She was standing outside his class, and clearly in sight of him. She was fixing her ponytail with her back turned on him. Finished, she twirled around and saw that he was staring at her. It seemed as if he was staring at her longingly, and as if there was a hint of regret in his eyes, for letting her escape his grasp. She smiled at him, but he didn't release his gaze. After the first few seconds, she began to feel a little awkward and uncomfortable, so she looked to her side and pretended not to notice the long stare too much.
He was with his group of friends. One of his friends turned to look at her and put up a hand in greeting to her, as usual. She returned the greeting with a wave of her hand. As she approached them, his friend took the sketchbook she held in her arms and flipped it open, eager to see more of her new drawings. The others came to take a peek, too. They were all engaged in a short conversation over the drawings for a while, until only the two of them were left. Him and her. He slowly took the sketchbook from her again and looked at her drawings. He stopped at a particular drawing and seemed to ponder about it in his mind. It was a sketch of herself with three of her other male friends. Was he jealous? Was he thinking about being jealous? She couldn't have known for sure. Anyway, he soon returned the sketchbook back to her, said a quick goodbye and left for his next class. She went to hers and gave no further thoughts of him.
Her teacher was not in class. She was doodling in her sketchbook, and when she looked up from the paper, she saw that he was already in her class, talking to some of her classmates. Her classmate had a rather large book in his hands. His friends, including him, were reading it together, grinning at something in particular. She got up to see what it was all about. Apparently, they were grinning at how the writer explained his theories in a very confusing way. They were all chuckling at the irony. In all the laughter, he took the chance and came to stand next to her, still grinning from the words in the book. They talked for a bit. She found out that the thick book was his. All this time, she never knew that he read those kinds of books, or if he ever read at all! She was amazed. She had wanted to talk to him more about it, but he had to leave for Chemistry class, so he bade her another goodbye and walked out of her class. She still found the new fact about him unbelievable, and it was only until then did she start to think.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Sketch
This morning, it rained. It was cool and chilled. I went to the class next door, to hang out with my buddy, Irfan.
I was sitting in Elena's seat, next to Irfan's, and didn't realise that she had wanted to sit there. When I found out she was at the back of the class, waiting for me to leave, I quickly got up and apologised to her, offering her seat back to her.
I got up to leave, but he spoke up.
"Hey. Umm.. Why don't you take another chair and then sit here?"
I stopped in my tracks. He wanted me to stay?
I smiled at him and said that it would be too troublesome. But I stayed anyway. So I shared a seat with Irfan, and I was facing him. I was holding a piece of paper in my hand, and I placed it on his table. I proceeded to smoothen the creases on my uniform, while looking down, avoiding direct eye contact with him.
He took the piece paper, where I had written a little piece of unfinished poem. He smirked slightly when he read it and put it down again. We looked at each other a few times, for a second or two each time we did. Irfan was busy with his Maths homework.
Suddenly, he took my piece of paper again, turned it over and started sketching. I took out my own pencil and doodled on his desk. When he made a mistake, he was searching for an eraser (almost frantically, haha~) and I offered him mine. Our knuckles touched for a quick moment. I noticed that he was nervous around me.
We continued to draw in silence...
I was sitting in Elena's seat, next to Irfan's, and didn't realise that she had wanted to sit there. When I found out she was at the back of the class, waiting for me to leave, I quickly got up and apologised to her, offering her seat back to her.
I got up to leave, but he spoke up.
"Hey. Umm.. Why don't you take another chair and then sit here?"
I stopped in my tracks. He wanted me to stay?
I smiled at him and said that it would be too troublesome. But I stayed anyway. So I shared a seat with Irfan, and I was facing him. I was holding a piece of paper in my hand, and I placed it on his table. I proceeded to smoothen the creases on my uniform, while looking down, avoiding direct eye contact with him.
He took the piece paper, where I had written a little piece of unfinished poem. He smirked slightly when he read it and put it down again. We looked at each other a few times, for a second or two each time we did. Irfan was busy with his Maths homework.
Suddenly, he took my piece of paper again, turned it over and started sketching. I took out my own pencil and doodled on his desk. When he made a mistake, he was searching for an eraser (almost frantically, haha~) and I offered him mine. Our knuckles touched for a quick moment. I noticed that he was nervous around me.
We continued to draw in silence...
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Unbelievable
Let's get straight to business. Two unbelievable things happened to me today.
1) I kissed a girl and I liked it~ Lol.
Well, technically, she kissed me first. It was almost at the end of recess time. I approached Xhuang E and sat on her lap because she told me to. We talked for a bit before she had to line up with the other girls to go to class. While I waited for the teacher to give the prefects the signal to allow the other students to disperse, she suddenly lifted me up, darling-carrying style. I told her to put me down quickly. She did, but a few moments after that, she leaned in to my face with puckered lips. I thought she was simply closing in, not going for a real kiss, just like usual, so I let her be. My mind was wandering somewhere else at the time, anyway. Catching me by surprise, she actually kissed me on my lips after all!
I was stunned for a few seconds, and boy, was I glad with the fact that no teacher saw that... I didn't seem to mind the kiss, by the way, since we kissed two more times in my class. The first of the two was to prove to Xhuang E's brother, Sam, that we did kiss for real, and the next one after that was to prove to Mira, who was surprised, disgusted and scared. They were mere pecks on the lips, not french kisses, don't worry. I ended up chasing after Lia, trying to give her a kiss too, but she feared me. Hahaha..
2) I walked back home with my ex. Omg!
School just ended, and he just got out of his class, just like me. I smiled at him, acknowledging him.
He approached me and asked, "Hey. So where are you going?"
"Oh, just home. I'm going home."
Then, he told me he wanted to call his friend and turned back. I nodded but quickly walked on ahead, rushing outside the school. I walked slower once I was at the corner of the road back to my neighbourhood. And there he was, on my left, with quick steps, too. I had wanted to ask him to fix my guitar string and tune it up for me, but I only asked him how to do it myself. I didn't want him to get too comfortable with me, I guess.
After he explained to me how to do it, I replied with a simple "Oh," and it was quiet between us for a moment.
"Did you get your answer yet?" he asked me, out of the blue.
"No, not yet. He's probably busy with university right now. I don't mind."
It was awkward when your ex-boyfriend asked about your current love life, more frequently than he should. It was as if he was hoping I'd take him in again. I pretended to adjust my earphones to look busy, as I was listening to songs on my phone at the time. We reached a split in the road. Usually, I would have to go straight to go home, and he would take the road on the right.
He asked, somewhat nervously, "Umm, so which way are you taking? The straight one or right one?"
I quickly made a decision. "Uh, I could take the right one."
Silence fell between us again. I noticed that as I tried to walk directly beside him, he slowed down to fall back behind me. I ignored it and kept on walking. He caught up with me again, this time walking next to me, but slightly further away. I broke the silence by asking him about the video our friend, Irfan had recently created.
There was a large lorry right in front of us, blocking the road, but there was a narrow path that we could take. He was forced to edge closer to me, to fit through the path together. After we passed it, he didn't move away. He was closer to me then. We continued to talk casually about some other things before finally having to split directions again.
It was actually nice that we could get back to normal like this. I sensed that he's.. confused, maybe? I knew from our past relationship that he's very fickle-minded, changing his mind all the time, never having a clear or sure answer about anything at all. But never mind, I'll let him try to do whatever he was doing, hoping he would learn one day. All I know is, I don't want anything more from him. Being friends is enough. I was relieved.
1) I kissed a girl and I liked it~ Lol.
Well, technically, she kissed me first. It was almost at the end of recess time. I approached Xhuang E and sat on her lap because she told me to. We talked for a bit before she had to line up with the other girls to go to class. While I waited for the teacher to give the prefects the signal to allow the other students to disperse, she suddenly lifted me up, darling-carrying style. I told her to put me down quickly. She did, but a few moments after that, she leaned in to my face with puckered lips. I thought she was simply closing in, not going for a real kiss, just like usual, so I let her be. My mind was wandering somewhere else at the time, anyway. Catching me by surprise, she actually kissed me on my lips after all!
I was stunned for a few seconds, and boy, was I glad with the fact that no teacher saw that... I didn't seem to mind the kiss, by the way, since we kissed two more times in my class. The first of the two was to prove to Xhuang E's brother, Sam, that we did kiss for real, and the next one after that was to prove to Mira, who was surprised, disgusted and scared. They were mere pecks on the lips, not french kisses, don't worry. I ended up chasing after Lia, trying to give her a kiss too, but she feared me. Hahaha..
2) I walked back home with my ex. Omg!
School just ended, and he just got out of his class, just like me. I smiled at him, acknowledging him.
He approached me and asked, "Hey. So where are you going?"
"Oh, just home. I'm going home."
Then, he told me he wanted to call his friend and turned back. I nodded but quickly walked on ahead, rushing outside the school. I walked slower once I was at the corner of the road back to my neighbourhood. And there he was, on my left, with quick steps, too. I had wanted to ask him to fix my guitar string and tune it up for me, but I only asked him how to do it myself. I didn't want him to get too comfortable with me, I guess.
After he explained to me how to do it, I replied with a simple "Oh," and it was quiet between us for a moment.
"Did you get your answer yet?" he asked me, out of the blue.
"No, not yet. He's probably busy with university right now. I don't mind."
It was awkward when your ex-boyfriend asked about your current love life, more frequently than he should. It was as if he was hoping I'd take him in again. I pretended to adjust my earphones to look busy, as I was listening to songs on my phone at the time. We reached a split in the road. Usually, I would have to go straight to go home, and he would take the road on the right.
He asked, somewhat nervously, "Umm, so which way are you taking? The straight one or right one?"
I quickly made a decision. "Uh, I could take the right one."
Silence fell between us again. I noticed that as I tried to walk directly beside him, he slowed down to fall back behind me. I ignored it and kept on walking. He caught up with me again, this time walking next to me, but slightly further away. I broke the silence by asking him about the video our friend, Irfan had recently created.
There was a large lorry right in front of us, blocking the road, but there was a narrow path that we could take. He was forced to edge closer to me, to fit through the path together. After we passed it, he didn't move away. He was closer to me then. We continued to talk casually about some other things before finally having to split directions again.
It was actually nice that we could get back to normal like this. I sensed that he's.. confused, maybe? I knew from our past relationship that he's very fickle-minded, changing his mind all the time, never having a clear or sure answer about anything at all. But never mind, I'll let him try to do whatever he was doing, hoping he would learn one day. All I know is, I don't want anything more from him. Being friends is enough. I was relieved.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
She loves him
It was a slightly cold morning. A 17-year-old girl just woke up from her dreams.
She had tan-coloured skin and her long, straight dark brown hair looked ruffled from sleeping restlessly last night. She was wearing a small black nightdress, and somehow, her comforter didn't cover her legs, so that was why she felt extra cold on that particular morning. Her legs felt numb for a bit.
