called me instead. She was eating a muffin as she greeted me and asked me where I was going.

I stuttered for a bit, worrying about losing him, before replying, "To the convenience store, to buy breakfast."

She said she was going to class, so we said goodbye and parted. I looked for him and briefly saw him going in the direction of the car park, instead of going in the first bus. It's either he was getting a ride on a friend's car, or taking a cab, or the second bus. I went inside the store before I could see where he disappeared to. Maybe he took the first bus? I... I regretted not talking to him.

I miss him. It feels like we haven't talked with or seen each other in a long time. Why did he have to do that? He's always like that whenever I see him outside. Just one bland look is all I get. No smile, not even a simple hi. Contrary to how it was before, back when I was a freshman. At least he talked to me when he saw me at campus.

But of course, that time, he was the one chasing me. I guess I'm doing all the chasing now...

An Act Of Rebel

I have the urge.

Acting on impulse!

Bicycles

Seriously.

I've been having too many dreams concerning me on a bicycle, and falling off it quite frequently. This is unacceptable to me, because I believe I have conquered my fear of falling off a bicycle a long time ago! I remember training myself to cycle in an '8' pattern in the backyard just to work on my turns so I wouldn't fall down. I did fall several times, but I managed to master it at last, and it was not a kiddie bicycle! In fact, only the tips of my toes reach the ground when I stopped, so yes, I was proud of that achievement.

Then, as a teenager, I made cycling part of my daily routine. I started out going out alone, rounding the neighbourhood to exercise and get skinnier (which actually worked; I am now average-sized rather than chubby). Then, I began to cover more distance in a day, and I always passed by in front of my ex-lover's house, hoping he would be on the balcony, looking out for me, every single time. Obviously, that never happened, although I would -very- occasionally bump into him on the streets, either back from tuition classes or dance practices. He's pretty much into his breakdancing, so I hear.

Ahem, anyway.

Eventually, I met my two boys from the 'hood, Shanthen and Caezun. We cycled together around the neighbourhood a lot and hung out at the park. From there I made acquaintances with more of the boys at the park; the soccer players and some of the punks...

...Isk, dammit, I always get off-topic.

Getting back to the main point, I love cycling. It apparently played a big role in my life, and now, I'm getting nightmares of myself falling off bicycles, and when I'm not falling, I'm always anxious about falling down. What does this mean?

Well, I went to research on its meanings and it turns out it was because of my desires of regaining balance in my life. It's true... I've been too hectic, and too intent on trying to make things right, but at the same time worrying about it. What if my actions fail? What if I can't? What if... what if... That's why I've been falling off my bicycle. I need to get back on track, but I've forgotten how. I wish there was a solution to this, though...

I have a feeling there will be more of me falling off bicycles in my sleep later on...

Falling dreams

Lately, I noticed that I keep having dreams of myself falling down from very high in the air.

In one instance, in third-person view, it started out with me as a hero, in a moderately luxurious room full of other heroes, supposedly my comrades. I think there were about 8 or 9 of them. However, little did I know that the others were actually villains in disguise, and that they had succeeded in luring me in and trapping me there. Once I found out their true identities, I ran away from them, trying to escape. With them on my tail, I was feeling extremely panicked. From here, I know that we were in a hotel. I tried hiding in other rooms, but it was no use. I continued running. I reached the end of the hallway, to a window. Hesitating for a moment, I then crashed out the window and fell, all the way from the high-leveled building. I fell on the beautifully kept hotel lawn, and died, neck broken.

Then, suddenly, I reverted back to the scene right before I jumped, and watched it happen all over again. The scene repeated several times, with the difference of my direction of jumps each time. The first one had no direction, I just jumped forward and fell. The second time, it looks like I jumped a little to the right. The next few tries I jumped, I put more and more momentum into them, while aiming to jump more to the right side.

