Bad day

I had not been able to sleep soundly.

I was woken up by a call from someone whom I don't even know and care about.

I had not had the appetite to eat.

The whole house was hot and stuffy due to the weather.

I was grumpy, angry and frustrated.

Today was not such a good day, apparently.

...And to top it off, no one even cares. I bet no one even reads this.

Over?

So, it's over already.

I'm practically free for about 3 months now.

But why don't I feel independent?

I don't feel that overwhelming relief that I'm supposed to feel.

In fact, it's either I feel normal or I'm just going emotional.

He walked with me.

Did I want that?

Biology paper

My Biology paper was very uncomfortable.

Know why?

He was sitting behind me, close by.

It unnerves me so, knowing that he could be watching me at any given time while I was distracted, doing my exam. And that I can't keep an eye on him.

Damn him and his confusing effect on me.

Wishlist

There's this thing going around in DA, and I think it's very sweet and lovely.

You'd have to create a wishlist of things that you want, whether they are petty and seem silly, or big and important for the sake of everyone. It only has to be pure and honest; you really, really want it.

Everyone else can see your list, and who knows? Maybe he or she has the ability to make your wish happen.

It can be so magical! <3

Here is the list of everyone else's wishes: http://nayruasukei.deviantart.com/journal/forum/1384491

And here's mine:

1) To get accepted into Limkokwing University of Creative technology by 2010. Oh please, oh please.
2) To find someone whom I love and loves me back, enough for a stable relationship.
3) To have pets such as a cat, iguana and a hedgehog. :3
4) For all the ignorant people to stop killing animals in the wild for no apparent good reason.
5) For my family to get on good terms with each other.
6) A Nintendo DSi. But a Nintendo DS Lite works too.
7) A new VAIO laptop of my very own.
8) An iPhone. Or just a new Sony Ericcson cellphone. XP
9) A Canon DSLR camera. OwO
10) To be able to go to New York or Tokyo.

Rootless

I wish I could detect what my problem is.

I'm so unpredictable, even I can't know what I'm about to do!

This sucks.

I was so calm and collected for quite a while, and then I would suddenly plummet down into an abyss of confusion and lost feeling.

And to top it off, it happens right when I'm halfway through my Malaysian Ceritificate of Education examinations.

I thought I could pierce through the exams like cutting through air with a knife, but why, oh why, didn't I see this coming?

I should have known this would happen, in one way or another.

Maybe there is no core of the problem. Maybe the problem doesn't have any roots.

Maybe I would never be able to stop this unpredictability...

It keeps coming and coming...

Silent treatment

Ever since the last few days, I must say, I have been doing a good job avoiding him.

I'm giving him the silent treatment.

I know my indifferent and ignorant attitude towards him confused him. Every time I was close by him, I could sense that he was waiting, and waiting, for me to make the first move to talk to him. Usually, I would be the one to try to strike up a conversation between us, in an obvious excited manner.

But I didn't.

I made it look obvious that I was avoiding him. He was baffled.

He stayed put and still waited for the first few days. But today, he decided to make sure I see him. He walked in front of me and said a small "Hey." I simply looked up and smiled as minimum as possible, and turned back to Ashraf.

Take that, you double-faced airhead.

Backstabber

You backstabbing idiot! You're a low-life! How can you live with such evil in you?

I've always wanted to say this to you...

Thank you.

You have finally stabbed into my back deep enough with your sharp dagger. Deep enough for me to feel the pain. Finally.

And now that I know I've been wounded from the back, I'll twist and wrench that dagger away from me.

I'll kill you myself.

One life down.

Recognition

I tried so hard... to get recognition.

Why is it so hard for me to stand out, despite my efforts? Alas, they were futile, I realise. I know I have tried. Yet, no one still cared.

I shed tears, and no one seemed to notice.

Or they simply left me alone to drown in my own anxiety because I implied that I wanted to be left alone with my problems.

I still crave for attention, damn it. I have talents, and special abilities. I want the people to know about them, so that they could appreciate me.

No one ever did.

...Not those in majority, anyway.

Understanding

A speech by some random fat guy at school.

That was all that was needed to keep these shallow-minded idiots at my school thinkin'.

And apparently, it sparked a little argument... no, well, a conflict, between me and two of my best friends.

I realised that they thought of me as some mindless, spoilt rich brat that has fun for nothing.

They wanted to work for a living, and earn money, to survive in their future. They.. somewhat mocked me, by pointing out the fact that my parents have a lot of money so that I don't have to work after high school, while they, the lower classmen, have to suffer and work hard.

"What are you going to do after school finishes?" Natsuki asked.

Before I could answer, Mira said in a mocking voice, "Playing games... Doing artworks..."

I was taken aback by the mockery in her voice. How could she? Sure, I said that before, but why treat me like that? It's not like I'm going to waste my time completely. I realise that I have a future too. My type of future is just different from theirs.

I'm going to take up musical lessons again, in case I can become a part-time singer. Playing games and doing artworks are activities that inspire me. If I'm going to be an animator, don't I freakin' need inspiration and creativity? And If I could, I'd like to go travelling.

"Oh, right, travelling... Yeah... That's not work that gives you money," Mira added. "People like us need to work for money."

Travelling gives me inspiration too. We are young and are going to be free after high school. We have to enjoy and loosen up sometimes too. They were talking as if they were already bounded by responsibilities towards their own families already. Like, married. They're not.

I'm not...

They should just continue their studies in a college or university, not work in some crappy factory like they were thinking of doing. At least, get a respectable part-time job at a small clinic or a mall or something. Factory-workers are not my best friends' standards. They are smart and brilliant, not to be made slaves.

I know I'm not that good in school. But I do have thoughts in my mind. I do think. I know I'm smart, in a way. Not a book-smart, definitely, but smart, I am. They mark me as carefree, but I care about them.

Have they forgotten who taught them to use English more widely? Have they forgotten who constantly reminded them about the importance of becoming more eco-friendly? Have they forgotten who their best friend was?

I love them. But I cannot stand by the sidelines as they criticise me like that. I will not tolerate it. So I fought back.

Fortunately, thanks to my common sense, I fought back only distinctively. I need not cause a big argument between us out of this. As if we haven't enough problems already... Sigh. I know Natsuki will start fighting with Ashraf anytime again soon, and Mira could break down emotionally anytime soon, too.

So, I just made my point and backed off.

They have not understood me. But then again, it could be me who doesn't understand them.

Good friend

Hey, I realised something today.

I had fun.

Today, I came to school late, and with a sour mood, due to the dispute I had with my father last night and this morning. He really pissed me off. I entered class and saw Mira, but I didn't feel like talking to her, so it was cold silence between us. She later went off to the assembly with the rest of the kids, leaving me and Sam behind because we wanted to be left behind.

We talked. I was really glad that he wanted to turn to me to talk about these things. It made me feel so appreciated, unlike most people have succeeded to do. Then, we decided that we should go to the assembly anyway, since the other Fifth Formers were told to stay there. On the way there, Sam said that the guys are coming in already, so we turned back, but there, we had to face a really creepy pink monster, forcing us to turn back again. We bumped into Zaid from Gamma, who told us that the teachers at the assembly are threatening to cut the guys' long hair. I warned him about the pink monster and suggested that he and Sam hide at my old workplace while I attend the assembly. Gratefully, the two boys hid.

Before going to my girlfriends at the back, I stopped to talk to Joel and Irfan for a bit. While I was walking to my girls, I noticed that he was there. I purposely looked down and averted my eyes, but I could feel that he was looking at me. Oh well, I didn't let him bother me and went to my friends.

Back at class, the scary pink monster strikes again, putting Mira under serious stress. Not only that, a male monster then barged in and starts attacking all of us, one by one (but not me, fortunately), stressing Mira out even more. Poor girl. Well, all I could offer was my listening ear. I don't want to annoy her by giving out stupid advices or anything, because I know those would surely annoy me if I was in her shoes. I let her hang out with Ashraf and Natsuki during Biology, while I sulk momentarily since the male monster attack. I was also feeling down because of the whales from last night.

The recess bell rang and I automatically took out my breakfast; cream and apple bread, while Sam immediately turned behind to eat with me. As I was eating in a hypnotical manner, Sam's little sister came and sat next to me, making some jokes. I started to feel better and was even better when Sam invited me to go to the cafeteria with him. We walked through the field and saw Natsuki sitting at the grandstand alone. Sam bumped my arm with his, encouraging me to go and talk to her.

I went to her and asked her, "What's up?". She noticed my bad mood in class earlier and wanted to know what caused it. I was reluctant to tell her at first, but when I was about to say it, Ashraf came along with food for his girlfriend. I cancelled my intentions and quickly said goodbye to her.

Coincidentally, I saw Joel, but I could see that he was busy with his companions, so I simply said hi. I searched for Sam and stayed with him. We walked back to class together too. English offered two free periods for us, so we spent the time hanging out together.

