Keeper of Secrets

It's amazing how snugly I've fit in to the place I now call home. Going there every day is a basket of joy, because I get to spend time with my people. Never have I met such a congregation of... whatever I am. We match like socks and it's just too amazing for me. I've never fit in so well anywhere else before, much less liked. It's a delight, really, but it also comes off as a shock, haha.

It's okay, though. I'm transitioning just fine.

Giggles and fun are mostly part of the daily routine, but there are also the burden and mystery of secrets. Apparently, I've established myself trustworthy enough to receive secrets from... well, several people! Even from those I never even expected to receive secrets and trust from, especially in a relatively short amount of time. It means we just click so well. Or because they're all rash in making decisions like me. Or arrogant/overconfident (although there were some who went over the top, but I've nipped that one in the bud).

For the people who are in my circle of friends, we just seem to have that same way of thinking and parring level of intelligence that made us so comfortable with each other.

Since my recent improvement, yes, I have discovered that I have a knack for being there, everywhere. Therefore, again, I have become a middleman which access to various sides of the story. A confidante. A mouse who chisels her way through the cracks. A keeper of secrets.

The Broken Wall

It's going to fall on me.

It's going to fall on my head, while I'm asleep, and I'm going to die.

I wouldn't see it coming, but it's going to fall on me.

Blood would seep out of my physical body, draining me, rendering me thoughtless.

I can see the cracks ever growing on the walls.

They will continue to form until they are complete, and it's going to fall on me.

It would hurt my head, and I would be rendered thoughtless.

I can't think anymore.

I can't.

The Stronghearted

Always remember that the crowd that applauds your coronation is the same crowd that will applaud your beheading. People like a show. - Terry Pratchett.

People flock from one show to the next as fleetingly as seasons come and go. But there had been certain individuals who stayed to watch the show and applaud it, however unlike the other people in the crowd, who have long gone. These individuals stayed because they wanted to. They liked it. They felt a kinship for this particular show.

Here, a congregation of the strong hearts, for they were once wounded and have fallen with their faces planted on the muddy ground, but got up again.

They understood this.

They understand.

And they vow not to be a 'people', but a 'person'.

Family of Dogs

You said it yourself.

"It's a dog-eat-dog world. Deal with it."

Oh yeah?

Well, I'm not a harmless little puppy anymore.

I'm a big, mean bitch trained to bite back.

Even you.

Deal with that.

Flowery Death

I smiled at him when he first stepped in.
It was an invitation for him to sit next to me.
He smelled nice, like flowers.
It was a nice Friday night to go out.
But he was alone.

As the bus moved,
I worked out a way to start a conversation,
but I couldn't find the right words,
so I stayed silent until we reached the train station,
where we missed the first train,
and had to wait for the second one.

I asked where he was going,
and he replied,
"Just going out for a drink or two,
then, straight back home,"
I nodded. I understood.
But he was alone.

The figure that followed behind him,
from the bus,
It was waiting.

He smelled nice.
He smelled a flowery death.

He was not alone.

Mistaken

Why? Why do you have to lash out at me for trying to do something good? Why am I always being seen as the bad guy when all I wanted was to do good? Do you really want me to go rogue? Would you really like it better if I really did become the villain? Is that what you want?

What the fuck do you want from me?!

They who created me

"Damn it! Deal with it! Learn how to like it!" he shouted as he pounded on the dining table. "It disgusts me to see you disliking this and that. Be a Malay, will you?" I stared at the nasi lemak in front of me; a meal I don't even like.

It's not my fault I don't like it. I don't like it, so I don't like it. What the hell do you want me to do? Why don't you like pizza or pasta? They're all foods. It doesn't matter which culture made it. I never denied my Malay heritage, even though I don't eat 'Malay foods'. Heck, I keep boasting that I'm Malay. I am damn proud of it, but how would you know what my thoughts are? We don't talk. You don't know me. You say you do, but you don't.

After all my 20 years of existence, you still don't know what I like and dislike? It goes to show how much we actually take time to communicate with each other. Same goes to your wife, who keeps serving me foods I don't like, more than those I actually like. Speaking of her...

"What do you want to do next? Do you want to marry?" she asked in a kind voice. I almost broke out into a grin to say, "Yes, I want to wait for him," but she cut me off. "I'll find you a nice, rich, non-criminal man for you to marry." She said all this while stroking my head gently, like it's a good thing. How could she? "He's not a criminal," I muttered, as she left.