When she realised she was awake, she absolutely refused to think so. She tried closing her eyes and going back to sleep again, to continue the dream she was having from where she left off just now. She hugged her pillow tightly, thinking it would help. But it didn't. Come to think of it, she tried to do the same thing in the middle of the night, a few hours ago, too. She woke up, ending her wonderful dream concerning a special someone by accident, and desperately tried to have the same dream again when she managed to lull herself back to sleep. It didn't happen.
She couldn't sleep anymore. She knew she had to get up sooner or later. She turned around to the other side of the bed to face her radio speakers. Her favourite radio station was playing one of her all-time favourite songs. She stared at the blue speakers and enjoyed the song for a while. It was 'Perfect' by Simple Plan.
Almost subconsciously, she sang along, too. She used to relate herself to that song when she was 12, by comparing herself and her mother with the persona and his father. She sang that song in her room, where she locked herself in, whenever she got into a fight with her mother, usually. Crying.
Now that she heard the song again after a long while, it made her think about her past. She spent a few more moments in silence and solitude before finally getting out of bed.
She stretched, loosening her strained muscles up. She went over to her dressing table and looked into the mirror. She picked up her hairbrush and brushed her ruffled hair back, revealing her heart-shaped face. She then walked out of her room to the sink near the bathroom. She faced a mirror again. She turned on the tap as minimally as she could, being the conservative person that she is, and splashed her face with cold water. She washed her face with soap and proceeded to brush her teeth. The lime-flavoured toothpaste left an unbelievably refreshing taste in her mouth.
Again, she went back into her room and stared at her reflection in it. She combed her hair again, as well. She smoothed her nightdress down by running her hands over it a few times. Then, she smiled a beautiful, honest smile.
She picked up Chester, her brown horse plush doll and buried her face in him. She held him in her arms tightly, as if he was alive and wanted to run away from her. She breathed in the familiar scent of the plush toy and stroked his head, continuing to brush his mane using her fingers.
With Chester still in her tight embrace, she walked to the kitchen. The maid was already up, of course, and she was doing the laundry. They simply acknowledged each other with an extremely quick glance. She ignored the maid right after that. She went over to the kitchen counter and started brewing her favourite vanilla milk tea. She simply loved the aroma and the taste even better. A tiny waft of steam swirled up from the hot drink and made her appreciate the beauty in the simplicity.
She hugged Chester in one arm and held her tea delicately with the other hand. She liked that mug. She won it in a lucky draw during last year's party of her school's prefects. It was considered a mug, but it was shaped almost like a cup. It was white in colour and had a simple design of yellow flowers, with the words 'Fashion art' written on it in curvy writings. She sipped on the tea and placed it down on the dining table.
She sat down in front of the desktop in her house and turned it on. As she waited for the computer to run properly, she continued to drink her tea, while enjoying the slight chill of the morning, the quietness in the house and the fresh light of the day.
On that morning, she opened her blog and from her account, found out that he had written about her. Or at least, written a hint about her. As expected, her heart felt like a fluttering butterfly and she felt warm inside, despite the external chill. She also let out an involuntary "Oh..." when she read what he wrote and smiled automatically. She kept stroking Chester's head and spoke to him in a low but excited voice.
"Look, Chester... He wrote this! And I think it was since my confession..."
She grinned to herself again.
She read his piece of writing over and over again, loving the way it made her feel. After the 8th time, her eyes were still trailing after the last words he wrote in his post. And then she suddenly decided to read everything. She went to his archive and read everything he wrote in his blog, from the start. She had read some of the past ones before, but now she has read all of them.
She loved the way he wrote. He was very expressive, and she knew that all the time he was writing, it was his true self writing. Not a liar. Not a phony. Not a fake. Everything he wrote was not a pretense and he expressed himself straight from the center of his beautiful soul that she learned to find herself loving.
Sometimes he wrote about the ridiculous and silly things. Sometimes he wrote about his deep feelings and emotions. Sometimes he wrote about amazing love stories. She was so interested in reading them all, she didn't stop until she was completely finished. She smiled at the sweet, meaningful words and chuckled at the irony of several phrases.
Now that she knew some more facts and truth about him, it only made her love for him grow even bigger, if that was possible. She knew that she was going to have more dreams about him. She was missing him already, but it was alright. She could wait until he was ready.
She was only glad to have let him know that she loves him.
She had tan-coloured skin and her long, straight dark brown hair looked ruffled from sleeping restlessly last night. She was wearing a small black nightdress, and somehow, her comforter didn't cover her legs, so that was why she felt extra cold on that particular morning. Her legs felt numb for a bit.
When she realised she was awake, she absolutely refused to think so. She tried closing her eyes and going back to sleep again, to continue the dream she was having from where she left off just now. She hugged her pillow tightly, thinking it would help. But it didn't. Come to think of it, she tried to do the same thing in the middle of the night, a few hours ago, too. She woke up, ending her wonderful dream concerning a special someone by accident, and desperately tried to have the same dream again when she managed to lull herself back to sleep. It didn't happen.
She couldn't sleep anymore. She knew she had to get up sooner or later. She turned around to the other side of the bed to face her radio speakers. Her favourite radio station was playing one of her all-time favourite songs. She stared at the blue speakers and enjoyed the song for a while. It was 'Perfect' by Simple Plan.
Almost subconsciously, she sang along, too. She used to relate herself to that song when she was 12, by comparing herself and her mother with the persona and his father. She sang that song in her room, where she locked herself in, whenever she got into a fight with her mother, usually. Crying.
Now that she heard the song again after a long while, it made her think about her past. She spent a few more moments in silence and solitude before finally getting out of bed.
She stretched, loosening her strained muscles up. She went over to her dressing table and looked into the mirror. She picked up her hairbrush and brushed her ruffled hair back, revealing her heart-shaped face. She then walked out of her room to the sink near the bathroom. She faced a mirror again. She turned on the tap as minimally as she could, being the conservative person that she is, and splashed her face with cold water. She washed her face with soap and proceeded to brush her teeth. The lime-flavoured toothpaste left an unbelievably refreshing taste in her mouth.
Again, she went back into her room and stared at her reflection in it. She combed her hair again, as well. She smoothed her nightdress down by running her hands over it a few times. Then, she smiled a beautiful, honest smile.
She picked up Chester, her brown horse plush doll and buried her face in him. She held him in her arms tightly, as if he was alive and wanted to run away from her. She breathed in the familiar scent of the plush toy and stroked his head, continuing to brush his mane using her fingers.
With Chester still in her tight embrace, she walked to the kitchen. The maid was already up, of course, and she was doing the laundry. They simply acknowledged each other with an extremely quick glance. She ignored the maid right after that. She went over to the kitchen counter and started brewing her favourite vanilla milk tea. She simply loved the aroma and the taste even better. A tiny waft of steam swirled up from the hot drink and made her appreciate the beauty in the simplicity.
She hugged Chester in one arm and held her tea delicately with the other hand. She liked that mug. She won it in a lucky draw during last year's party of her school's prefects. It was considered a mug, but it was shaped almost like a cup. It was white in colour and had a simple design of yellow flowers, with the words 'Fashion art' written on it in curvy writings. She sipped on the tea and placed it down on the dining table.
She sat down in front of the desktop in her house and turned it on. As she waited for the computer to run properly, she continued to drink her tea, while enjoying the slight chill of the morning, the quietness in the house and the fresh light of the day.
On that morning, she opened her blog and from her account, found out that he had written about her. Or at least, written a hint about her. As expected, her heart felt like a fluttering butterfly and she felt warm inside, despite the external chill. She also let out an involuntary "Oh..." when she read what he wrote and smiled automatically. She kept stroking Chester's head and spoke to him in a low but excited voice.
"Look, Chester... He wrote this! And I think it was since my confession..."
She grinned to herself again.
She read his piece of writing over and over again, loving the way it made her feel. After the 8th time, her eyes were still trailing after the last words he wrote in his post. And then she suddenly decided to read everything. She went to his archive and read everything he wrote in his blog, from the start. She had read some of the past ones before, but now she has read all of them.
She loved the way he wrote. He was very expressive, and she knew that all the time he was writing, it was his true self writing. Not a liar. Not a phony. Not a fake. Everything he wrote was not a pretense and he expressed himself straight from the center of his beautiful soul that she learned to find herself loving.
Sometimes he wrote about the ridiculous and silly things. Sometimes he wrote about his deep feelings and emotions. Sometimes he wrote about amazing love stories. She was so interested in reading them all, she didn't stop until she was completely finished. She smiled at the sweet, meaningful words and chuckled at the irony of several phrases.
Now that she knew some more facts and truth about him, it only made her love for him grow even bigger, if that was possible. She knew that she was going to have more dreams about him. She was missing him already, but it was alright. She could wait until he was ready.
She was only glad to have let him know that she loves him.
Letting know
"He talked about me. He wrote about me. He thought about me."
"Umm.. right?"
"I wish he did. I wish he does. Even right now."
"But then again, I could be hoping too much. Maybe I'm just too much of a dreamer. He is rather busy now, you know... I shouldn't trouble him."
"What am I talking about? It's good to be bold and brave sometimes, remember? I've got to take this chance! There's nothing wrong in expressing my feelings to him! And he did say it was okay."
"But how sure am I about what he really thinks of me, deep inside?"
"I'm not. But that's the point of trying."
"At least he knows now, and that's what matters."
"Yeah... And I've got to say, being the observant person I am, that there had been hints coming from him."
"Observant? How about a stalker?"
"...Okay, maybe I do sound like a stalker, but I can't help it."
"Being in love makes someone look crazy and obsessive, but let's not make that a point, okay?"
"Agreed."
I took a deep breath. And then I realised that I still live. That's right.
I may not be able to get him for myself anymore. He may not accept me to be his, yet. My different inner selves may be arguing with each other a lot now.
But look, it's not the end.
I still have room to try. I seriously don't know who I will lose or get, but I know that I've done my part by expressing my feelings to them. I'm relieved to know that they know. I won't regret my actions; I'm sure of it. I'm very determined. No matter what the outcome is, I'll stay strong facing the truth. No matter who replies my love... or not.
P.S. Besides, it's the journey that matters, instead of the achievement. Right, (a certain someone)? ;)
"Umm.. right?"
"I wish he did. I wish he does. Even right now."
"But then again, I could be hoping too much. Maybe I'm just too much of a dreamer. He is rather busy now, you know... I shouldn't trouble him."
"What am I talking about? It's good to be bold and brave sometimes, remember? I've got to take this chance! There's nothing wrong in expressing my feelings to him! And he did say it was okay."
"But how sure am I about what he really thinks of me, deep inside?"
"I'm not. But that's the point of trying."
"At least he knows now, and that's what matters."
"Yeah... And I've got to say, being the observant person I am, that there had been hints coming from him."
"Observant? How about a stalker?"
"...Okay, maybe I do sound like a stalker, but I can't help it."