Ekin and Mira were talking and making some jokes that we failed to understand. But Sam and I were also talking and making jokes that they couldn't quite figure out. The whole situation ended up looking pretty hilarious. We played a silly game with my water bottle and once we ran out of topics to talk about, we simply rested our heads on our arms and stared at each other in the face, speaking quietly.

Out of the blue, he came to our class. Sam, being the mischievous boy he is, decided to try to tease him and make him jealous. He edged closer to me and I playfully ruffled his hair. We speculated that he might have seen how close we were and retreated back to his own class. Immediately after he was out of sight, we burst out laughing.

Haha, really, I enjoyed hanging out with Sam today. I felt very comfortable around him and he was.. no, is a very good friend indeed.

Whale Wars

Whale Wars. Discovery Channel.

The series caught my interest and kept me very fascinated. It is full of emotions. It managed to make me feel touched. The first time I watched it, I was in awe. I immediately felt as if I could join them. I knew I would, if given the chance. I would strongly join them and give my all to saving the big, beautiful whales.

I'm very proud of the Sea Shepherds; the brave, valiant group of people dedicated to saving whales.

Volunteers have come from all over the world and boarded the ship dubbed the Steve Irwin in memory of the late Crocodile Hunter. Most of them are greenhorns and have not fully understood what they had to do. But along the way, out on the harsh sea, they saw the lovely whales and are reminded of their objective.

These people are willing to sacrifice their time, energy, freedom and even life for the sake of the whales. They are, to me, quite noble. I admire them.

The show kept me on my toes and I admit, I almost cried. The tense feeling was agonising and I was hoping so hard the Sea Shepherds would have things going their way.

And then my father came along and criticised them, saying that they were the rude ones, instead of the cruel Japanese whalers. He stubbornly mentioned that the Sea Shepherds should have let the higher authorities do the job and not take matters into their own hands.

Doesn't he understand that if they don't do something, the government won't take notice?! Because the government is NOT taking notice! They're NOT doing anything! That's why the Sea Shepherds are on the Steve Irwin out on the sea!

No, I don't like it when he starts to go overboard like this. I, as a great animal lover, am very sensitive to those stupid thoughts of his. I fought with him over this matter, yes.

I know I can't talk of this problem with any of my friends at school tomorrow, because they won't understand my deep love for animals. They'll probably laugh at me and tell me, "Sheesh, Athira, it's only a small matter..."

IT'S NOT A SMALL MATTER!

This concerns the poor, helpless whales in the ocean. Some bloody stupid humans are bloody killing them without sympathy! Can't they think rationally and think ahead? What of the future? What will the future generations look at anymore, if the whales are completely wiped out?

I don't want to tell my children or grandchildren that they can't find live whales on the planet anymore, because they are extinct. No, I want them to see live whales someday.

So, please... support the Sea Shepherds. Save the whales... please...

I'm okay

It figures.

All those words that he used... pricked me just like miniature thorns that are totally harmless, even when in bulk.

I guess I could never actually say I'm completely done for when it comes to this.

But hey, it's receding.

She was right. I don't need him. Just yet. I'm still living, aren't I? I can live without them, too.

I'm okay.

Animals

I can tell you this; I'm obsessed with animals.

I remember rescuing a little bee. I helped him gain balance and fly again. It kind of made me feel strange seeing it off in the air again. I didn't like insects. I almost killed him to put him out of his misery. I'm glad I didn't. I tried and tried to help him until he eventually flew. How touching.

I was petting a kind cat when she suddenly bounded away from me as I tried to pick her up. I felt a gentle bump on my hip. I turned around to see a brown puppy. So he scared the cat away. I thought it was me. Haha. Once the puppy realised he couldn't reach the cat, who had escaped to a nearby drain, he came towards me and started jumping on me, wanting to play.

I have always liked doing word puzzles, especially when it comes to a topic that I am passionate about, such as music, colours and animals. My best friend borrowed my puzzle book and finished one topic without me knowing. Of all the topics she had to finish, it just had to be one that depicted wild animals. My favourite. I had been saving it for an especially calming day, where I could quickly complete it in peace, alone.
But she finished it. It made me feel... yes, disappointed. Maybe a little frustrated too. Tears even appeared, out of the feeling of 'injustice'. I didn't feel it was fair for her to complete the one topic that I had loved so much. I was not satisfied. I erased all her answers without really looking at it and allowed myself to calm down before finishing it myself. Only then did I feel satisfied. Just a little. I wanted to blame her but I knew I couldn't. I don't like making a big deal out of petty things. I released my tension alone and decided not to make a big deal out of it, after all.

I'm obsessed.

I want my very own pet...

Cendol

I was walking back home from school, meaning to take my usual route through the abandoned hall in my neighbourhood, but I saw 4 of my classmates on the other side of the road. They were Lia, Ekin, Natsuki and Ashraf. I didn't know they planned to go somewhere together, therefore called out for them loudly. They couldn't hear me, but Ekin coincidentally turned around and saw me. I waved at her and she prompted the others to look.

We shouted at each other, from across the big road.

"Hey! Where are you guys going?"

"We're going to go eat cendol together! Wanna come?"

I gave it a quick thought and decided to tag along. I crossed the road and went over to them, meowing. While I snapped pictures, Lia somehow managed to accidentally rip the hem of her school uniform's skirt. Of course we had lots of laughter along the way.

At the bus stop in front of the police station, near the cendol stall, Lia and Ekin decided to tell us a story about a certain policeman who once creeped the hell out of them. Apparently, the said policeman was right behind them, whom Ashraf, Natsuki and I could see but not recognise at the time. So there Lia and Ekin were, making fun of the policeman and laughing at him (we laughed too) while he stood like a tree behind them.

Natsuki suddenly realised the possibility of that man being the police officer Lia and Ekin were talking about and pointed behind them, saying, "Hah! There! Isn't that the man?"

Lia and Ekin turned to look back and shrieked in surprise when they found out that it was him! They were so embarrassed and tried to hide their faces. He was at the cendol stall all along. We moved on to take our seats at the stall, anyway and he sort of shouted at us, accusing us of many things such as stealing other kids's schoolbags and dating illegally. Even I was confused for a second or two, whether he was joking or not. Not only that, he dared approach us and slap Ashraf on the back for no reason at all. Lia and Ekin were right; he IS creepy.

He soon left, however, much to our relief, and we were able to place our orders. We chatted, and laughed out loud. Now here comes another creepy man. It seemed that he was sneering at us, saying that girls shouldn't be laughing that hard. Lia, Ekin and I were like, muttering under our breaths, "Whatever..."

Once he was gone, Ekin whispered a tale about him. He is actually known by people around that area for being a busybody and a heavy gossiper. It's obvious that he isn't liked by the public. After a certain bad discovery for him, Ekin thought that he would have repented and stop meddling in everyone else's affairs, but seeing him there at the cendol stall, mocking us, assured her that he has not.

Despite that, I enjoyed spending time with my dear friends as I slurped on my sweet beverage. I really hope that we could do this more often.

Purple

I know now.

The man of my dreams... The image of the perfect guy I've always had in mind...

His aura is purple.

Therefore, from now on, I'm putting my hopes on purple. I hope he's out there somewhere for me. I know he is. I just gotta find him.

Darn, I should've known about the significance of the colour purple in my imaginations since earlier. Ah, what a slowpoke, I am.

I'm single and ready to mingle, huh? Haha.

I cry too

That night, you told me not to cry. I didn't. I wasn't.

At the time.

Almost immediately after you left, I buried my face in my hands and sobbed, with the big bright moon watching over me. I went back to our seats and imagined you were still there, with me. I wanted to hug you. To kiss you.

But I didn't dare.

If I did, what would you have thought? I didn't want you to think negatively of it, and ruin the friendship that I'm trying to build with you. I had to try and take things slowly again. Patience, patience...

Maybe I won't get you to be mine. Maybe I will find someone else later. Maybe. Just maybe.

But can't I dream of being with you for now? Just for a moment in my life, I want you... So I'm probably going to still hope, leave off a few hints, and then come right straight out to you, like I did.

Besides, I don't just need you as a lover, I need a you as a friend; a best friend, most importantly. Lately, I just don't seem to have anyone to really talk to anymore. My so-called best friend had been restrained from me again. I know it's not her fault, but she could've at least tried harder. Oh well, that's her problem, and if she didn't feel like telling me, it's her choice. I'm accepting the fact. Aside from her, there's just no one else I could really talk to, honestly, without having to pretend or fake as someone else.

But you... When we spoke to each other ever-so-honestly that night, I realised that all this time, I had been lonely... and that I haven't had such an open conversation with anyone in a while. When we talked, heart-to-heart, it just hit me like a blizzard; that I had longed for a conversation like that for a long time. And you gave it to me without expectation, and perhaps, without doubt, too.

I want to thank you, for not hiding who you are from me anymore. Meh, it sure stung me a bit, but seriously, I was glad and downright satisfied you told me the truth. I hope... I really hope we get to talk like that again soon. It made me feel so close to you, at least.