Finally, I fell on the exact spot where I wanted to land, and it left me alive. My real hero comrades came to my aid and I quickly filled them in with what happened. We then split up and dashed in different directions, some going into the drains, into the swimming pool, into the forest of palm trees, and others. One male hero and I ran into the fine diner of the hotel resort. We went to the back of the restaurant to escape, but found that the villains were already rushing in from the back, so we took off again to the front entrance. A couple more villains were also there. We hid and waited for a chance to run out.

After that, I don't really know what happened. Maybe I woke up. Anyway, it was the repeated scenes of me falling from the hotel that bothered me the most. Also, I wished I had known the true identities of my comrades, but I couldn't tell because of our masks and costumes.

Other dreams I remembered that had me falling down repeatedly involved extravagant contraptions/inventions, such as a huge mechanical horse-like transportation, and a really tall high wheeler bicycle.

It was really scary, the feeling I get while riding that bicycle. I was about 100 feet up in the air! I was cycling on a marked path flanked by a forest of trees. I could see a company of men who happened to be loggers. They waved at me cheerily and... well, I forgot what my reaction was, but I made a u-turn and fell horrendously on a grassy slope.

I think this was a different dream, but related due to the freakishly tall high wheeler bicycle. I was in a downtown area, but it was really foggy then. I could barely see my way, but I know I had been riding for a long time already. There were raised highways in front of me, and I couldn't pass because my mode of transportation is too tall to pass under. So, I made another u-turn, but didn't fall this time. It started raining soon, and I stopped under one of the raised highways for shelter.

There was the sewer, but I didn't have a choice. There were a group of homeless teenagers there, being merry and fishing in the drains. They invited me to join them, but I politely declined and sat in a corner away from everyone else. I listened in on them as they talked about the fog and the rain and the fish. Then, as I drifted away from their conversations, I remember finding a little mouse trapped under a pile of wooden planks and keeping it with me for its safety, telling it "it'll be okay". I looked out as the fog got thicker. I panicked when I couldn't find the other humans with me. I only has the mouse with me... and I woke up.

Dreams are weird, but they are amusing and entertaining the way they are. Perhaps useful, too.

Coded Entry

I'm a confused soul. I recently turned into a horse. I should get a unique tattoo. I fight my battles seriously only when I need to. The earthquake is a natural disaster. Beatific. Rebel. Cynic. Chaotic good, that I am. Roses are red, violets are blue. Passionate, and a dreamer.

Unanswered Calls

I'm dying to know when we will be able to see each other again.

It's been so long already.

I wonder if you miss me too.

Even in her arms.

I love your smell

What she says: “I love the way you smell.”
What she means: “I love you, but I don’t dare tell you I love you before you tell me you love me.”
Why she says it: “I just told the guy I’ve been dating for three weeks that I loved the way he smelled,” says Lili De Monseignat, “but it’s more him that I love than his smell.” Then why hold back? Because women know that telling a guy we love him before he tells us could be too much for him to handle. “It’s too soon to tell him I love him, because he’ll freak out and run away!” says Lili. But if you want to be loved, perk your ears up for the word itself. “I love your dog,” “I love your apartment,” “I love the way you dress,” and “I love that you love Indian food” are all signs that something big is bubbling underneath that little heart of hers. In other words, gentlemen, please be gentle. 

- match.com for Yahoo! article "For guys: A guide to girl talk"

I-I didn't know this was as true as it gets...

I said it to him before.

He didn't understand why I said that.

Well... I hope he figures it out now.

The Waltz

At first, I think, I was walking with either Lim or Aery, or both. We were walking through a crowd of people; Limkokwing students. We passed by several people we know. I saw the two namesakes standing side by side, and I greeted you both by your names, which weren't of any difference, obviously. So then, I moved on, knowing that you won't really talk to me when you're with your friends. However, you did the exact opposite. You excused yourself from your same-named 'bro' and proceeded to follow me through the yellow doors of the Life Drawing studio, with the colourful shaped blocks and all.

We sat by a clump of black chairs and tables, looking out at the other students enjoying themselves. You asked me, "So what's happening now?"

"It's time for the dance." I knew it meant nothing to you, that's why I said it so casually.