Swans (Life After Death)

Swans, swans,
Swans sing songs,
All night long,
Who knew how warm the islands were,

While the frogs look on,
It's what the birds prefer,
And it's still warm after the sun has gone,

I woke up thirsty the day I died,
And the tide was swirling,
My mouth is so dry,
And all I see is sea to shining seas,

Swans, swans,
Swans sing songs,
All night long,
Who knew how warm the islands would be,

And who knew just how much,
The sky covers me,
It makes you forget what it means to be free ,

I climbed into the blowhole,
In the ribs I found you,
With a wick, we lit a flame,
Now look at the smoke that it blew,

The mouth is so wide,
Yet all I see is sea,
And azure sky,
A little wave and ebb tide,

Rivers leak,
Salt seeps in,
Heals wounds,
Winds pry apart,

Swans, swans,
Swans sung songs,
Till the morning dawned on us,
And the sun-smudged peach moon still hung loose ,

Bones, bones,
Bones groan,
The sparrows in the trees we leave them for,
They love the marrow,

I'm thankful for my life,
I'm thankful for my life.

- Islands

Conditioned Consumption

Conditioned consumption without question,
So far removed from nature's laws,
It seems we've lost direction,
We indulge ourselves with poisons,
Desecrate ourselves with toxins,
And laugh in the face of death for the sake of convenience,
We reject the essentials, just consume what we like,
Refined processed contaminants which we've been fed all our lives,
Excessive packaging waste prepackaged for land fill,
We pollute our bodies, we destroy the earth,
Contamination of a sacred temple,
We defile ourselves and we wonder why,
We are they way we are the way we are,
Crash course for self destruction,
We remove all traces of nutrients that protect us from disease.

- Mr Zaki,
  Life drawing artist/lecturer

John Wayne Gacy, Jr.

His father was a drinker,
And his mother cried in bed,
Folding John Wayne's t-shirts,
When the swingset hit his head,
The neighbors, they adored him,
For his humor and his conversation,
Look underneath the house there,
Find the few living things, rotting fast, in their sleep,
Oh, the dead,

Twenty-seven people,
Even more, they were boys,
With their cars, summer jobs,
Oh my God,

Are you one of them?

He dressed up like a clown for them,
With his face paint white and red,
And on his best behavior,
In a dark room on the bed,
He kissed them all,
He'd kill ten thousand people,
With a sleight of his hand,
Running far, running fast to the dead,
He took off all their clothes for them,
He put a cloth on their lips,
Quiet hands, quiet kiss on the mouth,

And in my best behavior,
I am really just like him,
Look beneath the floor boards,
For the secrets I have hid.

- Sufjan Stevens

A Journalist Falls in Love with Deathrow Inmate

I was writing his story,
And he gave me a look,
He was very handsome, distractingly so,
and I never dreamed that he'd be my boyfriend,
He wrote me letters, daily from prison,
That said I know I've killed a few,
But none of those women were you,
I couldn't speak,
It was over for me,
I found my grim reaper prince,

Well, he said he loved me,
And he cooked me dinner,
He cut my lungs out,
And made me feel thinner,
And I'll never forget him,
Now that it's over,
The life that we had,
When they strapped him down,
Oh, but how all the girls were jealous,
Cause he liked me the best,
Oh, and I couldn't breathe,
It was true love indeed,
But now my grim prince is gone,

Well I said I loved him,
When they strapped him in,
But he wasn't cryin',
He took it like a man, 
And the families watched him,
As he breathed his last,
But I got rather angry,
I started to laugh,
And say now he's got what's comin',
He was due his lot,
Oh, and I couldn't see, there were tears on my cheek,
Goodbye, my grim reaper prince,
Goodbye, my grim reaper prince,
Goodbye, goodbye,
I'll see you in a while,
Goodbye,
Farewell,
Good luck.

- Margot & the Nuclear So and So's

Sigh

"I just wanna know how he's doing..."

"...You could just ask him."

"He could just tell me!"

Two things

There are two things that keeps running through my mind on an endless marathon.

All I ever think about is my boyfriend, and food.

I am lonely, and I am hungry.

People

Here I am, in my dark-but-lit, cold-but-warm room, thinking about yesterday's event. There was a short circuit in our house and we had to face a blackout. Shaby suggested going downstairs to the study room to charge our laptop batteries, but I was reluctant. When asked why, I said, "Because there are people downstairs." She made a good point about it being a Sunday afternoon though, so there won't be anyone, so we went down, glad that she's there to accompany me, at least. I can only tolerate the certain people I have allowed into my special circle, anyway, and she is definitely in it.