I hope you'll understand why I'm doing this. Why I look and seem so desperate. So obsessive.

I'm not. I'm just in love with the wrong guy again.

Different

He kept looking my way, staring and staring.
He seemed to want to talk, but he stopped advancing at the last moment.
He was being his usual cheerful self to me.

3 different guys. They're meaningful to me. We used to be fine together, but now they each acted a different way towards me.

I wonder how this came to be?

Yes, I can be sarcastic.

Guess

No. You know what? Guess. C'mon, guess.

I'm taking back my words.

Now I'm just getting back on track, and moving along, like I know I do. I'm satisfied.

Lost

I have lost. Terribly. And now I am just lost.

What happens now?

Tell me. Tell me.

Sam

I came to school today and was welcomed with a heavy deluge. I was early, as usual, so it was still dark. The great downpour just adds to the gloom of the dark morning. How helpful. Not only that, only a few silent people were around the school at the time. I fleeted past these figures, gladly hiding my face behind my black umbrella as I walked to class.

There, only the 3 Chinese girls were present. I gave them a quick smile and looked away immediately, taking my place in my seat. I sat and watched the empty seats of my fellow team mates. I would have loved to see my beloved friends in them, talking and laughing with me. I disliked the atmosphere of that lifeless, dreary morning. I looked forward to hearing the laughter of my dear friends; as well as my own, alongside theirs.

From my seat, I stared down at my vandalised desk. Soon, wordlessly, I got up and waited by the door. I only heard the fat raindrops fall down onto the earth continuously. The buzz of the people talking inside my class were faint. I grew restless, so I went out to the other blocks to see if I could bump into one of my friends there.

I saw Sam and his sister, Xhuang E. We passed by each other with a grin and high-five slaps. I would meet them back in class later. I just needed to find my other best friends first.

But they were nowhere in sight. I turned back to return to class. Sam watched me enter and came to sit with me immediately. He excitedly reminded me how awesome my party was. I was proud. Xhuang E soon came in to join us in our little talk.

Anyway, we soon had to move to the examination hall, so Sam and I went over there together. We didn't have a test today, practically meaning we had the whole day to ourselves. We spent the first half of our schooltime chatting about many things.

I was satisfied, because I got to talk to Sam that much today. Alone, too. No one came to interrupt and disturb us. I realised that it was rare for us to get such a chance. I'm glad that he still sees me as his best friend.

We even have our own unique handshake now, too.

Insanity

What should I do? What am I doing?

First I'm pretending. And then I feel like letting all these blasted feelings flood out. Next I'll be cursing and attempting to inflict pain on myself somehow. But I'll put on a fake smile again. Though my cheeks are wet with tears.

I'm confusing myself. I'm confusing him. I'm just simply confusing everyone.

Sometimes I wondered if I could switch these feelings off. Like turning off the lights. Allow myself to be enveloped in darkness always. But I can't seem to do so. It's so hard to cover my eyes from the beautiful sight that is him. Such a powerful attraction force. Dammit.

I don't know if I should act aloof and carefree... Because I know. And I do care.

If I act forceful and determined, I might as well just come off as desperate in his eyes. I don't want to be mistaken as that.

I love him. I just do.

So what the bloody fuck is wrong with you, Asuka?!

You tell me.

The List

The list of people who have wished me a happy birthday:

Mira (She was the first one ever. Aww.)

AJ (Tears welled up in my eyes.)

Kei (I felt touched.)

Darryl (Too bad he couldn't come.)

Darsh (First one on Facebook.)

Katie (What a sweet little darling.)

Jaya (Now that's a surprise.)

Mokde (The first aunt to wish me.)

Amoera (Miss talking to her.)

Caezun (Punk ass.)

Mama (Thought she forgot.)

Rin (Okay, little sister.)

Jenny (Wow, she knows?)

Fara (She thought I was joking about inviting her.)

JY (Yay, she got me hook-on earrings!)

Lia (Thought she could hide from me, huh?)

Sue (She came with Lia.)

Xhuang E (Bitch.)

Sam (Gay.)

Ekin (She almost believed my Dad that the party was tomorrow.)

Diha (My favourite little cousin.)

Julius (Fellow animal lover, ex-senior.)

Dharmen (I can't believe the old man remembered to think of me.)

Sun Wei (Wah, unexpected.)

Oen (Too bad her sister couldn't come.)

Shanthen (He played the fool, pretending to forget my birthday.)

AF-kun (Aw, haven't played RO with him in a long while.)

Mak Yam (Second aunt to wish me.)

Xyriel (He got back from KL late, but managed to wish me before midnight arrived.)

Ayah (He purposely wanted to be the last to wish me.)

The guy best friend

I slid open my cupboard door and began looking for the black top that I had planned to wear tomorrow. I found it behind a stack of my folded clothes. It must've gotten wedged down there whenever I rummaged through my clothings messily.

I fished it out and laid it on my bed carefully, looking it over. Then, I hung it up, along with my favourite skinny jeans. I'll have the maid iron them out tomorrow, perhaps.

I sat on my bed and flipped my phone open. Suddenly I remembered. I immediately got up and rushed outside. As I walked briskly to the dining room, I cursed myself for being so forgetful. How could I have forgotten him?

My Dad was in the dining room, working on his laptop. I quickly explained to him that I needed to use his phone to call him, since my own cellphone had run out of credit. I walked quickly back into my room and shut the door. I pressed in the correct numbers and listened to the phone ring.

I hoped he would pick it up.

And he did, indeed.

I was so thrilled to hear his voice once again. We haven't hung out with each other in a while, since he lives in another town and goes to another high school. But at least he's back in Selangor. Though I'm sure he misses living in Johore, just like me. Us, both. Oh, those younger days, innocent times.

I greeted him, and he asked who I was. I expected that, since I was using my Dad's number instead of my own. So I replied, with a slight chuckle, that "It's me, Athira."

"Athira who?"

"Athira Badrolhisham.."

He said that the name didn't ring a bell. I finally realised that he was playing the usual trick on me again. We burst out laughing and I scolded him playfully. I should've remembered that he likes to do that whenever I call him. I'm too forgetful. Darn it, I need to hang out with him more so that he'll be more familiar to me just like before. I don't want to forget him.

So, I began to tell him why I called him in the first place. I reminded him that my birthday is tomorrow and that I'm having a party. I'd love to have him over, but he told me that he couldn't come because he was already on the way to Ipoh. Too bad. I really wanted him to come to my Sweet Seventeen party, along with all my other best friends.

"I consider you as one of my best friends, you know," I once told him. And that flattered him.

But oh, what luck. He couldn't join us tomorrow and meet my other best friends. And that's the end of it.

Probably sensing the disappointment in my voice, he assured me that he'll make it up to me. He promised he would try to come to my house some other day anyway. Just to hang out like we used to. I quickly lightened up again and looked forward to seeing him again.

For a few seconds, we were both silent. He muttered, "Hm. Awkward."

I tried to start a topic, but he beat me to it, asking me what I was doing. I told him that I wasn't really doing anything but deciding what to wear tomorrow. I heard his sister in the background, trying to talk to me, but he shooed her away and shushed her down. It was as if he didn't want anyone else to talk to me but him. I didn't mind. I would've preferred him alone anyway. It was always the same case with his little brother too. He would always make sure I wouldn't be bothered by his siblings and then come to talk to me himself. I actually like it when he makes that kind of effort. It makes me feel so special and wanted. I also enjoy it whenever he speaks to me in a French accent and calls me 'mademoiselle'.

Sufi, as you said, I'll be turning exactly seventeen tomorrow. And that just reminds us how long we've been together, doesn't it? 10 years, we have known each other. I remember the first time we met, you were with my neighbour Xyriel. You boys asked me if I wanted some 'kismis' (raisins) and when I innocently answered yes, both of you laughed. I later found out that Kismis was the name of your grandfather's long-furred dark brown cat.

We started to get close then. Frequently, Sufi, Xyriel and I would be playing together, along with our younger siblings. Both Xyriel and Sufi had younger sisters, Facia and Khairani. They were of the same age. My younger brother, Shahrul was a year younger than the two girls. But the six of us were always together.

We would watch TV together, do arts and crafts outside Xyriel's house together, attend one another's birthday parties together, play with our made-up obstacle courses in my garden together, discuss about Pokemon-related matters together or play Lego together.

On the phone, I grumbled to him about the fact that he couldn't make it to my party and he, as always, retaliated my behaviour with his jokes. And as always, I would chuckle at his jokes. Anyway, both he and his young sister wished me an early happy birthday and finally, we ended the phone call, both reluctantly.

You've always been in a special place in my heart, too.

Hurt

For the past couple of days, I've been sensing that something will go wrong. Terribly wrong.

And gosh, I hate it when I'm right about this.

My party... I don't think it'll be as awesome as I thought it would, due to some change of plans. It'll still go on, though. But whatever it is, the perfect party I had envisioned in my mind had been interrupted.

