Al-Mahmor Family Day - Part II

I woke up to the annoying screeches of laughter from the old aunts in the kitchen, since our room was right next to it. I overheard them talking about us, the kids, and something about 2 o'clock and I just thought, "SHIT. It's 2pm already?!" I woke up in a rush and opened the door all groggy-like and was just damn worried and regretful that I have missed the morning activities. I was feeling sore all over from yesterday's workout, so I went to perform my daily exercises to loosen up and get my muscles going. I went inside the house again and asked Mama for the time, and she told me to check for myself at the living room. 8am. Are you fucking kidding me? I bloody thought it was afternoon. =__=

I couldn't have gone back to sleep after feeling fresh already, so I had some breakfast, enjoying Pak Long's stories, as usual. He's such an amusing talker, and so wise! *w* Afterwards, Abang In and Kak Eja invited us to go jungle-trekking, and I jumped right to it. I wanted to wait for Jeeha, as she wanted to follow, but everyone else wanted to leave before it gets too hot already. Abang Hafiz was the last to join our group and I hoped that Aunty Lim saw that we went uphill so that she could tell anyone late to join us there. The trail was simple at first, then we came to a split. Abang In said to go straight, instead of right, so we did. That's when the trail starts to get smaller and more slippery and steep. It was a hassle because the kids and my 51-year-old father were with us. Sigh. At least Zeera was a good sport, so I could handle taking responsibility of her. In the end, once we had reached higher grounds (where a huge swarm of mosquitoes went crazy), Adrin was already sobbing and my dad was complaining of feeling faint. Sigh, must both of them be from my immediate family? It's kind of embarrassing... >__>

Luckily, nothing serious happened, and I brought my mosquito-repellent lotion. On the way back down, we met up with Ayin and Jeeha, who said that we passed by the correct trail. Pffft- we should've taken the right turn from the start. So, we found the nice river spot with these little waterfalls and pools and took a breather there. I guess I should've stayed behind with Ayin and Jeeha as the others made their way back to the house. That was the only thing I regretted. Argh, why did I not stay and bathe with them?! T__T

Back home, I took another shower and then followed Wawa and Diha to the fish pond, as she said that she's aiming to get the big fish today. She received some tips from her boyfriend, Nicholas, and wanted to test it out. Diha and I were chatting and she kept shushing us down, lol, so we went to the games room. Jeeha and Diha went to play badminton at the badminton court, while Ayin and I played ping pong again. We had a good conversation going, and we even talked about how Abang Hafiz seems to be... uh, well, trying to show off his manliness now. He showed off to everyone how he could lift the dumbbells in his room last night (though he just held them, not like he actually lifted them), and he was playing badminton with his shirt off today (not an impressive sight, and he played like he was Goofy). Lol, even the way he plays ping pong is hilarious. But as Ayin and I said to each other last night before we helped him find his last clue in treasure-hunting, we pitied him and didn't laugh at him outright. We just gave each other these knowing glances. =w=

Well, done with that, we went for lunch and I listened to the uncles talk. Pak Long showed us some magic tricks and told us more interesting stories, including sightings of ghosts around the bungalow we were staying at. Haha, but ya know, even after knowing that, I'm not scared. I feel extremely safe from the supernatural around the area, and I can usually sense them. I guess this only means they're the docile ones and not harmful to us at all. He said something about seeing a huge cat/tiger-like creature lying around in the courtyard and a bright face as big as a wide-arm's length behind his bedroom. Turns out Wawa saw the exact same apparition last night, too. All too interesting, but alas, I was getting sleepy, and my whole body was extremely sore, so I retreated back to my room. I thought I'd draw a bit and just lie down, because I was afraid that if I slept, I wouldn't have been able to get up and miss the afternoon activities! As I said, I really hate getting left behind.