"Being in love makes someone look crazy and obsessive, but let's not make that a point, okay?"
"Agreed."
I took a deep breath. And then I realised that I still live. That's right.
I may not be able to get him for myself anymore. He may not accept me to be his, yet. My different inner selves may be arguing with each other a lot now.
But look, it's not the end.
I still have room to try. I seriously don't know who I will lose or get, but I know that I've done my part by expressing my feelings to them. I'm relieved to know that they know. I won't regret my actions; I'm sure of it. I'm very determined. No matter what the outcome is, I'll stay strong facing the truth. No matter who replies my love... or not.
P.S. Besides, it's the journey that matters, instead of the achievement. Right, (a certain someone)? ;)
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Torn
He said he will never, ever betray my trust for him. He said he will love me forever and always. He said.. He said.. He knows what he said. He knows.. It must have implied some sort of importance on him. Right? I hope he still realises that importance. I cling onto him in hopes of that. That he will remember. And realise that he had not taken back his words. Then return to the way we before.. but in permanent. I hope.
A drop of tear falls.
I wanted things to go my way. I hoped that I would still be the one for him, so things would go his way, too.
But who was I kidding?
Oh, that's right.. Myself.
He was too good to be true. Too perfect for someone as imperfect as me. He's in a different world from mine. Away from me. Maybe I only managed to enter his world just for a little while... and then ended up getting kicked out of it, soon after.
Damn it.
I still couldn't accept the truth. I still dream of him sometimes. I still wished he would somehow come back. I know I still love him, somewhere deep inside me.
When I looked at his picture tonight, I cried... knowing that I couldn't have him.
And now... at the same time, I have fallen in love with another person.
How could I? Now I'm torn between the two.
What if I break one's heart again? Mine already is... Am I able to go on like this?
Yes. I said I would try. Everything happens for a reason. I can only do what I could do. Now I shall wait and see if he would accept me anyway. Even if I'm not perfect, even if I'm not fully healed, because this is who I am.
I will accept whoever wants me now... Whoever at all...
A drop of tear falls.
I wanted things to go my way. I hoped that I would still be the one for him, so things would go his way, too.
But who was I kidding?
Oh, that's right.. Myself.
He was too good to be true. Too perfect for someone as imperfect as me. He's in a different world from mine. Away from me. Maybe I only managed to enter his world just for a little while... and then ended up getting kicked out of it, soon after.
Damn it.
I still couldn't accept the truth. I still dream of him sometimes. I still wished he would somehow come back. I know I still love him, somewhere deep inside me.
When I looked at his picture tonight, I cried... knowing that I couldn't have him.
And now... at the same time, I have fallen in love with another person.
How could I? Now I'm torn between the two.
What if I break one's heart again? Mine already is... Am I able to go on like this?
Yes. I said I would try. Everything happens for a reason. I can only do what I could do. Now I shall wait and see if he would accept me anyway. Even if I'm not perfect, even if I'm not fully healed, because this is who I am.
I will accept whoever wants me now... Whoever at all...
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Waiting to revolve again
I keep thinking of him.
Things around me led to thoughts of him. As usual. Maybe it's just my mind. It's always according to the person in mind.
Several articles in the newspaper, certain songs that I keep hearing, some quotes from anywhere at all, a few everyday items... All these signs keep popping out in front of me by accident.
Yet.. there were also signs that showed me that we couldn't be together the way I wanted it. But of course, I didn't want to believe it. They're just stupid signs, anyway. They don't mean anything. I will believe what I want to believe. I still want to try.
I've done what I could have done.
And now...
I am waiting... to revolve again.
Things around me led to thoughts of him. As usual. Maybe it's just my mind. It's always according to the person in mind.
Several articles in the newspaper, certain songs that I keep hearing, some quotes from anywhere at all, a few everyday items... All these signs keep popping out in front of me by accident.
Yet.. there were also signs that showed me that we couldn't be together the way I wanted it. But of course, I didn't want to believe it. They're just stupid signs, anyway. They don't mean anything. I will believe what I want to believe. I still want to try.
I've done what I could have done.
And now...
I am waiting... to revolve again.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Courage, love, sacrifice
Tiger was a lean, short-haired pale golden tabby tom with dazzling lime-green eyes. He was a cool cat with a strong personality. I've had him since he was a kitten. He was a good pet, yet I knew he still had this wild side inside of him. I allowed him to become wild every once in a while, letting him live independently. I'm sure the other cats wouldn't believe he was a pampered pet cat at home. He was smart. He knew exactly how to live his life.
And then there was Smoke. He was a ragged dark grey-brown tom with shaggy long fur with piercing yellow eyes. He seemed to have his own clan of stray cats and was considered the leader. Those cats probably lived in the empty abandoned house right in front of mine, as they were usually seen coming in and out of that place, hidden between tall, unkempt grass.
Tiger grew up to be a healthy adult tomcat. He soon found a mate; a stunningly beautiful white she-cat with sparkling blue eyes. He sired her 3 kittens. I never got to know her truly, but I can tell that she was a gentle mother and a perfect mate for my handsome Tiger. I once saw the whole family going out together. It was very sweet...
This is the story of my cat, Tiger. A story of courage, love and sacrifice.
One day, I returned from school and went straight to the dining room. Under it, 2 cats were fighting. It was Smoke and Tiger's mate. My maid was nearby with a broom in her hands, trying to shun the shrieking cats out of the house. I just witnessed a murder. Smoke escaped soon after, leaving behind a messy white and red body, under our dining table.
Still in shock, I just stared at her. My maid took her out to bury her. Shortly after that, Tiger returned home, coming through the front door, back from his usual afternoon day out. He stopped in his tracks when he sniffed the air in the house. Immediately, he turned back and ran straight into the old house in front of ours. The lair of the wild cats.
"No! Tiger! Come back!"
I called after him repeatedly. He sped right through the tall grass and was out of sight. I was worried. I grew more and more anxious when he didn't come back home that night. And the day after. And another day passed by without him around the house.
Until that dusk, I was about to retreat into the house before it gets too dark, when I heard a weak, throaty meow from behind me.
I spun around and saw Tiger, covered in numerous serious wounds all over his face and body. Some sort of white-yellowish liquid and blood dripped all over him, too.
"Tiger!" I exclaimed in surprise, tears welling up in my eyes.
I approached him quickly and gently touched the side of his jaws. He fell down weakly and meowed slowly again, looking up at me with a relieved look in his lime-green eyes. I called my mother and maid in obvious panic.
They came and told me that coconut juice would help lessen his pain or something. I didn't remember. I was too sad, too devastated to see my favourite cat in such a pathetic state. I let them wipe away all the blood on him and apply whatever remedy they had with them, while I watched helplessly. I was young. I couldn't do anything. I could only cry. Tears flowed out of my eyes non-stop. I sobbed while I muttered his name over and over again.
Once my mother and maid were done with treating Tiger, when they thought they couldn't have done anything more, we placed him in his old cage. We didn't want him to wander off unexpectedly in that condition. Everyone went back inside the house. I lingered behind for a bit, to stare at him, wrapped in bandages, one of his eyes closed, caused by a nasty scratch. He only lied down quietly and watched me with his one good eye. I whispered his name for one last time that night, and finally went inside, to bed.
The next morning, I woke up and found out that he had already died. Again, I cried. Even more. I couldn't bear losing him at the time. I just kept on crying. Oh, the agony...
Tiger... I miss you...
But I was proud of you. No, I am proud of you. I always will be. You were so patient and strong. You didn't struggle or scream in pain when you were being treated. I know.. it must've hurt. You were very noble and brave. You avenged your mate's death by taking on the whole clan of stray cats. I believe you have defeated them for good, because I never saw Smoke or any of his subordinates again since that day.
You told a knightly story, Tiger.
My courageous cat who sacrificed himself for the sake of love.
And then there was Smoke. He was a ragged dark grey-brown tom with shaggy long fur with piercing yellow eyes. He seemed to have his own clan of stray cats and was considered the leader. Those cats probably lived in the empty abandoned house right in front of mine, as they were usually seen coming in and out of that place, hidden between tall, unkempt grass.
Tiger grew up to be a healthy adult tomcat. He soon found a mate; a stunningly beautiful white she-cat with sparkling blue eyes. He sired her 3 kittens. I never got to know her truly, but I can tell that she was a gentle mother and a perfect mate for my handsome Tiger. I once saw the whole family going out together. It was very sweet...
This is the story of my cat, Tiger. A story of courage, love and sacrifice.
One day, I returned from school and went straight to the dining room. Under it, 2 cats were fighting. It was Smoke and Tiger's mate. My maid was nearby with a broom in her hands, trying to shun the shrieking cats out of the house. I just witnessed a murder. Smoke escaped soon after, leaving behind a messy white and red body, under our dining table.
Still in shock, I just stared at her. My maid took her out to bury her. Shortly after that, Tiger returned home, coming through the front door, back from his usual afternoon day out. He stopped in his tracks when he sniffed the air in the house. Immediately, he turned back and ran straight into the old house in front of ours. The lair of the wild cats.
"No! Tiger! Come back!"
I called after him repeatedly. He sped right through the tall grass and was out of sight. I was worried. I grew more and more anxious when he didn't come back home that night. And the day after. And another day passed by without him around the house.
Until that dusk, I was about to retreat into the house before it gets too dark, when I heard a weak, throaty meow from behind me.
I spun around and saw Tiger, covered in numerous serious wounds all over his face and body. Some sort of white-yellowish liquid and blood dripped all over him, too.
"Tiger!" I exclaimed in surprise, tears welling up in my eyes.
I approached him quickly and gently touched the side of his jaws. He fell down weakly and meowed slowly again, looking up at me with a relieved look in his lime-green eyes. I called my mother and maid in obvious panic.
They came and told me that coconut juice would help lessen his pain or something. I didn't remember. I was too sad, too devastated to see my favourite cat in such a pathetic state. I let them wipe away all the blood on him and apply whatever remedy they had with them, while I watched helplessly. I was young. I couldn't do anything. I could only cry. Tears flowed out of my eyes non-stop. I sobbed while I muttered his name over and over again.
Once my mother and maid were done with treating Tiger, when they thought they couldn't have done anything more, we placed him in his old cage. We didn't want him to wander off unexpectedly in that condition. Everyone went back inside the house. I lingered behind for a bit, to stare at him, wrapped in bandages, one of his eyes closed, caused by a nasty scratch. He only lied down quietly and watched me with his one good eye. I whispered his name for one last time that night, and finally went inside, to bed.
The next morning, I woke up and found out that he had already died. Again, I cried. Even more. I couldn't bear losing him at the time. I just kept on crying. Oh, the agony...
Tiger... I miss you...
But I was proud of you. No, I am proud of you. I always will be. You were so patient and strong. You didn't struggle or scream in pain when you were being treated. I know.. it must've hurt. You were very noble and brave. You avenged your mate's death by taking on the whole clan of stray cats. I believe you have defeated them for good, because I never saw Smoke or any of his subordinates again since that day.