But you surprised me again by taking my hand and dragging me outside, to the edge of the spot where couples were dancing. You looked at me while you held my hands into a waltz position, saying that you are "a pro at this".

"Really?" I asked as I played along with your steps. I was failing miserably.

You chuckled and taught me to follow you. I looked down and tried to copy your waltzing steps, and was improving with each step backwards. Then, I realised that both my hands were in yours, and I placed my left one on your waist. You took that hand and placed it on your right shoulder, which was the correct position. I blushed stupidly. You smile told me it was a laughing smile, but you said nothing and began to bury your face in the left side of my neck. You were embracing me! It was so shocking that it took me a few moments before doing the same to you. We were still dancing in a small circle.

I asked you, "Um, am I too short?" since you had to bend down to hug me.

"No, it's okay," you answered, your reply a bit muffled.

There was beautiful silence between us as we continued to dance. Suddenly, I heard the cheers of others. I peeked to see our Indonesian friends, including your namesake, surrounding us, clapping and whistling. You didn't seem to care while I blushed profusely. We continued to dance more, before finally ending it with a twirl, to which our friends clapped more. We broke away from each other's grasps. You were bombarded with questions by the boys, while the girls followed me as I tried to hide my reddened face behind a pillar.

When I woke up, I just smiled at the thought of you, returning your love to me. If we really do have a prom at Limkokwing, I wish it would be like this one.

Two people who like each other

I-I wonder why you haven't been hanging out with me for more than a week now... Sure, you do visit every few days, but you only come and go... The joy I get from seeing your face died quickly... It just made me wonder whether or not you have someone else to replace me. Are... Aren't we still two people who like each other...?

You're going back today, and so am I. I expected you to come by last night, but you never did... Have your feelings for me disappeared completely? We have been detached from each other for a week now, and a week more will be added starting today... Plus, there's that overseas trip that you're taking for another week... That's three weeks, almost adding up to a month of us being away from each other.

Did you ever know how I express my frustrations physically towards the wall, right after you left, every time?

Did you ever know how I cried that one particular night because I was just extremely lonely?

Did you ever know how long I stared at your name on my phone, contemplating whether to call you or not?

The thing with me is, I'm not very good at asking for something at all. If I ever did it, know that I fought with myself so long and hard before finally coming to that decision. In this case, I was too afraid to ask for your time and attention.

I miss your company.

Escaping Reality

I'm getting disoriented.

I'm seeing things as they are naturally not.

Am I slowly falling deeper into the world of fantasy that I have always dreamed of?

I hope I do so... painlessly.

Please be good

So, there is 'something' (someone) who you really trust and respect. You look up to 'it', very highly.

And then suddenly, 'it' betrayed you. 'It' used you. And hurt you. Kicked you down.

How devastating that would be like.

I know now, what it's like. I'm disappointed. Very disappointed. But even after all these, I found that I still love 'it'. Absentmindedly, I showed that I still love 'it', which surprised one part of me, but not another.

What does this mean?

I'm weak? Gullible? Too naive and trusting? Isn't that bad? I'm susceptible to lies and deceits.

But no, most of the time, I'm able to detect those. I know when I am being lied to, or used. But sometimes, I just let it happen to me. Why, I don't know. Maybe to show the deceiver that I still trust 'it', hoping that someday, somehow, 'it' would see my love, honesty and loyalty. And when that happens, 'it' would start to regret what 'it' has done to me and return to face me as a better individual.

No more lies. No more deceits.

How good would that be... I wish it would happen the way I see it.

Strangers

I do not like strangers.

How did I cope when making new friends, you ask? Yes, it's true, I have friends. I have made friends before.

But here it is; to me, strangers are those whom I don't remember from my memories.

I believe, before our souls were connected to our physical beings, we were given the chance to watch our whole lives unfold, and memories of those visions were stored in our mind. However, due to the connection of soul and body, we are partly detached from this storage of memories. Some are heavily detached, some are lightly detached from them.

I am still slightly attached to these memories of old, which explains my aura-reading abilities and location-specific prophetic dreams.