However, it seems like no one was doing anything then, and Jeeha was going for a nap too, so I did, as well. When I woke, she was not beside me, and I thought that I might've slept longer than I should again but I found out that even my cousins aren't awake from their naps too. When Abang In announced that the badminton matches were starting, I panicked a bit because one; I was still sore and tired, so I wouldn't be at my best performance, and two; my partner was still asleep! Once he woke, it turns out he was still tired and lazy to play too, so I didn't feel like I was letting him down. I was the one who offered to put our names on the roster as a team last night, after all. Since that was the case, I told him that I was going to go walk around and take some pictures since I haven't done that yet. I finally came to the badminton court just in time to see my brother and father against two of the Ruls; Amirul and Khairul. It was a fiery match, but my dad was just too old for this shit. =A=

Seeing them play actually got me feeling excited, and Ayin was coincidentally there next to me, too, so I looked at him and asked if he wanted to play now. He still seems reluctant, but we both ended up on the court anyway. We just thought that we should at least move around a bit and that we don't even have to play seriously. They put us up against only Azli and Jeeha, anyway; the smallest fry next to Rin and Zeera. The two of us didn't even know the official rules of badminton and Uncle Dzul keeps having to instruct us what to do, and we lost the first game. Fuck. I looked at Ayin and I could tell that he was burning up too. There's no way we could lose to Azli AND Jeeha. That first game, we were just warming up. Heh, we owned the second game, which brought us to the tie-breaker, and we gave it our all, even after knowing that Azli was losing his juice.

We then strutted out of the court in style and went to play with the cat-with-many-names (Salem, Salim, Tan Sri, Panther, Twitchy, etc...). Lol. He's seriously a weird-ass cat. He's so edgy most of the time, attacking people, the air, and climbing up and down trees for no reason. He destroyed Ayin's right arm, because he was taunting him with his hands. Scratches and bite marks reddened his arm while he laughed it off. He finds rolling the damn cat so amusing, hahaha. XD My dad said that the cat might be the reincarnation of the late Tan Sri Radin, the father of the owner of the house, because he kept trying to get into the master bedroom and becomes distressed when he can't. When people hold him up, he acts and looks like a human baby too. It is said that he oversees the people staying in the house because he had told his daughter that he doesn't want other people staying there. That's why the cat's always around, and stressed, furthermore.

When we went to the fishing pond, we discovered that there was a dead fish floating in the water, and Ayah was struggling to fish it out with a net, while Shahrul was fishing then. Ayin finally managed to take the fish out and decided to give it to Twitchy, so he asked me to pick him up and bring him there. I came back to the court and asked everyone where the cat was, and I found him trying to climb up the games room. I retrieved him with little difficulty and carried him off to where the dead fish was. Ayin and I watched on with interest as he sniffed at it, took it in his mouth and ran the fuck up a hill. Lololol, Ayin was like, "What the fuck?! I gave it to you! It's not like I'm gonna steal it back, you stupid cat..." Hahaha, we watched him eat the fish, far away from us and just shook our heads. We decided to accompany my brother, who then decided to catch a live, flopping fish for Twitchy.

He had gotten a lot of fish before, but it was all catch-and-release, and now that he has a use for the fish, none of them are biting. Jeeha joined us right about that time, and damn, we ended up waiting quite a while, and dusk was approaching. We were talking about the village-people's news of a real panther-sighting near our area just recently, and were discussing about what we would have done if it actually showed up right there and then. I said that we'd have to raise our hands and shout; basically try to make ourselves look bigger and menacing. Ayin and Shahrul commented, "Well, only you'd have to do that. We don't." Lol, fuck, this is true, since I am the only short one among them three.

We then even heard the grunts of a wild boar and saw rustling in the trees over the fence, and Ayin asked again what we could have done if it comes running down the hill. I said that all I have for weapons are my arms and legs. He raised a fishing rod and said, "I mean, this is the only weapon we've got..." We laughed and said he could cast it towards the boar's jaws and yank it away. Jeeha picked up a broom... without a stick, and we laughed even harder. Like, "What the hell can I do with this?!" Lol, maybe slap the shit out of the boar with dust and stuff. XD

Jeeha soon left to bathe, and it was getting darker and rain started falling. Twitchy had finished his meal and had come down to join us under our shelter. Seems like he's turned mellow now, because he wasn't attacking anything or anyone at all, and we were still waiting for Shahrul to get that fish for him. He finally got one, and boy, this one's a smart one. It's so full of will to live, and it wouldn't let me slide my fingers underneath its gills as it kept them shut tight, dammit. It kept flopping around with more strength than the other fish we've caught too. The hook's stuck deep inside its mouth and we really had troubles getting it out. We started talking about fears of getting the hook stuck in our flesh, and Ayin started telling a hypothetical story, as if we were in a horror movie.