You told a knightly story, Tiger.
My courageous cat who sacrificed himself for the sake of love.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Afraid of loss
I love him. But I like you.
Is it possible that I may love you, as well?
Like can grow to love. I think. Yeah, that's right. It can. Anything is possible. Wait.. maybe it has already grown to love? I didn't notice it, perhaps? Oh dear.
But I think you love someone else. I don't want to get in your way. Though I secretly still want you. I'm not sure how much, though.
And, about him... If he likes me, there's a chance he'll love me, too, right? I want him.
Or you. I want you, as well. You can be precious to me, I believe.
This is confusing. Frustrating? Maybe. But I don't want to admit that I'm frustrated over you two. I just... want an answer. But to get that, I need to make sure you know. Do you know? I'm not sure yet. Maybe you know, but you didn't think it was this serious. It is, actually. I still need to tell you, though.
Ohh... Should I? I'm scared. I may be taking things too fast again. I should be more patient...
But what if I turn too patient, and wait too long, and then, by the time I am ready to tell you, you have already tied a knot with someone else? And what if I try I turn to him for comfort, I find out that he has moved on with someone else too? What if I don't find love again? Am I able to strive in solitude?
No, I don't want to... That's why I'm holding on to him. And maybe that's why I still want you. Because I'm afraid to lose. Maybe I have never actually admitted this, thanks to my egoistical personality, but I am afraid of losing. Yes, I am.
I still want both of you, you know...
Damn myself... for falling in love.. again.
Is it possible that I may love you, as well?
Like can grow to love. I think. Yeah, that's right. It can. Anything is possible. Wait.. maybe it has already grown to love? I didn't notice it, perhaps? Oh dear.
But I think you love someone else. I don't want to get in your way. Though I secretly still want you. I'm not sure how much, though.
And, about him... If he likes me, there's a chance he'll love me, too, right? I want him.
Or you. I want you, as well. You can be precious to me, I believe.
This is confusing. Frustrating? Maybe. But I don't want to admit that I'm frustrated over you two. I just... want an answer. But to get that, I need to make sure you know. Do you know? I'm not sure yet. Maybe you know, but you didn't think it was this serious. It is, actually. I still need to tell you, though.
Ohh... Should I? I'm scared. I may be taking things too fast again. I should be more patient...
But what if I turn too patient, and wait too long, and then, by the time I am ready to tell you, you have already tied a knot with someone else? And what if I try I turn to him for comfort, I find out that he has moved on with someone else too? What if I don't find love again? Am I able to strive in solitude?
No, I don't want to... That's why I'm holding on to him. And maybe that's why I still want you. Because I'm afraid to lose. Maybe I have never actually admitted this, thanks to my egoistical personality, but I am afraid of losing. Yes, I am.
I still want both of you, you know...
Damn myself... for falling in love.. again.
Nina Gay
Yesterday, he kept looking my way. He stared and stared at me.
All my friends noticed it, too.
Joel and I were talking, and I knew from his aura, that he was slightly nervous about something. I knew a certain someone was watching from afar. Joel suddenly said, "Athira, he keeps staring at us. Do you know that?" I immediately turned to look his way, and found out that he was looking at that exact moment, so our eyes must have met. I retreated behind a door. Darn it, Joel. I thought you meant that he 'was looking at us', not 'is looking at us'! Anyway, I also found out from Joel that everytime we talk and then I leave, he would come and start poking poor little Joel in the belly, at the same time repeating "Hi" over and over again and/or asking about me and/or talking about random stuff, like songs. That freaked Joel out... a lot.
In class, I sat in between my 2 best girl friends; Mira on my left and Natsuki on my right. Our Chemistry teacher wasn't in, so Natsuki and I were discussing about her new story idea. Mira was doing her work. He came into our class and I pretended not to notice. Mira suddenly pushed a piece of paper to me, and it wrote 'Ning2 is behind you. Don't look.'. Natsuki leaned towards me to read it, too. I looked at Mira and said, "I know. Just let him be," while I shook my head slightly.
Lia, who sits right in front of me, saw that the 3 of us had our heads down together, and whispering. She groaned, "Hey~ What're you guys talking about? Are you talking about me?" Mira, Natsuki and I laughed. Right then, Natsuki whispered in my ear, "Lia has.. a big ass..."
We laughed out loud, stressing Lia out. Then, Mira, still laughing, showed the piece of note from before to Lia. She had trouble reading it upside down and this was what she read it as, "Ni.. na.. Gay? What's this? What the hell? Who's Nina and is the person gay?!"
Again, the 3 of us laughed as hard as we could. We held back our laughs and quietly said, "Not Nina gay, you idiot! Ning-ning!" She still didn't understand it, so she replied, out loud, "Huh? Ning-ning? Who's that?" We were shocked and quickly told her to hush down! He was still right behind us! We don't know if he heard... but I'm sure he heard and saw how crazy we were, laughing out loud. Hahaha...
Recess was almost over, and I was already on my way back to class. I saw him coming, so I swerved a little bit to the left. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that he wanted to go to his left, but then he stopped for second and took a right turn, just so that we would cross paths, which we did. We only smiled at each other and said a quick "Hey" as we walked by. I walked on ahead with an amazed look. He did that on purpose.
Back at the class, I was sitting around in front, with Sam. It was time for all the students to return to class from recess. I noticed his classmates passing by our class, so I'm sure he must be somewhere behind. And there he was. He stared at me again, and our eyes met. But this time, he didn't avert his gaze immediately, just like usual. This time, he kept his gaze on me, letting me know exactly that he was staring, until he was out of my view. That was weird. I went to my seat and fell back with a sigh.
What the hell is he trying to do? Is he making sure that I know he wants me back, yet he's still attempting to cover it up? His ego is too high. I know he won't truly admit it unless I ask him. But no, I want to see how long he can keep this up. I want to see how far he would go, if he really is... as we say, 'honest'.
P.S. To all my friends who know exactly who I'm talking about, don't worry. I'm not falling in love with him anymore. I'm just very, very amazed with the show he's putting up. Besides, you know who I'm in love with.
All my friends noticed it, too.
Joel and I were talking, and I knew from his aura, that he was slightly nervous about something. I knew a certain someone was watching from afar. Joel suddenly said, "Athira, he keeps staring at us. Do you know that?" I immediately turned to look his way, and found out that he was looking at that exact moment, so our eyes must have met. I retreated behind a door. Darn it, Joel. I thought you meant that he 'was looking at us', not 'is looking at us'! Anyway, I also found out from Joel that everytime we talk and then I leave, he would come and start poking poor little Joel in the belly, at the same time repeating "Hi" over and over again and/or asking about me and/or talking about random stuff, like songs. That freaked Joel out... a lot.
In class, I sat in between my 2 best girl friends; Mira on my left and Natsuki on my right. Our Chemistry teacher wasn't in, so Natsuki and I were discussing about her new story idea. Mira was doing her work. He came into our class and I pretended not to notice. Mira suddenly pushed a piece of paper to me, and it wrote 'Ning2 is behind you. Don't look.'. Natsuki leaned towards me to read it, too. I looked at Mira and said, "I know. Just let him be," while I shook my head slightly.
Lia, who sits right in front of me, saw that the 3 of us had our heads down together, and whispering. She groaned, "Hey~ What're you guys talking about? Are you talking about me?" Mira, Natsuki and I laughed. Right then, Natsuki whispered in my ear, "Lia has.. a big ass..."
We laughed out loud, stressing Lia out. Then, Mira, still laughing, showed the piece of note from before to Lia. She had trouble reading it upside down and this was what she read it as, "Ni.. na.. Gay? What's this? What the hell? Who's Nina and is the person gay?!"
Again, the 3 of us laughed as hard as we could. We held back our laughs and quietly said, "Not Nina gay, you idiot! Ning-ning!" She still didn't understand it, so she replied, out loud, "Huh? Ning-ning? Who's that?" We were shocked and quickly told her to hush down! He was still right behind us! We don't know if he heard... but I'm sure he heard and saw how crazy we were, laughing out loud. Hahaha...
Recess was almost over, and I was already on my way back to class. I saw him coming, so I swerved a little bit to the left. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that he wanted to go to his left, but then he stopped for second and took a right turn, just so that we would cross paths, which we did. We only smiled at each other and said a quick "Hey" as we walked by. I walked on ahead with an amazed look. He did that on purpose.
Back at the class, I was sitting around in front, with Sam. It was time for all the students to return to class from recess. I noticed his classmates passing by our class, so I'm sure he must be somewhere behind. And there he was. He stared at me again, and our eyes met. But this time, he didn't avert his gaze immediately, just like usual. This time, he kept his gaze on me, letting me know exactly that he was staring, until he was out of my view. That was weird. I went to my seat and fell back with a sigh.
What the hell is he trying to do? Is he making sure that I know he wants me back, yet he's still attempting to cover it up? His ego is too high. I know he won't truly admit it unless I ask him. But no, I want to see how long he can keep this up. I want to see how far he would go, if he really is... as we say, 'honest'.
P.S. To all my friends who know exactly who I'm talking about, don't worry. I'm not falling in love with him anymore. I'm just very, very amazed with the show he's putting up. Besides, you know who I'm in love with.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Falling apart
The pain that I've been feeling in my upper abdomen has become more and more frequent. Headaches attack me like crazy. Sometimes, the veins on my neck, left foot and wrist feel knotted, followed by a numb feeling in those areas. I begin to cough now. Also, my body temperature is not becoming constant; I can feel too cold or too warm at random times.
I keep clutching the areas where I felt pain, all in a sudden. My friends looked worried. But I repeated to them over and over again that I was fine. I need to keep my strong image intact. I am not weak. I don't have a weak body, nor mind. I need to show them that I'm still strong, so I smile. I laugh. I secretly cry at times, and that's just rare.
But I think... the truth is, I'm falling apart.
Inside and out?
I keep clutching the areas where I felt pain, all in a sudden. My friends looked worried. But I repeated to them over and over again that I was fine. I need to keep my strong image intact. I am not weak. I don't have a weak body, nor mind. I need to show them that I'm still strong, so I smile. I laugh. I secretly cry at times, and that's just rare.
But I think... the truth is, I'm falling apart.
Inside and out?
Monday, July 13, 2009
Specialty
I had always been able to know what people around me are feeling most of the time.
I thought that was just normal. I thought, "Eh, anyone could do that." I thought linking smells or feelings or even a whole person himself/herself to colours are just common. I continued to live like that, believing everything I ever did or whatever happened to me was ordinary. I told myself I was plain, so I didn't stand out.
As I grow older and more matured, I, of course, learned many new things. I also discovered pieces of myself and put them together, creating the person I am now. I'm not sure when I will be complete; if I'm allowed to ever be, anyway. I found out that I was special.
I made friends. Good, loyal ones. I made enemies. Nasty, back-stabbing ones. But that's just my life.