Hypothetically, the people I am most comfortable with are the people whose memories of I remember the most. Therefore, the people I am most uncomfortable with are the people I do not remember, partly or at all.

Life energy

Why do I feel like I'm slowly regaining life?

I am!

Bit by bit, life energy seeps into me, even though I have not had some shuteye for the past 22 hours, or that my legs are still sore and cramped, or when I'm in that time of the month.

I hope this continues for a while, enough to give me the boost I needed.

I'm not as dead or invisible as I used to be anymore, at the time being.

The recurring theme is Master & Slave.

Just as the title says.

Loneliness

I never really knew how extreme loneliness could make you lose grip of your viciously flailing sanity. That's what my sanity is doing, flailing and whipping out of my control.

If I remember correctly, I had been a truly lonely person when I was young. I only had my brother and my cousin during kindergarten years. Then, when I moved to Bukit Sentosa, I guess I was with Xyriel, Facia, Sufi and Khairani most, when I'm not just playing with my brother at home.

At school, I think I mostly just stayed away from everyone else. Since Natsuki talked to me, I began to just mindlessly follow her and the rest of SAMAN.

I never really thought long about what I was doing. I was just... doing.

I wish I have that carelessness now. I wish I could just be oblivious to everything else, not worrying about anything. I'm so, very lonely currently. I want to ignore it all, but I can't, with this developed, always-thinking mind that I have. If only I never had made friends... If only I had never known what I'm missing when not having friends... I could go through this easier.

Now, with my insomnia, I want to use it as an excuse to take sleeping pills, where I can escape reality and just dream. Dreaming dreams are, to me, sweeter than living life.

Talking behind backs

I always secretly like it when somebody talks about me behind my back at all, be it good or bad. It just surprises me every time, because... they actually remember me! Being invisible to others all this time, I developed that kind of thinking. I just really want people to keep talking about me... I don't want people to start forgetting me... I want to pass on my legacy, if I ever have any...

I've always encrypted a different meaning behind my Facebook statuses, usually directing them towards a certain someone. I wonder... if anyone's ever done that to me before.

Particularly this one person.

I feel it's unlikely, but to make myself feel better, I pretended they were meant for me after all.

Bear-man

It's a gift! A gift, I tell you! I keep knowing! I just do!

Even though I can't control it, that's the way it seems to work best.

It's still quite amazing! A wonder to me, every time it happened; each time.

I've always likened him to a bear, and with further research, it all comes down to it, even in his name.

Peculiar! How I knew it. Right on the spot.

I will trust my instincts ever and forever. I will trust my instincts ever and forever.

Yes, I am jealous.

All those others have been with one, and separated, and are now together again, happier than ever.

It's never happened to me, but to everyone else I know.

Why the hell?

Writing

So, writing down your dreams can actually make them come true, huh?

Here, I write my wishes and dreams then.

I thought it was for me. I really wish you had meant me.

Luscious Destiny

I am the storyteller who has not a clear path.

I display eccentric and careless behaviour.

I am the naive girl who falls prey to humanity.

I am in love with the one who doesn't want me.

I absolutely hate getting left behind.

Wedding Photography

Me: ...You're a wedding photographer, aren't you?

You: Yeah. Why?

Me: ...Umm... Well, when I get married, will you do the honour and take my wedding photos?

You: No fucking way.

Me: ...I-I see...

You: Because I will be the one married to you. Hire someone else to take our wedding photos.

Me: ...I love you.

Communication

I feel as if we've really made a connection there. It's all thanks to honest communication.

I can't wait...

Hey

I miss your voice.

You wrote to me, "See you soon, when I get back there."

It made me giddy with joy.

But I want you to say, "Hey," with your very own voice, right in front of me.

I'd be even happier.

1000 Blackbirds

I wanted to come up with a good new year's resolution, and I started questioning when 1000 blackbirds fell from the sky. A blackbird signifies lack of motivation, and also lust, temptation, jealousy.

Should I... stop all this chasing? ...Could I?