The fish flops around too much and the line and hook swings into Shahrul's eye. As he screams in pain and Ayin and I panic, not knowing what to do, the fish jumps back in the water, pulling the rod and my brother along with it, and he drowns in the water. Just when we were still shaken, the supposed wild boar appears out of the bushes, comes charging at us and... black screen. The end.

Lol, stupid. Like that'll happen. We finally got the hook out of the fish safely and we fed it to the now-mellow grey-black cat again, and returned to the house in the almost-darkness. We wondered about the status of the barbecue we were supposed to have, since it was still raining. We had it after all, and I must say, the mashed potato and fried rice and BBQ chicken and mutton was definitely splendid. Oh, we had some extremely delicious smores too! Zeera and I shared a piece of lamb, and we both food-lovers ate with such passion like Remy from Ratatouille, lol. Ayin said that he didn't even need a plate. He had eight pieces of lamb, just by picking them off his parents. XD

And now came the speeches and the prize-giving ceremony. We all prayed for Tok Bidin's good health, or at least for his peaceful departure, being at 86 years old. Then, everyone, and I mean, everyone we, the kids groaned had to come up front and give a speech. Some were good, some were lame, some were funny. Haha. I first started off with "It's all... about balance," and the cousins who got the joke laughed, while Diha showed me her fist. XDDD But no, seriously, I told everyone that I was glad to be there with them, and that I'm extremely happy that I got to feel closer to everyone as a family. I hoped that we'll be able to do this again every year, or at least every 2 years, as Ayin said in his speech. (Pfft- that liar. He said that he was gonna say, "I have nothing to say and I will say nothing. Thank you." |D)

After all this, we had an official-ish karaoke competition. Abang In did awesome at a 98 score on I Saw Her Standing There by The Beatles, and I came close at 97 score on Zombie by The Cranberries. Jeeha got a 97 as well, on Uptown Girl by Westlife. It sure was fun. Pak Dollah, Pak Long and Uncle Nashar were rather good singers, themselves. Some of the other songs we sang were Livin' La Vida, My Way, The Scientist, Hero/Heroine, Besame Mucho and much more, lol.

It was getting late, and most have turned in to bed, so we switched off the karaoke machine and I went to look at what the others were doing. There was quite a commotion, what with all the amazed cries and laughter. It was Pak Dollah, showing the kids some card tricks. It sure was amazing, and it got me rolling in disbelief, wtflol. Pak Long, who was smoking at the dining table, heard us and decided to join in, saying that he knew how to do the trick as well. Pak Dollah whispered something to him before he began. He asked us to choose a card or two while he's not looking, and he got them right every time. He said that this trick requires the assistance of a certain naughty spirit, and that they only had one to share between them. I was considering believing them when he finally slipped and guessed two of my choices wrong. Embarrassed, Pak Long and Pak Dollah shook us off by saying that their 'little ghost' must be feeling tired. Gosh, I kept my eyes peeled so hard for the trick behind this, as I thought that it might've been a psychological thing.

The magician finally revealed his trick, however. Turns out my own brother was the 'naughty spirit'! He's been leaving signals for his uncles when it was time to choose the cards. Fffff- I slapped his legs in my frustration, lol. The two trickster uncles played some more tricks and entertained us, and then we ran out of things to do. We were just lying around in the living room, bored, when Azli turned on the TV. There was this Indonesian ghost story called Hantu Jembatan Ancol that was juuuust beginning, so we decided to watch that. I know, I know, we don't watch Malay movies, but we just thought it'd be fun to make snide remarks about it along the way, lol. We kept teasing Azli about it, since he was the only one with this super-intense look on his face as he watched the movie, and he kept hugging a pillow. He even cowered behind it during the parts where the ghost appeared. Pssh, coward. He'd better toughen up before his national service next year, because it's gonna be worse there, heheh. We made more jokes about the movie, laughing our hearts out, then went to sleep after it ended, which was at 4am.