This whole week, I've been keeping that image of me, hosting the perfect party for all my best friends, in a fragile ball of glass. And now, it's been shattered into a million, tiny pieces. That's not all. The force seemed to be too much and most of the pieces had struck me in the face, injuring my pride.

And then there's this something else, an entirely different topic.

I saw this coming! I knew it would happen someday! Again! I told myself I've braced myself for this kind of answer but still, it hurts! Goddammit, it hurts!

I prefer to describe it as though I had been pierced with a jagged-edged, poison-tipped javelin at the centre of my fist-sized heart that beats with the speed of a hummingbird's wing flappings when I saw the words.

Sounds agonising, doesn't it?

What else will I have to face after this? Am I ready for it?

Unstable

Maybe that's what I'd call myself.

I am unstable.

My physical condition... I'm not too sure about that, but I do experience certain short muscle spasms around random parts of my body occasionally. I have to say I rarely get ill, but once I fall into the cruel hands of a sickness, it hits me like ever-blazing wildfire.

I become unstable.

It has always been this way. I remember when I was only 7 or 8, I was lying down on a mattress, covered in thick blankets, in my parents' air-conditioned room. My whole body shook with high fever. I closed my eyes and saw an endless void of darkness. But that was not all I saw. I saw other dark colours, like green and red, swirling and slithering in the midst of that blackness. I shut my eyes tighter and the colours seem to not go away, but they turn stronger instead.

As I reaccounted this memory right here, right now, as I write this piece, I realise now that those were my colours. The colours of my 'aura'. I knew I had this ability before, but I didn't expect it would date all the way back then. I guess I was born with it, anyway.

Moving on, I sensed that during the fever, my body couldn't control itself and my mind was a complicated, messy array of thoughts.

Wait... I am being distracted. A sudden headache attacked my temples. I blinked it away, and it's gone. That was very peculiar. I haven't had a headache in a while.

As I was saying, I couldn't think straight. It was as if those colours blinded me in a way. I thrashed about uncontrollably and threw my blankets off everywhere. I rolled down onto my stomach and onto the cold, smooth floor. I remember having a hard time breathing.

I knew what it was like to be unstable. I am, a living example, of an unstable creature; mind and body. Now that I am a teenager, with growing, raging hormones, this unstability has affected my emotions. Just like my friends have noticed, my mood swings from one to another in just a blink of an eye. You can take one look at me and tell me that I'm happy. Take another look and say I'm angry.

It shows how unstable I am.

I can break down into tears out of the blue, I suppose. It has happened before, but usually out of the public view of people. I can stop dead in my tracks and give out a big, hearty laugh in the middle of nowhere. I can snap out of my calm trance and transform into an animalistic figure within seconds.

Why am I this way?

Because I am, and shall probably always be, unstable.

I wonder if there's anyone who could treat and cease this unstability...?

Who knows?

I went to the spa centre with my mother today.

We talked about some things and I found out that she was actually very open about me in a romantic relationship, and encouraged me to go on with him. She even invited him over to our house! She thought that he looked like a young Japanese boy, and that he's humble enough to stay loyal with me. Sigh, if only we were officially together...

I kept a calm expression as I talked to her about him, but inside, I was ecstatic as heck! My inner self was jumping up and down, twirling and running around. She agreed! And she's happy for me!

During my facial treatment, she remarked, "Before you meet him, you have to get over with this first! So that you'll look pretty in front of him."

I wanted to laugh out loud but I couldn't with a firm mask on my face.

Excited, I went back home and I watched AMP Around Asia on Channel V where it featured an Indonesian band, RAN. Their vocalist/rapper, Rayi said something that caught my attention:

"We don't know what's going to happen to us in a matter of.. seconds. So, why not go all-out?"

Exactly my thoughts! Things can change in a day, a week, a month, a year or more, but even in a matter of seconds, too.

A single decision that you decide on, in your mind, within seconds could determine a big change in your life, like getting married or breaking up with your significant other. Who knows?

A single step you take around the usual corner of the road near your house, and you could end up getting rammed by a speeding car or bump into your oldest childhood friend. Who knows?

A single word you utter while you have a conversation with your best friend could spark an argument or make that person love you even more. Who knows?

So I move fast. I rush things in my life most of the time. I want to make use of every second I have in life to do things I want to do. I want to get to my goal quickly so that I could achieve another one immediately after that. Heck, sometimes I even stack things up and multitask. I have always been rather speedy. It's like my living principle.

I've got to let him know how adamant I am about loving him.

That might change, but then again, it might not.

Who knows?

Decision

It was recess time.

My friends and I have bought our food from the canteen. Feeling desperately hungry, we had to resort to their poorly-prepared food. Lia, Mira, Natsuki and I had walked to the canteen together.

We sat at the end of the long grandstand; our usual place, where a big tree provided some cool shade for us. Natsuki sat on my right side, and we were talking, while taking occasional bites on our food.

Suddenly, as I clamped my mouth on the bread I was eating, Natsuki mumbled, "Oh, 2 o'clock. Or maybe 1 o'clock."

I wanted to look at her weirdly but out of the corner of my eyes, I saw him walking in our direction.

"Oh, 2 o'clock, definitely. He's coming to 1 and 12 soon..." I mumbled back at her, unable to hold back a grin.

He must have walked that way just to see me, but as always, we only greeted each other with a quick smile and nod. Ah, egoistic men are just shy men. After he left, I continued talking to Natsuki as though nothing happened. He should see that I'm doing quite fine without having to follow him around like an obsessed little lovestruck fan.

...And that was merely a figure of speech.

So, anyway, Sam came along and sat next to me. Natsuki and I had already run out of topics to say, so I turned to him and tried to start up a chat. Besides, a certain someone just had to come and steal her away from us, as usual, even though he wasn't supposed to, and didn't have the rights anymore. Though most of the time, Sam and I ate in silence, staring out at the vast field in front of us.

He suddenly spoke up.

"I've made my decision," he said confidently.

As he elaborated on his particular decision, I listened intently and was proud to see that he was adamant about it. I mean, it was a pretty big decision and that could change his life forever. I hope he knows what he's doing, all for his own good. I don't want him to regret his decision, because the feeling of regret really is nasty. I don't want my best friend to have to go through all that hell. I didn't discourage him.

I know that even though his mind could change the very next day, or week, or month, or year or even several years, or not at all, I just want him to know that it's good to decide on something now. It's the act or attempt of making a big decision that determines the value of a person's soul. As his best friend, I will support him all the way.

I gave him a reassuring smile.

We looked out to the field together again. His daredevil sister, Xhuang E was coming towards us. We quietly waited for her to come closer to us. The person who was talking to Natsuki was leaving, and going into her way. She gave him a -playful and harmless- glare and held her hand up to him like a gun. It was as if she was provoking him. He, obviously, had that weirded-out look on his face, avoiding her finger from poking him in the eye. She kept jerking her 'gun' at him as though he threatened her before. Which he didn't.

It was hilarious to watch. Sam and I laughed and giggled in unison.

Who misses who?

I was in a rush. And so was everyone else in my house. All my family members were there; father, mother, brother, sister, aunts, uncles, cousins...

Maybe it was Raya already. This year, we will be celebrating at my house. So, yeah.

I walked briskly to the hall room, where I passed by my cousin, who was walking just as fast and we simply ignored each other due to the amount of work at hand. I looked to my left and right, with hands akimbo and searched for anything wrong with the decorations of the house, when I was suddenly pulled down to my knees, behind a sofa, by a mysterious hand.

I was about to curse, until I saw who he really was. It was him. I almost went speechless. But I found my voice soon after and demanded what he was doing there, in my house, hiding, and pulling me down like that.

"I just wanted to see you," he answered.

What?! What the hell? No, no. That's not.. This is pure nonsense. Blasphemy!

I was in a confused state. I looked at his face, into his eyes, and searched for truth. But before I could really focus, he leaned in to me and started kissing me violently. I was shocked and struggled to resist. At that exact moment, the curtain behind us flew open and people outside my house could see us. I was barely able to break the kiss for a moment to tell him to stop, but he kept on kissing me hungrily.

No, no, no, no... There are people outside... And they could see us... Please, stop... Not here, not now...

I couldn't break away anymore. I could feel my heart pounding against my ribcage. He was hugging me closer and closer to him. His chest was pressing against mine. I could feel his heart beating wildly, too.

Just as suddenly as he started, he stopped. His lips left mine and he hung his head down. Slowly, he leaned his forehead on my shoulder and stayed completely still.

What's going on? What is he doing? Is he crying..?

I slowly placed my hand on his back and patted him with care. I hugged him back. I buried my face in his hair, taking in the familiar scent of the person I once loved. I felt a tear forming in my eye, but it held back.

I don't know how long we stayed that way but it was a very long time. Everyone else around us had disappeared. It was as if we were alone, and nothing else mattered.

Is he still longing for me..? Or is it actually I who missed him?

New York Dream

I've never actually made this clear to anyone at all before. I simply dreamt alone and kept the dream to myself. My friends and family never knew that...