There was only one other guy in the study room. The ceiling fan above us did not work, while the fan across from us creaked terribly like it was begging for us to end its life. A dragonfly appeared when I was drawing Omar's Flygon ANON character. It shocked me, so I shooed it away with my words, and it did go away. Tari showed me and Shaby some cat-dog videos and pictures, which cheered me up for a while.

Shaby and I went to buy dinner out front, and I kept complaining about having to eat in the plaza; the public. I hate people. I just don't like being seen in public... sometimes.

Since our house was still dark when we got back, and we lost all the drive to do anything, I suggested that we go sit by the pool and talk. We were doing just fine until a couple of African guys approached us and talked to us. We played it cold and gave fake names. Shaby was awesome at deterring them with her glare, which that one guy described as 'a grenade'. I can't believe they dared to ask us if we're in the mood for dark chocolate...

Despicable. Abhorring. Deplorable.

It's these kinds of feelings that make me not want to put myself out there in the public world. I have to constantly have my earphones on to avoid having to talk to people when I'm walking or waiting somewhere. I have to have my shoulders tensed up like a spring each time I'm out in the open with other people, just in case I have to strike back physically. I have to be rude and think of a solid alias to use when strange men give off that unsettling aura as they talk to me.

It's limiting me down... from trying to live and be happy. I hate it.

I hate people.

The Cub and the Foal

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't rest.

I saw the Cub and the Foal, crying, as if for their mother, from across a large chasm.

We were separated. I thought of leaving them there, but their desire to be together was too strong. I was pulled towards them.

We embraced. Tightly. They stayed for the company, never letting go. They stayed with me as they grew up. We grew up. We grew up together. We always have been.

They promised; They vowed to be better. We worked out a plan to better our home, together. We kept seeing the Eagle, (the Ferret was with her, longing to join us) but we pulled our eyes away from her. We had to keep her out of our home. (Not that she was trying to intrude or anything, we just feel defensive.)

At least for now.

Heatwave - Glowbug

I used to run with the idiots,
I cut my teeth in one resentful tribe,
When something dark lightens up again,
I won't lie; it feels alright,

Who wants a life on a moving train?
The never-ending mountains crawling by,
Pretending I can't see anything,
No heart, no eyes,

Heatwave, heatwave,

Someone will ask, "Now where have you been?"
And in the silence, they might crack a smile,
Well, we all know that you're talented,
But you're dead, and I'm alive,

Heatwave, heatwave.

Beauty Saturday

I was supposed to wake up in the morning and go with Shaby to KL, but I felt like staying in bed and kept dreaming. When I woke up to the cleaners doing their job, I decided that I should just relax and pamper myself today. I declared today Beauty Saturday. Facial masks, lotions and toners, hair care and condition... all that stuff.

I ended up wetting my face with tears today, though.

No apparent reason.

...Well, perhaps just... out of loneliness.

All those tears had better be good to my skin!

Cooking the weekend away

I had a good weekend at my parents' house. I kidnapped Shaby along with me since we both had been sick and tired of living on little food, although that's part of our diet. My brother picked us up (after ending up lost somewhere, as expected) and we wasted no time going to Tesco and the bakery store to buy groceries for our cooking needs.

Day 1: Chicken cordon bleu paired with creamy mushroom sauce and buttered spinach.
Day 2: Roasted garlic parmesan spaghetti and quiche.
Day 3: Sweet sour fish fritters with onions and carrots.

I feel so satisfied and accomplished, since everyone liked the dishes so much. My mother even invited my aunts, uncle and cousins over and declared that she'll be retiring from the role of the cook of the house. When Moksu Shidah's family arrived, I jumped for joy, in my apron and all, since I haven't seen them in a while. They were all dressed formally and I asked them if they really thought I was having a kenduri. They fooled me, joking with me, saying they thought Omar was coming to propose to me already, haha. Uncle Nashar spouted some random, generic Mexican names, having a go at guessing his name, lololol. There was Juan, Monte Carlos and whatnot. I don't even- XD

We went to Jusco that night, to shop for clothes and then drove all the way over to Subang to drop Mokde and Azli off. We had dinner at this restaurant called Te Amo, which pleased me that it was Mexican/Spanish for I love you, ahaha. Omar uses it on me, so I'd know better. |D

Now I find myself casually reminiscing our romantic times with my friend, Minori and not getting too worked up about it. I guess I've finally realized to just leave him alone to work, and he'll come around when he has time. Also, I keep searching for recipes I could use, for cooking practice. I even gave Vanessa a random curry laksa recipe yesterday, lol. Now I feel like learning how to make laksa from Mama. Apparently there's also laksa Johor, but I wanna try laksa Penang first. :P

I finally broke down

It has always been about the revolving wheel. The ups and downs. It's like riding the merry-go-round that won't stop. The name of that contraption is also very misleading. It's not always certain you'll be merry the whole time, throughout the whole ride. It should be called the merry-and-despair-go-round.