This year, I found out that, all this time, I have an aura-sensing ability. Well... Maybe that's not quite accurate... It's more of an ability to see my perception of others. I sense people and their feelings and describe them in colours. That's how I knew what most people feel.
When I was 12, young, naive and alone, I used to call it my 'instincts'. Now I know that it's an actual, special, almost psychic-like ability. I feel like a wild beast from the forest who has learned that she's actually more intellectual than she thought she was. It truly is an amazing discovery.
When I first admitted this to a friend (I've never told anyone before), she somehow managed to prompt me into using this ability. Control it. Another excited friend was so amazed by this ability that I felt encouraged to use it and show it off to people. She looked it up on the Internet and showed to me that such a power exists. It's rarity is 5.4% in 1 out of 2000 people on the planet. It's also hereditary.
So, I do have a special prowess and I'm not the only one.
Now, I can actually use this prowess for my own purposes. I've got to admit, lately, I have been using it, but I still consider myself rarely using it. I usually use it only when my friends tell me to. And even so, I felt.. wrong. Slightly.
I also keep forgetting my own strength and specialty. I still believed that I could always be wrong. I still thought that maybe, there's always someone else who can feel my aura, too. So I was always careful. I still get surprised when I get accurate readings, even though I'm supposed to treat it as a normal thing now that it has happened one too many times. As I said, I keep forgetting my own strength. I keep forgetting the fact that I am special.
Do I need confidence to use this ability? No... I can't. I don't want to be too proud and arrogant for this. The fact of the matter is, I never forgot my roots, which is rather noble of me, I must say. I still remember my 'wild beast' self; when I used to just go with the flow; when I simply felt and knew, nothing less, nothing more. I have never concentrated and focused on a person to see his/her aura like how my friends keep telling me to do now. I used to just feel somewhat subconsciously. I just knew. I didn't have to work my senses out.
Maybe... I kind of missed my carefree, unknowing beastly sense. It was crude and non-evolved, but it was easy.
But then again, there's this new side of me, the 'intellectual and knowing' one, that says I should appreciate this new knowledge of my ability and make full use of it. Yet, I don't want to overdo it and forget my roots, turning completely into a whole new species of beast. No. I want to remember my old self.
I know I'm getting better at it now, and that my sense is getting stronger, evolving more and more by the moment. A proof of this, besides the fact that I keep getting accurate readings, is that sometimes, when there is an emotion too strong and too powerful, I get dizzy. I didn't even have to do anything. I just felt the overpowering emotion and suddenly feel as if my head was spinning. It's amazing. Really, it is.
Returning to my previous thoughts, I feel lost. Torn. But I know I wanted my old style of sensing. My instincts. But should I really abandon this newfound knowledge and pretend I never knew? Should I keep a low-profile, just like before? This is a great opportunity to expand my ability, I know.
I growled in frustration. Wait... I remember now... I get it. I had this one specific dream a few nights ago, and the concept of my thoughts are clearly displayed.
Dreams are also my specialty. I attempt to interpret all my dreams because they always reflect all my inner thoughts. I depend on them to make certain decisions. I also dream of places that I will go to later in my life. So, sometimes, when I go somewhere, I will realise that I've seen the place before, in my dreams. That is why, I try to remember all my dreams when I wake up. I keep the really important ones and those that I thought are or could be meaningful, stored in my mind. Like this one.
In the dream, I was in the form of a lioness-like creature with red tufts of longer fur around my neck (like the mane on a liger), and on my elbows. My shoulder protruded some red, sharp feathers, making it look as if they were small wings. My tail end had those type of feathers too.
The dream started with me and my male partner (same appearance, only more muscular and very masculine-looking, obviously) running joyfully through trees in a forest. Soon, we reached outside the forest. I knew we had gone out too far, so I was about to turn back, but my mate saw something that caught his interest. There were low, grassy hills by a river and some humans were having a picnic on one hill. My mate was curious and wanted to approach them. I told him, in our animalistic language, that it was a bad idea. He wanted to go anyway and persuaded me to come along. I agreed but I was wary. Besides, he said it will only take a while and then we'll return to the forest.
So, we approached the humans, with my partner leading, and surprisingly, the humans seemed to accept our presence. My partner enjoyed it when they stroked him and spoke to him in their own weird language. I, on the other paw, simply sat there, looking at them. I soon reminded my mate to go back home, as promised. I really didn't like seeing him getting too close to them. I had a bad feeling.
He tried to delay and wanted to stay longer but I growled at him. We returned to our clan and reached our cave by night. The next day, he went out to see the humans again. I had a feeling he had been thinking about them all night while I was asleep. He was so excited about them and kept inviting me to come along. I had to follow him; I need to keep an eye on him in case anything bad happens.
He kept visiting the humans whenever he gets the chance. He started to communicate with them. I was scared. More and more, he was starting to become one of them. Speaking their language, sitting the way they do. I think his appearance was changing, too. He was transforming. He had forgotten his origins. He had abandoned the ways of our clan and gave in to the humans' way of life. I gave up.
I returned to the wilderness alone... without him. I had lost my mate... a long time ago, it seems. Since he started speaking to them. I padded to the river's edge and looked back at the hill, where my former partner was laughing with the humans, drinking tea in a cup. I was devastated. I swam through the river and returned to my clan. I told my clanmates what happened and they helped me get over it. So I kept on living my wild life, though in loneliness. Sometimes, even as I hunt, I still think about him, his old self... I missed him. I saw a silhoutte of him beside me, hunting with me, like he used to.
One day, I decided to find a cure for him. I wanted to find a way to get him back. It was only until this part of the dream did I know that I had another form. I transformed into a red and black swan-like creature and flew to the city of the humans. I entered a large library. The walls were dark grey bricks and the windows were stained glass. The sleek, mahogany racks were so high, they reached the ceilings and all kinds of books were stored in it.
I remember transforming back and forth from my swan form to my lioness form to glide or jump to different racks. I knocked some books out of their places, but I didn't care. I didn't know what I was doing, looking through books that I didn't even understand. But I needed a sign.
Unexpectedly, a dashing-looking human with red hair, dressed in neat clothes came in. He looked up and saw me. He immediately picked up some books and threw them at me, shouting at the same time. I turned into my swan form and hastily avoided the hard-covered books. I squawked in protest... until I suddenly realised that the angry man down there on the ground, was my former mate.
I was surprised. I didn't even recognise him. His looks, his scent, his mind... They have changed. He was different. Too different.
"Oh, my mate... Whatever has happened to you?" I spoke in my own language.
But he didn't understand me anymore. I didn't even think he remembered and recognised me then. The truth struck me like thunder. He kept on shouting at me in a ferocious tone and throwing things at me. I was so hurt... I realised that I couldn't communicate with him anymore. I needed to leave. I saw a single high, round, paned window. I flew at high speed and crashed through the glass unharmed. I turned my long neck to look behind, flapping my large red wings.
My former mate got on some sort of vehicle and was giving chase to me.
"Why is he doing this?" I thought to myself in panic.
I picked up speed, flying as fast as I could, but he managed to tail me anyway. I reached the river. I swooped down and folded my wings. I swam quickly through the water. I peeked behind and saw that his vehicle could run on water, too. In my swan form, I can swim as fast as a speed boat. But he had a speed boat, so he was able to follow, as well. I was so fearful. I really didn't know what I was doing.
I saw home. The rest of the tribe were relaxing; I saw from afar. They perked up when they saw me in fear. It was also because they noticed that a human was chasing me. They got scared too. No human has ever reached our home.
"What have I done? I led him to our clan... This is the end..."
I flapped my wings and stumbled of the water. I hit the ground on my face. He got out of his vehicle and took out a long, sharp weapon. Like a harpoon. He approached me and my clanmates slowly, with an evil smirk on his new face. We all froze in our positions. There was no chance of escape.
"I'm sorry, everyone... My mate and I have let you down..."
I don't know what happened next. The dream ended there. But I do know that.. when I woke up with a start... I was crying... I had tears falling out of my eyes... The dream.. was so deep.. So sad... I wiped away my tears, sniffed and lied my head back on the pillow. I closed my eyes and thought about this.
I thought that was just normal. I thought, "Eh, anyone could do that." I thought linking smells or feelings or even a whole person himself/herself to colours are just common. I continued to live like that, believing everything I ever did or whatever happened to me was ordinary. I told myself I was plain, so I didn't stand out.
As I grow older and more matured, I, of course, learned many new things. I also discovered pieces of myself and put them together, creating the person I am now. I'm not sure when I will be complete; if I'm allowed to ever be, anyway. I found out that I was special.
I made friends. Good, loyal ones. I made enemies. Nasty, back-stabbing ones. But that's just my life.
This year, I found out that, all this time, I have an aura-sensing ability. Well... Maybe that's not quite accurate... It's more of an ability to see my perception of others. I sense people and their feelings and describe them in colours. That's how I knew what most people feel.
When I was 12, young, naive and alone, I used to call it my 'instincts'. Now I know that it's an actual, special, almost psychic-like ability. I feel like a wild beast from the forest who has learned that she's actually more intellectual than she thought she was. It truly is an amazing discovery.
When I first admitted this to a friend (I've never told anyone before), she somehow managed to prompt me into using this ability. Control it. Another excited friend was so amazed by this ability that I felt encouraged to use it and show it off to people. She looked it up on the Internet and showed to me that such a power exists. It's rarity is 5.4% in 1 out of 2000 people on the planet. It's also hereditary.
So, I do have a special prowess and I'm not the only one.
Now, I can actually use this prowess for my own purposes. I've got to admit, lately, I have been using it, but I still consider myself rarely using it. I usually use it only when my friends tell me to. And even so, I felt.. wrong. Slightly.
I also keep forgetting my own strength and specialty. I still believed that I could always be wrong. I still thought that maybe, there's always someone else who can feel my aura, too. So I was always careful. I still get surprised when I get accurate readings, even though I'm supposed to treat it as a normal thing now that it has happened one too many times. As I said, I keep forgetting my own strength. I keep forgetting the fact that I am special.
Do I need confidence to use this ability? No... I can't. I don't want to be too proud and arrogant for this. The fact of the matter is, I never forgot my roots, which is rather noble of me, I must say. I still remember my 'wild beast' self; when I used to just go with the flow; when I simply felt and knew, nothing less, nothing more. I have never concentrated and focused on a person to see his/her aura like how my friends keep telling me to do now. I used to just feel somewhat subconsciously. I just knew. I didn't have to work my senses out.
Maybe... I kind of missed my carefree, unknowing beastly sense. It was crude and non-evolved, but it was easy.
But then again, there's this new side of me, the 'intellectual and knowing' one, that says I should appreciate this new knowledge of my ability and make full use of it. Yet, I don't want to overdo it and forget my roots, turning completely into a whole new species of beast. No. I want to remember my old self.