I love New York.

I've always been attracted to The City That Never Sleeps.

Whenever I watched movies or TV programmes that sets in New York, I would watch very intently, and imagine myself living there myself. The Perfect Man, Enchanted, Get A Clue, CSI: NY, Maid In Manhattan...

I've always wanted to...

Live in one of those apartments they have there.

Go to places in a yellow cab and take the underground metro.

Eat their specialty subway sandwiches and hotdogs.

Take a walk at the Central Park and go ice-skating.

Say I want to go to a certain street or avenue, a few blocks away from where I am, in a New Yorker's accent.

Work as a freelance writer for the New York Times.

Walk on the streets with a long trench coat, scarf and boots on.

Sigh, it would be so wonderful if my dream could actually come true...

This time

I read. I listened. I thought. I cried.

"I love you."

I want to find the right one. I want to make sure. I want to be sure of someone. Someone that I know I want. Is he the one?

I used to be blind. Twice, before. I was blind. I was wrong. Yes, I was being the weak human I was. I thought I would learn, but love was just so tempting.

I fell down in my face again.

But someone has come to help me up again. He took my hand and pulled me up. He let me lean my head on his chest. He secured an arm around my shoulder.

I looked up into his eyes.

He looks kind and caring enough. He doesn't seem to be the kind who would cast me aside in pursuit of another, more beautiful person as if I didn't matter anymore. He doesn't have the main trait of my previous, failed lovers; pride. In fact, he is humble and modest. Sensitive and gentle with his words.

Ah, I was attracted... And now my instincts have decided to tell me to love him.

I am. I am loving him.

I will stay with him, until some unavoidable mayhem breaks us apart, which I doubt. Oh, but that's what I said last time too. I know I might be blind again, maybe even now, but I suppose that's how it's going to be. I have to keep falling in and out of love again and again until I find the right man for me.

And boy, I truly wish it would be him this time.

Old friends

Jonathan was playing the cool and quiet one, as usual. Yet, he was still secretly stirring up pranks behind our backs and caught us by surprise everytime!

Isaac the electrifying smart guy and Caleb the hot tough dude were still friendly rivals, fighting over the ever-stunningly-cute Laura. I remember how timid she is in personality, but she really is quick-tempered! Once something sets her off, she can show her true colours immediately!

Tiffany; the fashionable, creative and beautiful. She had always set her looks to dazzling mode. Though, she tends to always doze off in the middle of anything at all! For that, she was a little lost on most of our conversations together.

Finally, the witty Edward, who is kind and gentle, but always manages to thrash things about. He's the most mysterious of the group, I must say.

Oh, how I missed hanging out with you guys so much! I'm so glad we've reunited tonight! Cheers!

Ugliness in disguise

She was on her prefect duty at recess time during school today. Her post was in the cafeteria, and there was not much for her to do there. She stared off into the school field that was located next to the cafeteria. Her eyes trailed along the field's emptiness, in search of anything interesting at all. She finally stopped at a dying, wilting plant that was right in front of her the whole time.

She looked down at it. She thought it looked ugly. But the bright morning sunshine was strong. It shone even upon that ugly plant. And she had a thought.

"What is it like to shine light upon ugliness? Will that make it beautiful?"

She kept the question in her mind.

She was wearing her favourite black Rock Festival T-shirt and light grey shorts. As usual, she had brewed her delicious vanilla milk tea in her prized white Fashion Art mug. She walked outside her house, through the back door, where the verandah was. She stepped onto the freshly-cut lawn with her bare feet.

Above her head, the silver moon glowed eeriely. Big chunks of fluffy clouds covered the moon, limiting its brightness. But the wind must have been blowing strong, for the clouds were moving away rather fast.

She stood there, waiting for the clouds to clear, still holding her mug of tea in her left hand. She lifted her right hand up and moved it, shaping an imaginary sword in the air. She kept the sword afloat with a pointing finger. With a sudden jerk, she saw and felt the invisible sword shoot towards her and pierce her heart.

"Ohh..." a soft exclamation escaped her lips.

She did that because she was hurt. She was depressed. She conjured up the sword and made it fly through her because she felt like doing it. Her action matched her mood at the time. She felt like giving up. Her mind and heart was in a chaos. Her inner self was screaming in agony.

She slapped her forehead with her free hand. "I need a chance to calm down," she finally decided.

She went and grabbed a chair from the verandah. She brought it onto the grass, positioned it so that it was facing the moon up ahead. She sat on it and brought her knees to her chest. She blew in her mug to make the tea less hot and sipped on it slowly.

She stared at the beautiful moon. She stared and stared at it. It was hypnotising. She looked around the moon, too. The clouds seemed as if they formed shapes of different creatures. She thought she saw a horse, dog, dragon, fish, bird and so on. She blinked, and noticed the millions of stars. Most of them were twinkling dots of light.

"The stars are dying..." she thought depressingly.

When stars seem to be twinkling to us, they are, in fact, exploding into pieces. Their lives as stars end. We, humans, made twinkling stars sound so cute while it actually notes the end of their purpose of existance. Not only that, humans also like to call clouds fluffy. Aren't they formed by water vapour? They get heavier and fatter each moment. I don't think they are as soft and fluffy as we think. Now, humans would say the moon is beautiful and would usually compare it to a beautiful person. But as we know, the moon is actually a ball of craggy surface, with holes and pits all over it, created by falling meteors.

Are we constantly covering up ugliness and crudeness with smooth words of beauty? We are pretenders. That's what we probably are.

But you have to admit it, we shone light upon ugliness and yes, it actually made it seem beautiful.

Moments passed by without her noticing. As she pondered over this matter, she knew that thoughts of him ran through her mind, too, but she felt calmer. She found herself being able to cope with thoughts of him.

She has calmed down.

You

"Damn! Damn! Damn!"

"Missed again. I missed the chance. I missed it. I missed it."

"Are we not meant to be together? Is this a test? Is something keeping us apart?"

"I don't know! I don't know. I don't know..."

"I need to stay strong... Yes, I need strength."

So...

Thank you, for being there for me. You gave me good advice and you made me feel right about myself.

I have always been walking at a fast pace, almost as if I'm running. And now, I have tripped and fallen down. Don't worry. It's a minor injury. I can handle it. I can take it. I'll get right back up again, I can assure you that. I just... need you to stay with me. Sit with me, while I'm down. And we shall talk it out. I know you'll stay with me.. and you'll make me feel better. Thank you.

When I'm down and hurt, I realised that sometimes, I need to feel that pain. I need to feel that kind of pain, because it will help me see the truth.

While I ponder about the truth, you will be by my side, still encouraging me to go onwards. Sooner or later, I will decipher the real meaning behind the truth, stand up again, and continue walking forward.

And you are coming with me.

Curse in a blessing

Having psychic potentials... Is it a curse? Or a blessing?

It is rather wonderful to call myself unique, having these special psychic abilities. I know what people think of me and other things. I know when I'm liked, loved, disliked and hated.

When they don't like me, even when they didn't tell me or leave a seen hint, I could sense it. Thus, I feel hurt. But only on the inside. In front of them, I would still act as if I don't know what they really think of me. Like a stupid, innocent girl they think I am. Oh, but I'm not. I know, people. I know. I deal with the pain alone, by myself. I did that so that I would not stir up troubles and complications. Let them hate me... All that matters is that I'm being myself. So what if they hate me for who I am? That's their problem, right?

I have other people who appreciate my true self, so I'm fine. One day, I hope to find someone who loves me truly, for who I am. I can love a person when I love a person. I can easily adapt to anything and anyone, so I'm confident. I know what I want. That is just how I live.

I like to call myself strong, but maybe now, I'm not so sure anymore.

I'm still going to tell myself I'm strong, though. Don't fear. Do not fear for me... I can adapt. I simply need to express my inner thoughts from time to time... I'm strong, yes, but not strong enough apparently. I need to let some of these feelings out, before I completely burst into a possibly-fatal condition.

Is it wrong? I sometimes sense things that I shouldn't be sensing. I think. Why? Because it made me think twice about it. I hate that. I like to be sure of things. I want to always know what I want. I don't want to feel doubtful, if possible. That is why I was used to keeping things to myself.

I love and want to be loved. I only need loyalty from those who love me too. I may not show my appreciation sometimes.. but I do need people who love me by my side. And I do appreciate you. I probably love my people more than they think I do. I am actually grateful and thankful... but as many already know, I have this thing called ego. I am rather egoistic for a lady, I suppose. Please bear with me, if you really love me the way I love you.

You might get uncomfortable with me at times. I might have hurt your feelings at times. I probably couldn't help it. I was just being myself. I was raised this way. I can't help it. Maybe you people would start saying, "Yes, you can. You can help it." The fact is, even when I tried to help it, I found that I couldn't.

Now, I just realised that being a human, myself is like a curse in a blessing. We were given the gift of thoughts and emotions. We have minds and sanity. But if you look back, these are the things that caused complications between us.