Whenever something good happens, it only means something bad is going to happen soon afterwards. Or you can look at it the other way around. Whenever something bad happens, keep your chin up. It means something good will happen next. It's all a matter of how you see it. You know. Whether the glass is half empty, or half full.

The enemies always seem to know when you're at your most vulnerable state. And they try to take that opportunity to break you. But you know what? You're not going to let them. You've gotten this far; you're strong. You're strong enough to push through this. Ignore it, subdue it or whatever. You can.

Today might not be mine to take, but maybe tomorrow will. You never know. It sucks not being able to know. When you're left in the dark, there's fear... but there's also hope.

So many names of people in this post

I woke up on my own at 7:30am today. I had breakfast of a couple of oatmeal cookies and milk, and even fed the cats with some dried fish. I got ready in under 30 minutes, going with a pink theme today, wearing the new boots I bought the other night.

I arrived to class early or at least right on time, to show Mr Erwin that I can do it this time. I can do it. I managed to produce some ideas in class and showed Mr  Mas Irwan and Mr Erwin my most recent idea. I guess I'd say it's finalized and locked in.

I wasn't sure whether I should go and wait for the bus back home for lunch yet or not, so I went and hung out with the guys from class. They were... getting really gay at one point; staring and pointing their fingers directly at each other's... uh... uh.... nipples. I was the one feeling disturbed and affected, covering my own chest with my arms as they simply 'pinched' and 'squeezed', omg. They all laughed and said, "Psychological effects~" When they were going around the table, taking turns trying to make each other uncomfortable, I realized that it was going to end up to me eventually, and I said, "Don't you fucking dare." lol

A-anyway, I had a lunch of chicken rice with soup and some of Haziq's fries. Acap and Aleh went back earlier, Haziq was catching up with an old school friend, and Fiq told me about how good it feels when you get to fight with your lover. It's just- It means you two are comfortable enough with each other to have a fight. And you get to learn which topic is sensitive and untouchable, and you learn their bad habits and so on.

We moved from the plaza to the library, although I kind of wish I had stayed to listen to the band that was setting up their instruments on the stage. In the air-conditioned library, we met Ken and Zuner. While Ken went off to find Mr SMK for consultation, Fiq played Subway Surfers on Zuner's phone, causing Haziq to turn into a squealing number one fan and cheerleader, watching his friend play the game, lololol. I later asked Zuner to teach me how to play poker, haha.

After another failed attempt to get my book vouchers, it turns out that it was okay for me not to attend the afternoon class, since I have to reason to consult Mr SMK or Mr Irman, really. I did find out from Mr Puja that I can find Mr Jenting from the faculty, if I ever need help with the ToonBoom program, which Ken and Zuner suggested I try. They were so worried over my frame-by-frame animation, how thoughtful of them, haha. Also, for some reason, they taught me the evolution of the Chinese language, concluding that Malaysian Chinese is the most colourful, haha.

I met Iqa and Bond on the way back, who invited me into their future little personal  production team, and said that I could handle the design and animation department, ohoho~ I am so in.

Nice day in KL

I was feeling good in the morning's air, walking in the capital city, so I kept my head held high, with a small smile on my face. Some strangers smiled and nodded back, and that felt nice. Especially that one valet guy who politely asked how I was doing. Flattering indeed.

I was wearing the brown outfit I bought from Times Square, plus the feather earrings Shaby and Tari told me to buy. Mama told me to wear it. It seems she really likes the look. She usually disagrees with my choice of fashion. And she's so supportive about Omar too. Ever since I told her about him, she kept bugging me about going out to have Mexican food, so that's why I'm in KL. One of the cooks at the Mexican place even looked a bit like him, haha. It's the eyes and the nose. I told Shaby that, and she accused me of "enjoying the view", but woman, please- My boyfriend is waaay more handsome than that! XD

So yeah, Tari and I spent the day laughing together. Laughter is the best medicine, after all. We planned to nap later in the afternoon, but ended up laughing at more goats, lololol.