I know I'm getting better at it now, and that my sense is getting stronger, evolving more and more by the moment. A proof of this, besides the fact that I keep getting accurate readings, is that sometimes, when there is an emotion too strong and too powerful, I get dizzy. I didn't even have to do anything. I just felt the overpowering emotion and suddenly feel as if my head was spinning. It's amazing. Really, it is.
Returning to my previous thoughts, I feel lost. Torn. But I know I wanted my old style of sensing. My instincts. But should I really abandon this newfound knowledge and pretend I never knew? Should I keep a low-profile, just like before? This is a great opportunity to expand my ability, I know.
I growled in frustration. Wait... I remember now... I get it. I had this one specific dream a few nights ago, and the concept of my thoughts are clearly displayed.
Dreams are also my specialty. I attempt to interpret all my dreams because they always reflect all my inner thoughts. I depend on them to make certain decisions. I also dream of places that I will go to later in my life. So, sometimes, when I go somewhere, I will realise that I've seen the place before, in my dreams. That is why, I try to remember all my dreams when I wake up. I keep the really important ones and those that I thought are or could be meaningful, stored in my mind. Like this one.
In the dream, I was in the form of a lioness-like creature with red tufts of longer fur around my neck (like the mane on a liger), and on my elbows. My shoulder protruded some red, sharp feathers, making it look as if they were small wings. My tail end had those type of feathers too.
The dream started with me and my male partner (same appearance, only more muscular and very masculine-looking, obviously) running joyfully through trees in a forest. Soon, we reached outside the forest. I knew we had gone out too far, so I was about to turn back, but my mate saw something that caught his interest. There were low, grassy hills by a river and some humans were having a picnic on one hill. My mate was curious and wanted to approach them. I told him, in our animalistic language, that it was a bad idea. He wanted to go anyway and persuaded me to come along. I agreed but I was wary. Besides, he said it will only take a while and then we'll return to the forest.
So, we approached the humans, with my partner leading, and surprisingly, the humans seemed to accept our presence. My partner enjoyed it when they stroked him and spoke to him in their own weird language. I, on the other paw, simply sat there, looking at them. I soon reminded my mate to go back home, as promised. I really didn't like seeing him getting too close to them. I had a bad feeling.
He tried to delay and wanted to stay longer but I growled at him. We returned to our clan and reached our cave by night. The next day, he went out to see the humans again. I had a feeling he had been thinking about them all night while I was asleep. He was so excited about them and kept inviting me to come along. I had to follow him; I need to keep an eye on him in case anything bad happens.
He kept visiting the humans whenever he gets the chance. He started to communicate with them. I was scared. More and more, he was starting to become one of them. Speaking their language, sitting the way they do. I think his appearance was changing, too. He was transforming. He had forgotten his origins. He had abandoned the ways of our clan and gave in to the humans' way of life. I gave up.
I returned to the wilderness alone... without him. I had lost my mate... a long time ago, it seems. Since he started speaking to them. I padded to the river's edge and looked back at the hill, where my former partner was laughing with the humans, drinking tea in a cup. I was devastated. I swam through the river and returned to my clan. I told my clanmates what happened and they helped me get over it. So I kept on living my wild life, though in loneliness. Sometimes, even as I hunt, I still think about him, his old self... I missed him. I saw a silhoutte of him beside me, hunting with me, like he used to.
One day, I decided to find a cure for him. I wanted to find a way to get him back. It was only until this part of the dream did I know that I had another form. I transformed into a red and black swan-like creature and flew to the city of the humans. I entered a large library. The walls were dark grey bricks and the windows were stained glass. The sleek, mahogany racks were so high, they reached the ceilings and all kinds of books were stored in it.
I remember transforming back and forth from my swan form to my lioness form to glide or jump to different racks. I knocked some books out of their places, but I didn't care. I didn't know what I was doing, looking through books that I didn't even understand. But I needed a sign.
Unexpectedly, a dashing-looking human with red hair, dressed in neat clothes came in. He looked up and saw me. He immediately picked up some books and threw them at me, shouting at the same time. I turned into my swan form and hastily avoided the hard-covered books. I squawked in protest... until I suddenly realised that the angry man down there on the ground, was my former mate.
I was surprised. I didn't even recognise him. His looks, his scent, his mind... They have changed. He was different. Too different.
"Oh, my mate... Whatever has happened to you?" I spoke in my own language.
But he didn't understand me anymore. I didn't even think he remembered and recognised me then. The truth struck me like thunder. He kept on shouting at me in a ferocious tone and throwing things at me. I was so hurt... I realised that I couldn't communicate with him anymore. I needed to leave. I saw a single high, round, paned window. I flew at high speed and crashed through the glass unharmed. I turned my long neck to look behind, flapping my large red wings.
My former mate got on some sort of vehicle and was giving chase to me.
"Why is he doing this?" I thought to myself in panic.
I picked up speed, flying as fast as I could, but he managed to tail me anyway. I reached the river. I swooped down and folded my wings. I swam quickly through the water. I peeked behind and saw that his vehicle could run on water, too. In my swan form, I can swim as fast as a speed boat. But he had a speed boat, so he was able to follow, as well. I was so fearful. I really didn't know what I was doing.
I saw home. The rest of the tribe were relaxing; I saw from afar. They perked up when they saw me in fear. It was also because they noticed that a human was chasing me. They got scared too. No human has ever reached our home.
"What have I done? I led him to our clan... This is the end..."
I flapped my wings and stumbled of the water. I hit the ground on my face. He got out of his vehicle and took out a long, sharp weapon. Like a harpoon. He approached me and my clanmates slowly, with an evil smirk on his new face. We all froze in our positions. There was no chance of escape.
"I'm sorry, everyone... My mate and I have let you down..."
I don't know what happened next. The dream ended there. But I do know that.. when I woke up with a start... I was crying... I had tears falling out of my eyes... The dream.. was so deep.. So sad... I wiped away my tears, sniffed and lied my head back on the pillow. I closed my eyes and thought about this.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Poison
I'm being surrounded by emotions. Strong ones, at that, too. It gets to me sometimes and I allowed myself to succumb in those emotions because sometimes, it feels good to feel loose and let some things out.. or in.
I spring right back up soon, though. I tightened back all the openings I've let open before, and return to being my strong, hardy self. I smile, I laugh, I have fun.
Like my friend said, while I was being my happy self, "It's like you're over him but you're not."
That's right. See? I'm not letting that fact bring me down too much. I have strength. Maybe even more than I ever knew. I told you I can live with it. It's not like a poison at all, as everyone might think it would be. I drank up all the poison before it manages to reach everyone else; my friends. I want to save you all.
Ah, that's right... He wants make me his good friend.
Everyone knows how that makes me feel. But oh well, I'll handle it. At least I'm moving. I want to make this friendship work too, you know.
I spring right back up soon, though. I tightened back all the openings I've let open before, and return to being my strong, hardy self. I smile, I laugh, I have fun.
Like my friend said, while I was being my happy self, "It's like you're over him but you're not."
That's right. See? I'm not letting that fact bring me down too much. I have strength. Maybe even more than I ever knew. I told you I can live with it. It's not like a poison at all, as everyone might think it would be. I drank up all the poison before it manages to reach everyone else; my friends. I want to save you all.
Ah, that's right... He wants make me his good friend.
Everyone knows how that makes me feel. But oh well, I'll handle it. At least I'm moving. I want to make this friendship work too, you know.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
I do have strength!
Today was supposed to be a bad day.
But I acted as though it was a good day. Why did I do that? I don't know. I was living through. Breaking through all hardship now. Right. I remember. Didn't think I would turn out this way. I'm in.. denial? Oh wow.
I really didn't care about what happened to me today. Bad luck followed me everywhere, I swear. I should've looked so pathetic and emotional and all but... I didn't. I was smiling. I didn't feel so bad at all.
I chuckled. I guess I didn't know my own strength, huh?
Heh. I can do this. I can live on.
But I acted as though it was a good day. Why did I do that? I don't know. I was living through. Breaking through all hardship now. Right. I remember. Didn't think I would turn out this way. I'm in.. denial? Oh wow.
I really didn't care about what happened to me today. Bad luck followed me everywhere, I swear. I should've looked so pathetic and emotional and all but... I didn't. I was smiling. I didn't feel so bad at all.
I chuckled. I guess I didn't know my own strength, huh?
Heh. I can do this. I can live on.
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
0 + 1 + 2 = 3
I admit. I have a lot of guy friends. And I like them all! But not necessarily in a romantic way. I could really like a guy a whole lot, and still not love him.
Because I don't choose to love anyone. It just happens.
And I've fallen in love.. twice.
The first one didn't go so smoothly. It was always hard to read his aura, as it keeps changing and shifting. I was never sure how much he ever 'liked' me at all. I remember chasing after him blindly, stupidly. But he never really showed signs of reply in public, ever. It was a cute, stupid thing. I laughed at myself. Somehow, one day, as I was walking with a friend, it just snapped off. The feelings... just disappeared. Just like that. I felt it, right at that moment. Gone. I was so happy! I hugged my friend. I was free from the useless feelings! The love spell broke!
I was doing just fine after that time. I felt relieved. I kept on living and laughing with my friends in front of him, showing that I can live without him anyway.
And then...
During the holidays, where I was carefree and joyful, I started to get to know him. We got along so well, I was surprised myself. He was wonderful. Still rather new to the whole thing, I was surpised -again- to see that we faced a bump in our relationship for a moment. I was devastated. But he returned, with promises, giving me high hopes, putting me at peace. Until it happened again. But this time... I don't know where it will take me. I'll wait to see. I want to see.
Yet...
I feel attracted to one of his friends. He was nice to me. He had a sensitive, gentle soul. And then there's him. I saw his red aura immediately and felt attracted somehow.
In the end...
I wonder who will I lose?
Because I don't choose to love anyone. It just happens.
And I've fallen in love.. twice.
The first one didn't go so smoothly. It was always hard to read his aura, as it keeps changing and shifting. I was never sure how much he ever 'liked' me at all. I remember chasing after him blindly, stupidly. But he never really showed signs of reply in public, ever. It was a cute, stupid thing. I laughed at myself. Somehow, one day, as I was walking with a friend, it just snapped off. The feelings... just disappeared. Just like that. I felt it, right at that moment. Gone. I was so happy! I hugged my friend. I was free from the useless feelings! The love spell broke!
I was doing just fine after that time. I felt relieved. I kept on living and laughing with my friends in front of him, showing that I can live without him anyway.
And then...
During the holidays, where I was carefree and joyful, I started to get to know him. We got along so well, I was surprised myself. He was wonderful. Still rather new to the whole thing, I was surpised -again- to see that we faced a bump in our relationship for a moment. I was devastated. But he returned, with promises, giving me high hopes, putting me at peace. Until it happened again. But this time... I don't know where it will take me. I'll wait to see. I want to see.
Yet...