If we were like animals, we would have lived and died. That's it. Wouldn't that be easy? You won't even know what you're missing if you were never human. That is why I wanted to become an animal so much. It's so simple.

I know I sound so deranged and delirious right now, but I'm just saying what I'm saying. I am simply recording my thoughts at random, making this entry look so messy and unorganised. With this, I realise that I might hurt someone, yet I can also touch someone's feelings. Maybe.

Ah...

We are only humans. Please understand.

They meet

He was anxiously waiting for her in front of the cinema centre at the mall. He shoved his hands in his pockets and tapped his feet on the floor.

Suddenly, he heard a shrill, feminine voice calling his name. He turned around to his left to see a teenage girl skipping towards him. Her long, dark hair bounced behind her as she skipped merrily. He could not help but chuckle at her antics. She was so bubbly and cheery, as he had always known her as. He was glad that she could make it. They had planned to meet for quite a while.

Once she had reached him, she did not stop to say even a simple hello, but she started to circle him instead. Her eyes trailed up and down as she did, with her hand on her chin and her lips puckered; her expression was as if she was looking him over. She completed a full circle around him and stopped abruptly right in front of him, and that made him flinch.

"Erkh... What are you d-" he started to say.

She still did not say anything or gave any indication that she heard him at all. She leaned her face closer to his, standing on tiptoes to reach. He began to blush and found that he could not move. Their faces were only a couple of inches away. In a sudden, her lips broke into a wide, cheeky grin and she mewed like a cat would.

"Meow~"

He realised that he had not been breathing for the last few tense seconds, and he was finally able to exhale and inhale again since she grinned from ear to ear like that. He placed a hand on his chest and sighed in relief.

"What was that for?" he bursted and laughed.

She covered her mouth with her small hands and joined him in the laughter. The other people around the mall must have been staring at them as they walked by briskly. A couple of teenagers holding their stomachs, laughing out loud in public was sure to attract lots of pairs of eyes to them.

She managed to control herself and cease her laughing soon after. She stood her ground and turned her head sideways to look at him, smiling gently. Her left hand was on her hip and held her right hand out to him, in a way a lady would want to be kissed on her hand by a true gentleman. He gladly took her hand in his and planted a soft kiss on it.

"Now, my dear gentleman, I want to say that it is indeed a pleasure to meet you," she said in a grandiloquent tone.

He giggled slightly and replied, "Of course, my lady. Quite the same goes here, as well."

Their hands were still in each other's. They had not notice it until several seconds later, where they quickly retreated in embarrassment. Awkward silence fell between them for a moment.

She shook her head. She made a decision.

"Umm... I want to say this in your face now that I'm here... I love you," she stuttered, but said the last three words with confidence.

He smiled an honest smile at her.

"I know... I love you too."

Little things in life

Have you ever thought of the little things in your life?

A few weeks ago, I went out cycling in the late afternoon, just like usual. I felt the wind in my face as I paddled on and on. I ran my fingers through my flowing hair with my left hand, steering the bicycle with only my right hand on the handle. I smiled.

I saw a young boy lying in a hammock tied to two trees in front of his house.

I saw a teenage girl turn a pipe on and lifted the water hose attached to it to the grass and trees in her garden.

I saw two little girls running around, playing with a blue ball.

A small, dirty white female dog which looked skinny enough to have been blown off by a weak wind walked pass me with a scared expression.

Three kittens; a grey, a black and a tortoiseshell, were left by a drain in a box. I sat with them for a while, letting them sniff my hand while I pitied them. Why had their owner left them there? I wished I could have brought them home but I knew I couldn't...
I sat and lied down under a special tree with a good friend next to me. I also played on the swings with him and our other friends. When they pushed me higher and higher, I noticed how blue the sky was, and how white the clouds were. I was laughing, along with them; my friends.

When it was time to return home at dusk, he walked me home, as usual. As we reached closer to my house, I realised how the colour of the sky changed each moment. I saw it. It turned darker and darker. From a light shade to a darker one every second. I never thought I could detect such minute changes.

That night, I cried over the death of a person I didn't even know personally. I had always admired her though. I thought that, maybe, I could have a chance to meet her and become someone precious to her. But I couldn't have that chance anymore. I felt a connection with her. I liked the way she thought. How she used her mind. Sigh... Rest in peace.

I watched a movie. It depicted young love. How cute young love was.

If only they would work more...

Stare

She was standing outside his class, and clearly in sight of him. She was fixing her ponytail with her back turned on him. Finished, she twirled around and saw that he was staring at her. It seemed as if he was staring at her longingly, and as if there was a hint of regret in his eyes, for letting her escape his grasp. She smiled at him, but he didn't release his gaze. After the first few seconds, she began to feel a little awkward and uncomfortable, so she looked to her side and pretended not to notice the long stare too much.


He was with his group of friends. One of his friends turned to look at her and put up a hand in greeting to her, as usual. She returned the greeting with a wave of her hand. As she approached them, his friend took the sketchbook she held in her arms and flipped it open, eager to see more of her new drawings. The others came to take a peek, too. They were all engaged in a short conversation over the drawings for a while, until only the two of them were left. Him and her. He slowly took the sketchbook from her again and looked at her drawings. He stopped at a particular drawing and seemed to ponder about it in his mind. It was a sketch of herself with three of her other male friends. Was he jealous? Was he thinking about being jealous? She couldn't have known for sure. Anyway, he soon returned the sketchbook back to her, said a quick goodbye and left for his next class. She went to hers and gave no further thoughts of him.


Her teacher was not in class. She was doodling in her sketchbook, and when she looked up from the paper, she saw that he was already in her class, talking to some of her classmates. Her classmate had a rather large book in his hands. His friends, including him, were reading it together, grinning at something in particular. She got up to see what it was all about. Apparently, they were grinning at how the writer explained his theories in a very confusing way. They were all chuckling at the irony. In all the laughter, he took the chance and came to stand next to her, still grinning from the words in the book. They talked for a bit. She found out that the thick book was his. All this time, she never knew that he read those kinds of books, or if he ever read at all! She was amazed. She had wanted to talk to him more about it, but he had to leave for Chemistry class, so he bade her another goodbye and walked out of her class. She still found the new fact about him unbelievable, and it was only until then did she start to think.

Sketch

This morning, it rained. It was cool and chilled. I went to the class next door, to hang out with my buddy, Irfan.

I was sitting in Elena's seat, next to Irfan's, and didn't realise that she had wanted to sit there. When I found out she was at the back of the class, waiting for me to leave, I quickly got up and apologised to her, offering her seat back to her.

I got up to leave, but he spoke up.

"Hey. Umm.. Why don't you take another chair and then sit here?"

I stopped in my tracks. He wanted me to stay?

I smiled at him and said that it would be too troublesome. But I stayed anyway. So I shared a seat with Irfan, and I was facing him. I was holding a piece of paper in my hand, and I placed it on his table. I proceeded to smoothen the creases on my uniform, while looking down, avoiding direct eye contact with him.

He took the piece paper, where I had written a little piece of unfinished poem. He smirked slightly when he read it and put it down again. We looked at each other a few times, for a second or two each time we did. Irfan was busy with his Maths homework.

Suddenly, he took my piece of paper again, turned it over and started sketching. I took out my own pencil and doodled on his desk. When he made a mistake, he was searching for an eraser (almost frantically, haha~) and I offered him mine. Our knuckles touched for a quick moment. I noticed that he was nervous around me.

We continued to draw in silence...

Unbelievable

Let's get straight to business. Two unbelievable things happened to me today.

1) I kissed a girl and I liked it~ Lol.

Well, technically, she kissed me first. It was almost at the end of recess time. I approached Xhuang E and sat on her lap because she told me to. We talked for a bit before she had to line up with the other girls to go to class. While I waited for the teacher to give the prefects the signal to allow the other students to disperse, she suddenly lifted me up, darling-carrying style. I told her to put me down quickly. She did, but a few moments after that, she leaned in to my face with puckered lips. I thought she was simply closing in, not going for a real kiss, just like usual, so I let her be. My mind was wandering somewhere else at the time, anyway. Catching me by surprise, she actually kissed me on my lips after all!

I was stunned for a few seconds, and boy, was I glad with the fact that no teacher saw that... I didn't seem to mind the kiss, by the way, since we kissed two more times in my class. The first of the two was to prove to Xhuang E's brother, Sam, that we did kiss for real, and the next one after that was to prove to Mira, who was surprised, disgusted and scared. They were mere pecks on the lips, not french kisses, don't worry. I ended up chasing after Lia, trying to give her a kiss too, but she feared me. Hahaha..

2) I walked back home with my ex. Omg!

School just ended, and he just got out of his class, just like me. I smiled at him, acknowledging him.

He approached me and asked, "Hey. So where are you going?"

"Oh, just home. I'm going home."

Then, he told me he wanted to call his friend and turned back. I nodded but quickly walked on ahead, rushing outside the school. I walked slower once I was at the corner of the road back to my neighbourhood. And there he was, on my left, with quick steps, too. I had wanted to ask him to fix my guitar string and tune it up for me, but I only asked him how to do it myself. I didn't want him to get too comfortable with me, I guess.