It's always nice to be in someone else's home every once in a while, where you'll be treated like family. I would escape to Natsuki's or Ayin's or Tari's house when I'm feeling down. It's simply... nice. C:

A realistic dream

My dream this morning was rather vivid. Probably for the first time, the place setting of the dream was definite from the beginning until the end. It was my old primary school.

So, from there, unresolved feelings of anxiety and depression were represented. Going through a spiritual learning experience is right, indeed. I'm learning and growing so much from so many experiences in life, and it's rather refreshing.

Meeting him in the dream, it was like making a direct contact with his soul. He reacted as though he would if we were dating in real life. I deduced that he was simply too stressed and tired to deal with anything else, so I should work on lifting his spirits up, or leaving him to calm down.

The Reply

I've been trying to keep a clear mind about this. But I can't.

I'm trying to work out a solution or even just think about what I should say. But every time I feel like I'm on the verge of grasping it, something blocks me out.

I probably need a few days off, like before. But I can probably only get that in at least 4 more days or so. Looks like I'll need to toughen this one out.

Dammit, this is going to be difficult.

What can I say to make him feel better? I keep hurting him, what the hell. I thought I was the one usually getting hurt in relationships? Since when did I- I really have changed a lot. Getting addicted to coffee, beginning to tolerate spicy foods, admitting my love for my family... Natsuki's right. She's freaked by my transformation, though I only see it as me, evolving, I suppose. I grew up, that's what happened. Yeah.

But still, I'm growing up so much I'm acting like a nagging wife? Not cool, man.

INFJ - The Protector

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.

http://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ.html

Castle in the Air

I escaped to my personal refugee that situates atop my own house. I climbed up the rooftop without much regard for anything else. I could almost feel the sad frustration spilling out with each clasp on the individual roof shingles, as if I could leave the feeling there and never see them ever again. A piece of loose cement stone rolled off downwards, and I could hear my heart wishing to fall down along with it. I sighed and leaned my head back on the rough surface, facing up towards the blue-black sky. I could see the night lights drowning out most of the twinkling stars, but all these lights were just blurry auras of white and orange to me. It could be the lack of my correction glasses causing it, but perhaps they were amplified due to the welling tears in my eyes.

How I desperately wished he was lying there, next to me, with our hands clasped together and fingers intertwined. I always had thought of taking him up to the roof when he ever does visit. We would scour the small town of Bukit Sentosa from above and I would point out what we could see from up there. He would listen to my endless babbles and stare at my face as I talked, with a dreamy look on his. Then, I would take him on a stroll around the neighbourhood, where I grew up, and tell him all the silly little memories I have in this lane and that. And if we bump into anyone I know, I would proudly introduce him as my eternal lover, and they would wish us well.

But oh, alas! I could only ever dream up these thoughts in my head for now. Every day and night I think about him, and wonder what runs through his mind. Is it me? What kind of thoughts are they? As he works ever-so responsibly, does he dream about meeting me at the end of the day, as well? I am unsatisfied having these questions unanswered, but I suppose... I would have to make do.

Even if that means sobbing about it.

Faizal Tahir - Bencinta

Benarkan ku untuk berbicara,
Bicara terus ke hati mu, hati mu...
Hati yang penuh rasa ragu,
Jangan terus pergi,
Tanpa mendengar ku,
Mungkin mudah,
Untuk kau terus berlalu,
Nanti dulu,
Berikanlah waktu,
Untuk aku; untuk kamu.

[Chorus 1]
Ingatkah lagi waktu kau bersama ku?
Kaku aku melihat mu,
Lidah kelu sedangkan aku,
Mahu kau tahu,
Aku cinta pada mu,
Benci pada mu,
Cinta pada mu.

Ke tepi lihat ku berlalu,
Pasti itu yang terbaik untuk ku,
Tiada lagi mahu ku tahu,
Tentang hidup kamu,
Tentang mati kamu,
Aku tahu,
Engkau tahu apa yang mata ku tahu,
Apa yang kau tunggu?
Mahu aku buka pintu?

[Chorus 2]
Ingatkah lagi waktu kau bersama ku?
Kaku aku melihat mu,
Sedang aku mahu kau tahu,
Dengar kata ku,
Aku cinta padamu,
Benci pada mu,
Cinta pada mu.

Sakitnya aku,
Membenci kamu,
Sakit lagi mencintai mu,
Dan aku pergi,
Tapi kembali,
Benci aku mencintai diri mu,

Ku benci kamu...
Ku cinta kamu...