I feel attracted to one of his friends. He was nice to me. He had a sensitive, gentle soul. And then there's him. I saw his red aura immediately and felt attracted somehow.
In the end...
I wonder who will I lose?
Sam... I know...
Sam approached me this morning. He sat next to me during the morning assembly. I felt his aura; it seemed as if he had something to tell me. But Lia came and beside him too, breaking off his intentions. She left soon afterwards, but I could sense that he was searching the courage to say the things he wanted to say again.
"Never mind," I thought. "I'll let him say it when he wants to. He needs time, I know."
We walked back to class in silence, though I tried to break it by asking him some stupid questions. As usual.
He tried to talk again, but there were too many people around. Only when everyone had left for P.E., when we were alone in class together, did he manage to talk.
And guess what he talked about?
His love. The person he's in love with. And how he can't stop thinking about that person. How he's jealous of the fact that this person has found a possible someone else. And how he's angry at the fact that the person doesn't know about his love...
I listened intently and felt pitiful for him. He turned to me and asked me, "How do I make this feeling stop?"
I leaned my back on my chair, looking up at the ceiling and sighed.
"You're asking the wrong person, Sam..." I whispered. "Even I don't know how to stop mine, too..."
He heard me. He stared off into blankness, like me. He told me that whenever he hears David Archuleta's songs, he remembers that person. As for me, almost everything and anything at all reminds me of him! My mind is too smart for my own good, as it seems to relate every small things all the way back to him.
I feel you, Sam. I know exactly what you mean. There's nothing else for us to do but wait and wait in silence, letting everything happen, even as we hold on to the feelings, because things just happen.
"Never mind," I thought. "I'll let him say it when he wants to. He needs time, I know."
We walked back to class in silence, though I tried to break it by asking him some stupid questions. As usual.
He tried to talk again, but there were too many people around. Only when everyone had left for P.E., when we were alone in class together, did he manage to talk.
And guess what he talked about?
His love. The person he's in love with. And how he can't stop thinking about that person. How he's jealous of the fact that this person has found a possible someone else. And how he's angry at the fact that the person doesn't know about his love...
I listened intently and felt pitiful for him. He turned to me and asked me, "How do I make this feeling stop?"
I leaned my back on my chair, looking up at the ceiling and sighed.
"You're asking the wrong person, Sam..." I whispered. "Even I don't know how to stop mine, too..."
He heard me. He stared off into blankness, like me. He told me that whenever he hears David Archuleta's songs, he remembers that person. As for me, almost everything and anything at all reminds me of him! My mind is too smart for my own good, as it seems to relate every small things all the way back to him.
I feel you, Sam. I know exactly what you mean. There's nothing else for us to do but wait and wait in silence, letting everything happen, even as we hold on to the feelings, because things just happen.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Red
I don't know why. I haven't seen him in a couple of years and to tell you the truth, back then, I didn't even know him that well at all! I only knew him. He was just a person. One of those typical Malay bad boys. We weren't close enough to become friends. Never. Ever.
And yet...
The very moment I saw him again, on that particular Sunday, I immediately saw his aura.
Red. Like me.
That totally caught me by surprise. Big surprise.
We shook hands. Red aura flowed through our hands and mixed for a bit there. So visible. So solid. It was right there, in my sense.
Why?
We talked and actually got along pretty well. We planned to go to Limkokwing University of Creative Technology together. That will be an amazing experience. I want him there. I really do. I look forward to it. It's going to be fun and exciting.
I texted him. He replied. I was so glad he replied. We could become friends.
Real friends.
And yet...
The very moment I saw him again, on that particular Sunday, I immediately saw his aura.
Red. Like me.
That totally caught me by surprise. Big surprise.
We shook hands. Red aura flowed through our hands and mixed for a bit there. So visible. So solid. It was right there, in my sense.
Why?
We talked and actually got along pretty well. We planned to go to Limkokwing University of Creative Technology together. That will be an amazing experience. I want him there. I really do. I look forward to it. It's going to be fun and exciting.
I texted him. He replied. I was so glad he replied. We could become friends.
Real friends.
Quickly...
Oh dear... I've seen how they want each other so much. I want him to be happy, so I'll probably let him be... A sad smile appears on my face again.
Ah! Look. What perfect timing. He finally replied! He'll get my mind off the two of them for a bit. Time to form a new bond again.
Ah! Look. What perfect timing. He finally replied! He'll get my mind off the two of them for a bit. Time to form a new bond again.
Monday, July 06, 2009
Inner argument
"Should I?"
"No, wait... If I move now, that means I'm going too fast... again."
"I need to take things slow and easy, remember? Argh, what is wrong with you, Asuka?!"
"But I might lose him by then!"
"Then again... I might be just a hindrance to him."
"I don't want to get in his way. I am not sure who he wants."
"I'm just making assumptions... Ridiculous ones. What if he doesn't want me?"
"But I'll lose him..."
"There are others in consideration... And there's still him."
"I know there are other guys but... I don't want them to hate me... They're too precious. They all are, including him and him."
"I need an answer from him."
"But I'm afraid to ask... I'm embarrassed."
"And/or I might get embarrassed if I ask him anyway."
"So..."
"Should I?"
It's never that easy talking to yourself. And most of the time, you argue and argue, until, in the end, you don't get anywhere and return to the beginning again.
I revolve... again. And again.
"No, wait... If I move now, that means I'm going too fast... again."
"I need to take things slow and easy, remember? Argh, what is wrong with you, Asuka?!"
"But I might lose him by then!"
"Then again... I might be just a hindrance to him."
"I don't want to get in his way. I am not sure who he wants."
"I'm just making assumptions... Ridiculous ones. What if he doesn't want me?"
"But I'll lose him..."
"There are others in consideration... And there's still him."
"I know there are other guys but... I don't want them to hate me... They're too precious. They all are, including him and him."
"I need an answer from him."
"But I'm afraid to ask... I'm embarrassed."
"And/or I might get embarrassed if I ask him anyway."
"So..."
"Should I?"
It's never that easy talking to yourself. And most of the time, you argue and argue, until, in the end, you don't get anywhere and return to the beginning again.
I revolve... again. And again.
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Rush
Last night, after the pain I felt in my body, my head, my.. heart, I decided to sleep.
Time to succumb myself in my dreams.
And I wondered, "What dream will I dream tonight?"
I couldn't sleep well. It was hard for me to actually go to sleep. But when I finally did...
I was rushing. Rushing to prepare myself to go to a place. Somewhere. Rush.
I realised that I was always in a rush. Well, no, not really. I just wanted to go fast. Quick.
I told my friend to slow down... I need to slow down, as well. And this is taking too much effort from a person like me. But I'm trying. I really am. I'm being stopped now and then anyway, so... yeah.
Moving on!
Time to succumb myself in my dreams.
And I wondered, "What dream will I dream tonight?"
I couldn't sleep well. It was hard for me to actually go to sleep. But when I finally did...
I was rushing. Rushing to prepare myself to go to a place. Somewhere. Rush.
I realised that I was always in a rush. Well, no, not really. I just wanted to go fast. Quick.
I told my friend to slow down... I need to slow down, as well. And this is taking too much effort from a person like me. But I'm trying. I really am. I'm being stopped now and then anyway, so... yeah.
Moving on!
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Pain
Ahh... My h-heart... It hurts...
Having the love of your life break up with you and say “we can still be friends” is like your dog dying and your mum saying “you can still keep it.”
It does feel that way...
Additionally, it also feels like a thousand swords had pierced through your body. Stuck there. All over.
I'm accepting the pain, though.
Drowning in this feeling. Suffocating. High pressure stabs you in the head, the body.
Just keep holding my breath. I will breathe when he comes.
My heart that had melted from all his sweet words have hardened and been thrown on a rock, hard, shattering it to pieces.
Having the love of your life break up with you and say “we can still be friends” is like your dog dying and your mum saying “you can still keep it.”
It does feel that way...
Additionally, it also feels like a thousand swords had pierced through your body. Stuck there. All over.
I'm accepting the pain, though.
Drowning in this feeling. Suffocating. High pressure stabs you in the head, the body.
Just keep holding my breath. I will breathe when he comes.
My heart that had melted from all his sweet words have hardened and been thrown on a rock, hard, shattering it to pieces.
Just enduring this. Endure, endure.
My whole body went rigid and cold, as if dead.
He can provide the warmth. I'll wait for it.
When we were together, my heart bloomed fully like a beautiful flower and now that he's gone, it withers.
My tears didn't help water the flower. He can provide the nutrients again.
No matter what. I will keep on defending my position.
My whole body went rigid and cold, as if dead.
He can provide the warmth. I'll wait for it.
When we were together, my heart bloomed fully like a beautiful flower and now that he's gone, it withers.
My tears didn't help water the flower. He can provide the nutrients again.
No matter what. I will keep on defending my position.
Contradiction
Oh my...
I see all my other friends' statuses... and most of them are related to the one thing I need an answer for now...
Love.
I smiled sadly and chuckled pathetically alone.
"Something withers. Someone laughs."
I see all my other friends' statuses... and most of them are related to the one thing I need an answer for now...
Love.
I smiled sadly and chuckled pathetically alone.
"Something withers. Someone laughs."
Revolve
A circle.
I remember talking about this once.
When returning to the beginning, it's better to go on ahead and take a full round rather than just turn back abruptly and taking the path you took before.
It's because, at least, when you go on and take the longer way, you go on a journey and see new things. If you turn straight back, you will only see the things you've seen on your way before.
It's fine if you want to go back to the start. I only prefer to just go on for a little bit more before completely coming back.
When life revolves, you find yourself seeing the beginning again. Yet you go on and on. Everyone starts to revolve again.
I remember talking about this once.
When returning to the beginning, it's better to go on ahead and take a full round rather than just turn back abruptly and taking the path you took before.
It's because, at least, when you go on and take the longer way, you go on a journey and see new things. If you turn straight back, you will only see the things you've seen on your way before.
It's fine if you want to go back to the start. I only prefer to just go on for a little bit more before completely coming back.
When life revolves, you find yourself seeing the beginning again. Yet you go on and on. Everyone starts to revolve again.
Friday, July 03, 2009
Colours
It was after school.
I sat in the art room and got out my favourite blue pencil from my black and red pencil case. I threw my blue and white bag on the chair next to me. The little water left in my blue water bottle splashed inside.
Hmm...
I remember thinking, at the beginning of the year of 2009, on New Year's Day...
"I'm going to try and change myself into a less aggressive person this year. I shall start by surrounding myself in a calmer colour... My favourite colour is red... I'll change it to blue this year!"
But...
Sometime near mid-year, I realised that I couldn't change my favourite colour after all. I declared that my favourite colour is red again. It is the colour of my aura, anyway. I can't change that. But I must say... the colour blue did make a change. I did grow calmer. And... most people with blue aura... those that I know of... they are such interesting people. And important in my life too..
Again, you know who you are. I'd like to thank you.