After he explained to me how to do it, I replied with a simple "Oh," and it was quiet between us for a moment.

"Did you get your answer yet?" he asked me, out of the blue.

"No, not yet. He's probably busy with university right now. I don't mind."

It was awkward when your ex-boyfriend asked about your current love life, more frequently than he should. It was as if he was hoping I'd take him in again. I pretended to adjust my earphones to look busy, as I was listening to songs on my phone at the time. We reached a split in the road. Usually, I would have to go straight to go home, and he would take the road on the right.

He asked, somewhat nervously, "Umm, so which way are you taking? The straight one or right one?"

I quickly made a decision. "Uh, I could take the right one."

Silence fell between us again. I noticed that as I tried to walk directly beside him, he slowed down to fall back behind me. I ignored it and kept on walking. He caught up with me again, this time walking next to me, but slightly further away. I broke the silence by asking him about the video our friend, Irfan had recently created.

There was a large lorry right in front of us, blocking the road, but there was a narrow path that we could take. He was forced to edge closer to me, to fit through the path together. After we passed it, he didn't move away. He was closer to me then. We continued to talk casually about some other things before finally having to split directions again.

It was actually nice that we could get back to normal like this. I sensed that he's.. confused, maybe? I knew from our past relationship that he's very fickle-minded, changing his mind all the time, never having a clear or sure answer about anything at all. But never mind, I'll let him try to do whatever he was doing, hoping he would learn one day. All I know is, I don't want anything more from him. Being friends is enough. I was relieved.

She loves him

It was a slightly cold morning. A 17-year-old girl just woke up from her dreams.

She had tan-coloured skin and her long, straight dark brown hair looked ruffled from sleeping restlessly last night. She was wearing a small black nightdress, and somehow, her comforter didn't cover her legs, so that was why she felt extra cold on that particular morning. Her legs felt numb for a bit.

When she realised she was awake, she absolutely refused to think so. She tried closing her eyes and going back to sleep again, to continue the dream she was having from where she left off just now. She hugged her pillow tightly, thinking it would help. But it didn't. Come to think of it, she tried to do the same thing in the middle of the night, a few hours ago, too. She woke up, ending her wonderful dream concerning a special someone by accident, and desperately tried to have the same dream again when she managed to lull herself back to sleep. It didn't happen.

She couldn't sleep anymore. She knew she had to get up sooner or later. She turned around to the other side of the bed to face her radio speakers. Her favourite radio station was playing one of her all-time favourite songs. She stared at the blue speakers and enjoyed the song for a while. It was 'Perfect' by Simple Plan.

Almost subconsciously, she sang along, too. She used to relate herself to that song when she was 12, by comparing herself and her mother with the persona and his father. She sang that song in her room, where she locked herself in, whenever she got into a fight with her mother, usually. Crying.

Now that she heard the song again after a long while, it made her think about her past. She spent a few more moments in silence and solitude before finally getting out of bed.

She stretched, loosening her strained muscles up. She went over to her dressing table and looked into the mirror. She picked up her hairbrush and brushed her ruffled hair back, revealing her heart-shaped face. She then walked out of her room to the sink near the bathroom. She faced a mirror again. She turned on the tap as minimally as she could, being the conservative person that she is, and splashed her face with cold water. She washed her face with soap and proceeded to brush her teeth. The lime-flavoured toothpaste left an unbelievably refreshing taste in her mouth.

Again, she went back into her room and stared at her reflection in it. She combed her hair again, as well. She smoothed her nightdress down by running her hands over it a few times. Then, she smiled a beautiful, honest smile.

She picked up Chester, her brown horse plush doll and buried her face in him. She held him in her arms tightly, as if he was alive and wanted to run away from her. She breathed in the familiar scent of the plush toy and stroked his head, continuing to brush his mane using her fingers.

With Chester still in her tight embrace, she walked to the kitchen. The maid was already up, of course, and she was doing the laundry. They simply acknowledged each other with an extremely quick glance. She ignored the maid right after that. She went over to the kitchen counter and started brewing her favourite vanilla milk tea. She simply loved the aroma and the taste even better. A tiny waft of steam swirled up from the hot drink and made her appreciate the beauty in the simplicity.

She hugged Chester in one arm and held her tea delicately with the other hand. She liked that mug. She won it in a lucky draw during last year's party of her school's prefects. It was considered a mug, but it was shaped almost like a cup. It was white in colour and had a simple design of yellow flowers, with the words 'Fashion art' written on it in curvy writings. She sipped on the tea and placed it down on the dining table.

She sat down in front of the desktop in her house and turned it on. As she waited for the computer to run properly, she continued to drink her tea, while enjoying the slight chill of the morning, the quietness in the house and the fresh light of the day.

On that morning, she opened her blog and from her account, found out that he had written about her. Or at least, written a hint about her. As expected, her heart felt like a fluttering butterfly and she felt warm inside, despite the external chill. She also let out an involuntary "Oh..." when she read what he wrote and smiled automatically. She kept stroking Chester's head and spoke to him in a low but excited voice.

"Look, Chester... He wrote this! And I think it was since my confession..."

She grinned to herself again.

She read his piece of writing over and over again, loving the way it made her feel. After the 8th time, her eyes were still trailing after the last words he wrote in his post. And then she suddenly decided to read everything. She went to his archive and read everything he wrote in his blog, from the start. She had read some of the past ones before, but now she has read all of them.

She loved the way he wrote. He was very expressive, and she knew that all the time he was writing, it was his true self writing. Not a liar. Not a phony. Not a fake. Everything he wrote was not a pretense and he expressed himself straight from the center of his beautiful soul that she learned to find herself loving.

Sometimes he wrote about the ridiculous and silly things. Sometimes he wrote about his deep feelings and emotions. Sometimes he wrote about amazing love stories. She was so interested in reading them all, she didn't stop until she was completely finished. She smiled at the sweet, meaningful words and chuckled at the irony of several phrases.

Now that she knew some more facts and truth about him, it only made her love for him grow even bigger, if that was possible. She knew that she was going to have more dreams about him. She was missing him already, but it was alright. She could wait until he was ready.

She was only glad to have let him know that she loves him.

Letting know

"He talked about me. He wrote about me. He thought about me."

"Umm.. right?"

"I wish he did. I wish he does. Even right now."

"But then again, I could be hoping too much. Maybe I'm just too much of a dreamer. He is rather busy now, you know... I shouldn't trouble him."

"What am I talking about? It's good to be bold and brave sometimes, remember? I've got to take this chance! There's nothing wrong in expressing my feelings to him! And he did say it was okay."

"But how sure am I about what he really thinks of me, deep inside?"

"I'm not. But that's the point of trying."

"At least he knows now, and that's what matters."

"Yeah... And I've got to say, being the observant person I am, that there had been hints coming from him."

"Observant? How about a stalker?"

"...Okay, maybe I do sound like a stalker, but I can't help it."

"Being in love makes someone look crazy and obsessive, but let's not make that a point, okay?"

"Agreed."

I took a deep breath. And then I realised that I still live. That's right.

I may not be able to get him for myself anymore. He may not accept me to be his, yet. My different inner selves may be arguing with each other a lot now.

But look, it's not the end.

I still have room to try. I seriously don't know who I will lose or get, but I know that I've done my part by expressing my feelings to them. I'm relieved to know that they know. I won't regret my actions; I'm sure of it. I'm very determined. No matter what the outcome is, I'll stay strong facing the truth. No matter who replies my love... or not.

P.S. Besides, it's the journey that matters, instead of the achievement. Right, (a certain someone)? ;)

Torn

He said he will never, ever betray my trust for him. He said he will love me forever and always. He said.. He said.. He knows what he said. He knows.. It must have implied some sort of importance on him. Right? I hope he still realises that importance. I cling onto him in hopes of that. That he will remember. And realise that he had not taken back his words. Then return to the way we before.. but in permanent. I hope.

A drop of tear falls.

I wanted things to go my way. I hoped that I would still be the one for him, so things would go his way, too.

But who was I kidding?

Oh, that's right.. Myself.

He was too good to be true. Too perfect for someone as imperfect as me. He's in a different world from mine. Away from me. Maybe I only managed to enter his world just for a little while... and then ended up getting kicked out of it, soon after.

Damn it.

I still couldn't accept the truth. I still dream of him sometimes. I still wished he would somehow come back. I know I still love him, somewhere deep inside me.

When I looked at his picture tonight, I cried... knowing that I couldn't have him.

And now... at the same time, I have fallen in love with another person.

How could I? Now I'm torn between the two.

What if I break one's heart again? Mine already is... Am I able to go on like this?

Yes. I said I would try. Everything happens for a reason. I can only do what I could do. Now I shall wait and see if he would accept me anyway. Even if I'm not perfect, even if I'm not fully healed, because this is who I am.