[Chorus 2]
[Chorus 1]

Ingatkah lagi waktu kau bersama ku?
Dengar kata ku,
Aku cinta pada mu,
Aku benci pada mu,
Aku cinta! Aku benci!

Time Off

So I arrived at my cousin's place today, sometime around lunch. I must admit, I was a little worried I'd have forgotten the way to his place, but as I navigated smoothly without problems, I scoffed at myself and said I'd never get lost going there. I've been frequenting that house for as long as I can remember. Since birth, in fact. I remember the views and scenes I keep seeing out the window from when I was small, and that really helped.

When I got there, my cousins were either still asleep or just waking up. Boy, it sure was a sight to see Zeera, my little cousin, all sprawled out on her parents' bed in an undignified way, lol. I woke her up by purposely speaking, as to let her hear my voice and know that I've arrived. We sat down in the living room with my aunt, Moksu Shidah, who told us that she fell down the stairs that morning. I said, "And you just decided to tell us now?" She replied, "Wellll, the kids were all still sleeping and Uncle Nashar's at work!" Luckily she didn't hit her head or something, though she did get all these red marks on her legs, and I think one is a bit swollen. It was cute how she called her husband that morning though, and was all like, sobbing and, "Honey, are you busy? Did you know I fell down the stairs? TwT"

Ayin finally woke up when I was just showing Zeera and Jeeha some cat videos, short films, and my Pocket-Hearts character, Calenthe. Haha, I complained to them how my sister said she was ugly simply because she has short hair. They called her 'hairist' like you'd call someone a racist. And omigosh, we started talking about how my sister's such a drama queen! I'm surprised she posted a picture of herself (that she also took herself) crying on Facebook, but then again, that's just like her. That's one of the reasons why I escaped to my cousin's house anyway. I don't like being at home, sometimes. We're all too different, and we don't really... click. But here... everyone thinks like me, and we have the same taste and everything. Plus, I can be all cheerful and snuggly with all of them, unlike with my own immediate family. I really like hugs, no matter how awkward I may be at it. |'D

We had croquettes for lunch, and my cousins and Moksu Shidah were discussing about the texture and taste of the croquettes. I observed intently because this family really loves food and cooking. I hope they'd rub off on me so I could be on par with my chef boyfriend, heh. We baked a butter cake and made some pudding/custard. My aunt and I had a debate about what it was, lol. I called it pudding, but she was adamant it was custard. I'm pretty sure I know custard was something else because I've made them before (and won a cooking contest, yeah). =w=

During dessert, Zeera kept making us laugh by choking on her own spit and then spilling her dessert by accident (she claimed her sister pushed her hard, but I doubt it, lol). Then she ran out of milk and went to kitchen to get some more, but passed by the jug and said that she couldn't find it. Moksu Shidah winked at me and said that it was all out. I caught on and played along, as did everyone else. She got so disappointed, and then mad at Jeeha because she said she was the one who finished them all. The chubby little 10-year-old had her 17-year-old sister pinned to the floor, gosh. XD I finally had to intervene and dragged Zeera to the kitchen to show her where the damn jug was, geez (but not before trolling her several times, of course, heheh).

Ayin was always on his PSP, playing Monster Hunter, so he's mostly to himself, and Uncle Nashar was having a fever, so he turned in early. Us, the ladies watched a movie to wait 'til midnight for the coming of a New Year. But when the time came, all we heard were fireworks and we stayed inside. We'd usually be outside, playing with some fireworks, or at least watching others'. It was just another day to us, now. Zeera, however, being the cute little kid that she is, went upstairs to wish her parents a Happy New Year, and then asked me if I needed to call my family to wish them too. I was just like, "Nahhh, pssh-" though I appreciated her sentiment. Gosh, I love this kid. I wish she was my sister. I was hugging her during the movie and she said, "Um, why are you hugging me?" in just the cutest fucking voice, and I said, "Because I love you. I wish my daughter would be as cool as you." :3

Oh yeah, I also let her play with my Bamboo Dock apps when she (cutely) asked. It was amusing, seeing her play this doctor game, which she describes as 'scary', because she keeps ending up killing her patients. She played other games too, and when she keeps screwing up, I only gently told her it was okay, but Ayin said, "Don't encourage her..." since that's his way of 'training' her. (He does this when she plays other games too, like Persona, Kingdom Hearts, Monster Hunter, etc... yeah, she and her siblings are that cool. B'D) So I changed course and said bluntly, "...Okay. Zeera, you suck." And then she replied with a dejected, sighing voice, "I know..." We lol-ed. XD