So I continued sketching on my drawing paper. I had my earphones on, playing some Japanese music.
Suddenly, the male student who had been working alone at the back of the art room, the one I thought I would ignore as he would ignore me anyway, approached me.
I was so surprised, I almost went blank when he spoke to me.
He said something about my drawings and he even asked me which class I was in. He was trying to strike up a conversation?
I thought I was invisible... but I'm not. Not when I actually show my true colours. I was being myself. Drawing... and listening to music... Both my passion. He saw me when I was being myself. My calm self.
He left after a quick nod and a smile. I smiled back.
And continued smiling to myself.
I sat in the art room and got out my favourite blue pencil from my black and red pencil case. I threw my blue and white bag on the chair next to me. The little water left in my blue water bottle splashed inside.
Hmm...
I remember thinking, at the beginning of the year of 2009, on New Year's Day...
"I'm going to try and change myself into a less aggressive person this year. I shall start by surrounding myself in a calmer colour... My favourite colour is red... I'll change it to blue this year!"
But...
Sometime near mid-year, I realised that I couldn't change my favourite colour after all. I declared that my favourite colour is red again. It is the colour of my aura, anyway. I can't change that. But I must say... the colour blue did make a change. I did grow calmer. And... most people with blue aura... those that I know of... they are such interesting people. And important in my life too..
Again, you know who you are. I'd like to thank you.
So I continued sketching on my drawing paper. I had my earphones on, playing some Japanese music.
Suddenly, the male student who had been working alone at the back of the art room, the one I thought I would ignore as he would ignore me anyway, approached me.
I was so surprised, I almost went blank when he spoke to me.
He said something about my drawings and he even asked me which class I was in. He was trying to strike up a conversation?
I thought I was invisible... but I'm not. Not when I actually show my true colours. I was being myself. Drawing... and listening to music... Both my passion. He saw me when I was being myself. My calm self.
He left after a quick nod and a smile. I smiled back.
And continued smiling to myself.
Smile
Today. I smile.
I keep thinking of the absolutely sweetest things. The things he did for me. What he said to me. Not only him, though. I keep thinking of the sweet things others have done and said to me too.
My friends.
I treasure them in my heart. Forever. I shall never forget everyone's roles in my life. My one, interesting life.
I may look like a person who changes her mind on things all the time, but when I say "I mean it", I mean it. Like I do now.
Oh, how the cute, meaningful quotes I keep seeing in books, movies or even those that came from a real person himself, it made me sigh, gasp slowly or just smile sadly.
I get touched. Even as I listen to some songs, I will try to relate myself with it. Everything; the flow of the music and the meaning behind the lyrics... I relate them to myself. My inner self. My outer self. I even let my moods change along with the corresponding songs.
It's beautiful. It helps me get through life. I get inspired. And I get strength to go on.
I might sound silly and dreamy... but that's just the way I am. The creative one. The dreamer. I'm gifted with these elements and these create the person I am today. My thoughts, my feelings...
I looked up from the paper I was writing on. I see my friends. All around me. They.. They look so happy. They're smiling. Love is... always in the air.
I love you.
I keep thinking of the absolutely sweetest things. The things he did for me. What he said to me. Not only him, though. I keep thinking of the sweet things others have done and said to me too.
My friends.
I treasure them in my heart. Forever. I shall never forget everyone's roles in my life. My one, interesting life.
I may look like a person who changes her mind on things all the time, but when I say "I mean it", I mean it. Like I do now.
Oh, how the cute, meaningful quotes I keep seeing in books, movies or even those that came from a real person himself, it made me sigh, gasp slowly or just smile sadly.
I get touched. Even as I listen to some songs, I will try to relate myself with it. Everything; the flow of the music and the meaning behind the lyrics... I relate them to myself. My inner self. My outer self. I even let my moods change along with the corresponding songs.
It's beautiful. It helps me get through life. I get inspired. And I get strength to go on.
I might sound silly and dreamy... but that's just the way I am. The creative one. The dreamer. I'm gifted with these elements and these create the person I am today. My thoughts, my feelings...
I looked up from the paper I was writing on. I see my friends. All around me. They.. They look so happy. They're smiling. Love is... always in the air.
I love you.
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Cold
I feel cold. Empty. Hollow. Lifeless.
I can't help it but I do mean it. I'm not even exaggerating. Now I know what it's really like to feel.. heartbroken. It feels like your heart has broken. Literally. It hurts.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is what I have to endure. This is what I am facing. Cruel, yes, but I need to know... I just want to know... how far can I go without looking back..? I am ready to withstand this. I am ready to enter this game. No, this is not a game. This is reality. My life. And I am willing to fight and sacrifice myself in this. I am willing to hurt myself, even more than I already am now. To strain myself, just to get the answers that I wanted all along.
He is not to be blamed... Okay, maybe he is, as everyone, including himself said, but I... I can never... just never be able to bring myself to say it... I can't hate him. Or curse him, either. Which is a rather surprising feat for me, considering how impatient I am. This proves how important... how precious... how meaningful he is to me.
Right now, I'm feeling the worst I've ever felt. No, wait... This is my first time feeling it... But it still feels like the worst.
I have never wanted anyone so much in my life. I have never cried over anyone so much in my life. My friends believe in me. They want to support me. They think it's right to want something. To be sure of something. I smile at them... and tears still fall off my cheeks.
I need the strength to endure this. Because I know what I want.
I want him too much.
I can't help it but I do mean it. I'm not even exaggerating. Now I know what it's really like to feel.. heartbroken. It feels like your heart has broken. Literally. It hurts.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is what I have to endure. This is what I am facing. Cruel, yes, but I need to know... I just want to know... how far can I go without looking back..? I am ready to withstand this. I am ready to enter this game. No, this is not a game. This is reality. My life. And I am willing to fight and sacrifice myself in this. I am willing to hurt myself, even more than I already am now. To strain myself, just to get the answers that I wanted all along.
He is not to be blamed... Okay, maybe he is, as everyone, including himself said, but I... I can never... just never be able to bring myself to say it... I can't hate him. Or curse him, either. Which is a rather surprising feat for me, considering how impatient I am. This proves how important... how precious... how meaningful he is to me.
Right now, I'm feeling the worst I've ever felt. No, wait... This is my first time feeling it... But it still feels like the worst.
I have never wanted anyone so much in my life. I have never cried over anyone so much in my life. My friends believe in me. They want to support me. They think it's right to want something. To be sure of something. I smile at them... and tears still fall off my cheeks.
I need the strength to endure this. Because I know what I want.
I want him too much.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Fight for love
I had been watching Honey & Clover again.
It helped me cry, it helped me smile. And I gained my determination.
I have decided strongly that I will fight. I will keep on fighting and striving to do my best, even though he claims that I am "fighting a losing battle".
No, as I told him, "a battle is not completely lost until the very end".
Yes, I do realise that I might end up losing in the end, end up getting terribly hurt and wounded. I might. But, that is in the future. One that no one knows.
So, until then, I will keep going on.
I raise my sword and point it at him.
"It's about time I fight violently for the one I love. I want to see... how far can I go without looking back..?"
I start running towards him, and my sword is ready to be used for slashing through any hardship.
I know the tears will keep on falling down, but I'll smile through those tears. I will.
Anything is possible. I want to show everyone and.. myself that I can still fight.
It helped me cry, it helped me smile. And I gained my determination.
I have decided strongly that I will fight. I will keep on fighting and striving to do my best, even though he claims that I am "fighting a losing battle".
No, as I told him, "a battle is not completely lost until the very end".
Yes, I do realise that I might end up losing in the end, end up getting terribly hurt and wounded. I might. But, that is in the future. One that no one knows.
So, until then, I will keep going on.
I raise my sword and point it at him.
"It's about time I fight violently for the one I love. I want to see... how far can I go without looking back..?"
I start running towards him, and my sword is ready to be used for slashing through any hardship.
I know the tears will keep on falling down, but I'll smile through those tears. I will.
Anything is possible. I want to show everyone and.. myself that I can still fight.
Falling
She came home...
She immediately fell asleep on her bed. Throughout her sleep, she dreamt of many horrible things... Things going wrong everytime... She saw them all in her restless sleep.
She woke up.
He wants her to forgive him. But she couldn't. Not when she had not completely let go. She held on and on, hoping it would lead her to a.. better somewhere... The conversation stopped.
Tears begin to well up in my eyes now. I will let them fall, if I have to.
She was sick. Very sick.
Falling sick.. and falling in love... falling out of it, too... Falling tears...
Fall... Such a.. depressing word to use.
Falling might just go on and on but.. eventually, you'll reach the end of it, anyway. Whatever 'it' might be...
The season 'fall' or 'autumn'... Right now should be the season of fall in some other countries, right? Since it's July already... It's been that long, huh? It's probably called 'fall' because of the falling leaves...
They fall down... to make room for new leaves to grow later in spring...
Should she fall down, too? And make room for new love?
No!! I don't want to give up! Right now, I am experiencing the season fall in my love story. That means... I have to go through harsh, lonely winter... And then, reach a brand new spring.
Just because my leaf is falling, it doesn't mean the new leaf would be a different one. It is from the same tree. So, technically, once my spring comes, the new leaf would still be me. Maybe a little different, changed for the better. But still me.
She will keep holding on. Cling on to him. Maybe.. just maybe... He would have a change of heart... again.
I let out a harsh cough.
I will get over this sickness. This.. 'love sickness'. I will heal. I want to. While still holding on.
And so, life revolves again...
She immediately fell asleep on her bed. Throughout her sleep, she dreamt of many horrible things... Things going wrong everytime... She saw them all in her restless sleep.
She woke up.
He wants her to forgive him. But she couldn't. Not when she had not completely let go. She held on and on, hoping it would lead her to a.. better somewhere... The conversation stopped.
Tears begin to well up in my eyes now. I will let them fall, if I have to.
She was sick. Very sick.
Falling sick.. and falling in love... falling out of it, too... Falling tears...
Fall... Such a.. depressing word to use.
Falling might just go on and on but.. eventually, you'll reach the end of it, anyway. Whatever 'it' might be...
The season 'fall' or 'autumn'... Right now should be the season of fall in some other countries, right? Since it's July already... It's been that long, huh? It's probably called 'fall' because of the falling leaves...
They fall down... to make room for new leaves to grow later in spring...
Should she fall down, too? And make room for new love?
No!! I don't want to give up! Right now, I am experiencing the season fall in my love story. That means... I have to go through harsh, lonely winter... And then, reach a brand new spring.
Just because my leaf is falling, it doesn't mean the new leaf would be a different one. It is from the same tree. So, technically, once my spring comes, the new leaf would still be me. Maybe a little different, changed for the better. But still me.
She will keep holding on. Cling on to him. Maybe.. just maybe... He would have a change of heart... again.
I let out a harsh cough.
I will get over this sickness. This.. 'love sickness'. I will heal. I want to. While still holding on.
And so, life revolves again...
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