I will accept whoever wants me now... Whoever at all...

Waiting to revolve again

I keep thinking of him.

Things around me led to thoughts of him. As usual. Maybe it's just my mind. It's always according to the person in mind.

Several articles in the newspaper, certain songs that I keep hearing, some quotes from anywhere at all, a few everyday items... All these signs keep popping out in front of me by accident.

Yet.. there were also signs that showed me that we couldn't be together the way I wanted it. But of course, I didn't want to believe it. They're just stupid signs, anyway. They don't mean anything. I will believe what I want to believe. I still want to try.

I've done what I could have done.

And now...

I am waiting... to revolve again.

Courage, love, sacrifice

Tiger was a lean, short-haired pale golden tabby tom with dazzling lime-green eyes. He was a cool cat with a strong personality. I've had him since he was a kitten. He was a good pet, yet I knew he still had this wild side inside of him. I allowed him to become wild every once in a while, letting him live independently. I'm sure the other cats wouldn't believe he was a pampered pet cat at home. He was smart. He knew exactly how to live his life.

And then there was Smoke. He was a ragged dark grey-brown tom with shaggy long fur with piercing yellow eyes. He seemed to have his own clan of stray cats and was considered the leader. Those cats probably lived in the empty abandoned house right in front of mine, as they were usually seen coming in and out of that place, hidden between tall, unkempt grass.

Tiger grew up to be a healthy adult tomcat. He soon found a mate; a stunningly beautiful white she-cat with sparkling blue eyes. He sired her 3 kittens. I never got to know her truly, but I can tell that she was a gentle mother and a perfect mate for my handsome Tiger. I once saw the whole family going out together. It was very sweet...

This is the story of my cat, Tiger. A story of courage, love and sacrifice.

One day, I returned from school and went straight to the dining room. Under it, 2 cats were fighting. It was Smoke and Tiger's mate. My maid was nearby with a broom in her hands, trying to shun the shrieking cats out of the house. I just witnessed a murder. Smoke escaped soon after, leaving behind a messy white and red body, under our dining table.

Still in shock, I just stared at her. My maid took her out to bury her. Shortly after that, Tiger returned home, coming through the front door, back from his usual afternoon day out. He stopped in his tracks when he sniffed the air in the house. Immediately, he turned back and ran straight into the old house in front of ours. The lair of the wild cats.

"No! Tiger! Come back!"

I called after him repeatedly. He sped right through the tall grass and was out of sight. I was worried. I grew more and more anxious when he didn't come back home that night. And the day after. And another day passed by without him around the house.

Until that dusk, I was about to retreat into the house before it gets too dark, when I heard a weak, throaty meow from behind me.

I spun around and saw Tiger, covered in numerous serious wounds all over his face and body. Some sort of white-yellowish liquid and blood dripped all over him, too.

"Tiger!" I exclaimed in surprise, tears welling up in my eyes.

I approached him quickly and gently touched the side of his jaws. He fell down weakly and meowed slowly again, looking up at me with a relieved look in his lime-green eyes. I called my mother and maid in obvious panic.

They came and told me that coconut juice would help lessen his pain or something. I didn't remember. I was too sad, too devastated to see my favourite cat in such a pathetic state. I let them wipe away all the blood on him and apply whatever remedy they had with them, while I watched helplessly. I was young. I couldn't do anything. I could only cry. Tears flowed out of my eyes non-stop. I sobbed while I muttered his name over and over again.

Once my mother and maid were done with treating Tiger, when they thought they couldn't have done anything more, we placed him in his old cage. We didn't want him to wander off unexpectedly in that condition. Everyone went back inside the house. I lingered behind for a bit, to stare at him, wrapped in bandages, one of his eyes closed, caused by a nasty scratch. He only lied down quietly and watched me with his one good eye. I whispered his name for one last time that night, and finally went inside, to bed.

The next morning, I woke up and found out that he had already died. Again, I cried. Even more. I couldn't bear losing him at the time. I just kept on crying. Oh, the agony...

Tiger... I miss you...

But I was proud of you. No, I am proud of you. I always will be. You were so patient and strong. You didn't struggle or scream in pain when you were being treated. I know.. it must've hurt. You were very noble and brave. You avenged your mate's death by taking on the whole clan of stray cats. I believe you have defeated them for good, because I never saw Smoke or any of his subordinates again since that day.

You told a knightly story, Tiger.

My courageous cat who sacrificed himself for the sake of love.

Afraid of loss

I love him. But I like you.

Is it possible that I may love you, as well?

Like can grow to love. I think. Yeah, that's right. It can. Anything is possible. Wait.. maybe it has already grown to love? I didn't notice it, perhaps? Oh dear.

But I think you love someone else. I don't want to get in your way. Though I secretly still want you. I'm not sure how much, though.

And, about him... If he likes me, there's a chance he'll love me, too, right? I want him.

Or you. I want you, as well. You can be precious to me, I believe.

This is confusing. Frustrating? Maybe. But I don't want to admit that I'm frustrated over you two. I just... want an answer. But to get that, I need to make sure you know. Do you know? I'm not sure yet. Maybe you know, but you didn't think it was this serious. It is, actually. I still need to tell you, though.

Ohh... Should I? I'm scared. I may be taking things too fast again. I should be more patient...

But what if I turn too patient, and wait too long, and then, by the time I am ready to tell you, you have already tied a knot with someone else? And what if I try I turn to him for comfort, I find out that he has moved on with someone else too? What if I don't find love again? Am I able to strive in solitude?

No, I don't want to... That's why I'm holding on to him. And maybe that's why I still want you. Because I'm afraid to lose. Maybe I have never actually admitted this, thanks to my egoistical personality, but I am afraid of losing. Yes, I am.

I still want both of you, you know...

Damn myself... for falling in love.. again.

Nina Gay

Yesterday, he kept looking my way. He stared and stared at me.

All my friends noticed it, too.

Joel and I were talking, and I knew from his aura, that he was slightly nervous about something. I knew a certain someone was watching from afar. Joel suddenly said, "Athira, he keeps staring at us. Do you know that?" I immediately turned to look his way, and found out that he was looking at that exact moment, so our eyes must have met. I retreated behind a door. Darn it, Joel. I thought you meant that he 'was looking at us', not 'is looking at us'! Anyway, I also found out from Joel that everytime we talk and then I leave, he would come and start poking poor little Joel in the belly, at the same time repeating "Hi" over and over again and/or asking about me and/or talking about random stuff, like songs. That freaked Joel out... a lot.

In class, I sat in between my 2 best girl friends; Mira on my left and Natsuki on my right. Our Chemistry teacher wasn't in, so Natsuki and I were discussing about her new story idea. Mira was doing her work. He came into our class and I pretended not to notice. Mira suddenly pushed a piece of paper to me, and it wrote 'Ning2 is behind you. Don't look.'. Natsuki leaned towards me to read it, too. I looked at Mira and said, "I know. Just let him be," while I shook my head slightly.

Lia, who sits right in front of me, saw that the 3 of us had our heads down together, and whispering. She groaned, "Hey~ What're you guys talking about? Are you talking about me?" Mira, Natsuki and I laughed. Right then, Natsuki whispered in my ear, "Lia has.. a big ass..."

We laughed out loud, stressing Lia out. Then, Mira, still laughing, showed the piece of note from before to Lia. She had trouble reading it upside down and this was what she read it as, "Ni.. na.. Gay? What's this? What the hell? Who's Nina and is the person gay?!"

Again, the 3 of us laughed as hard as we could. We held back our laughs and quietly said, "Not Nina gay, you idiot! Ning-ning!" She still didn't understand it, so she replied, out loud, "Huh? Ning-ning? Who's that?" We were shocked and quickly told her to hush down! He was still right behind us! We don't know if he heard... but I'm sure he heard and saw how crazy we were, laughing out loud. Hahaha...

Recess was almost over, and I was already on my way back to class. I saw him coming, so I swerved a little bit to the left. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that he wanted to go to his left, but then he stopped for second and took a right turn, just so that we would cross paths, which we did. We only smiled at each other and said a quick "Hey" as we walked by. I walked on ahead with an amazed look. He did that on purpose.

Back at the class, I was sitting around in front, with Sam. It was time for all the students to return to class from recess. I noticed his classmates passing by our class, so I'm sure he must be somewhere behind. And there he was. He stared at me again, and our eyes met. But this time, he didn't avert his gaze immediately, just like usual. This time, he kept his gaze on me, letting me know exactly that he was staring, until he was out of my view. That was weird. I went to my seat and fell back with a sigh.

What the hell is he trying to do? Is he making sure that I know he wants me back, yet he's still attempting to cover it up? His ego is too high. I know he won't truly admit it unless I ask him. But no, I want to see how long he can keep this up. I want to see how far he would go, if he really is... as we say, 'honest'.

P.S. To all my friends who know exactly who I'm talking about, don't worry. I'm not falling in love with him anymore. I'm just very, very amazed with the show he's putting up. Besides, you know who I'm in love with.