I woke up at 10am later, and immediately noticed how especially cold it was that day, and I was even more sore all over. I went to practice my forms and fighting skills anyway, just to get my muscles all loosened up, as usual, since I know I'd be worse off without doing them. After that, I showered and ate my breakfast, and packed up all of my things and loaded them in the car. Before we left, we all had this big family picture taken first. Oh, the merry-making and the laughter ringing from everyone really is nice to hear. We finally drove off, one by one, back to our own homes, hoping that we could do this again next year. :D

Al-Mahmor Family Day - Part I

We arrived within minutes of each other. It was Abang In's family first, since he's officially the organizer, and he said he needed to arrive extra early to hide all the things for the treasure-hunting event that night. When we arrived, it seems that even they haven't finished unpacking, so I figured we were that close. Moksu Shidah's family arrived next (I immediately noticed Ayin's newly-dyed hair and Jeeha's grey contacts, heh), and the first thing Ayin did was scour the place all over, looking for the hidden treasure. No wonder he was missing while Jeeha and I settled to stay in one room, near the kitchen. The adults joked that that was the maids' room, therefore we were the maids. XD

I helped a bit with the unpacking when Mokde and Mak Tah finally arrived. Diha and I hugged, and the first thing she said was, "Okay, wow, all I could feel were those..." referring to my boobs. Lol, damn. We went over to the fishing pond next, followed by Azli, the silent soldier-to-be. Ayin and Jeeha noticed how emo Shahrul was, and the band-aid on his neck, which I didn't even know of, and I just said that it's normal for him to have his own... uh, PMS. Anyway, we caught up and talked for a bit, then decided to feed the fish with some bread. Ayin was being sadistic; purposely leaving large bits just so that he "could watch the stupid fish fight against each other for food." Lol, and he says it with such casualness. Just as we were leaving the pond to go for lunch, a dark grey cat walked over to us, stopped, and barfed up his food in front of us. I'm just like, "Wow, way to welcome us, dude." =w=

Lunch was absolutely brilliant. I could not help but eat A LOT... more than usual. There was beef jerky cooked in rich coconut milk, chicken curry, sweet-sour fish and lots more. Oh, when mixed together with rice, 'tis quite heavenly. Heh, right after that foodgasm, we, cousins played Tahiti with the cards I brought, taught by Wawa, who wants to go to Vegas next year, so she says. I told her that my boyfriend's from there and she's jealous too, just like Jibran. =w=

We then returned to the pond again, since Wawa actually brought her own fishing rod and wanted to teach Zafri how to fish. I was sitting on the railings next to her when Ayin attempted to push me into the water, lol, dammit. I hugged the pillar I was leaning against like a koala. There was a big tug happening then, and I thought Wawa was just playing around, but she swore it was real. Not long after, she actually did get a bite and it was a nice fish indeed! We took pictures because come on, this is Wawa. Fishing! XD But then came the time to unhook the damn fish and everyone immediately pointed to Ayin to do it, since he was a guy. (My dad was there too, but he wasn't manly enough for the job.)

We went back to the house and found that our little sisters were playing in the pool in the courtyard, and Ayin casually washed his hands (that came in contact with the slimy fish earlier) in the pool. The kids first thought nothing of it, until I let the cat out of the bag and they scrambled to get out of the pool immediately, leaving me and Ayin snickering as we walked away. We changed and left to scout for good river-bathing spots up the hill, leaving the retreat area. Diha, Jeeha, Ayin, Azli and I found an opening in the bushes and followed the trail to a nice spot in the river. The water was obviously cold and the rocks were obviously slippery. It seems that while us, girls were taking pictures, Ayin was just standing on a rock when he slipped and fell into the water. We went to dip our feet in the water too, and Ayin threatened to push me again, but I quickly evaded and warned the girls not to give him any ideas. Just then, my brother, (who seriously showed up out of nowhere, lol) now in a better mood, joined us too, and he slipped and accidentally pushed Azli in for real. When we came back, we lied and told the adults that Azli got too excited and jumped in the river way too enthusiastically. XD

It was raining on our way back, actually, and knowing that my weakness was exactly that, I declined the offer from my cousins to play rugby in the rain... but I quickly changed my mind when I saw them all walk off to the field. I ran up to them saying, "Okay, so I really hate getting left behind." Hahaha. We first practiced some throws towards each other, then split into 2 groups. Team A was Ayin, Shahrul, Wawa and Diha, while Team B was me, Abang In, Jeeha and Azli. I don't know who won in the end, but damn, I found out the hard way that Ayin was extremely speedy and evasive.

The rain had stopped, and we joined some of the family members take a dip in the river in front of the retreat area. It was relaxing to just sit in the water, but it was also fun to splash everyone with water! Lol, after we got out, we then found out that Diha actually never learned how to ride a bicycle. My helpful instincts kicked in and I gave it my all teaching her how to do it. There were 4 bikes, but only one was fully functional, and even so, the bike seat was a bit too high for her, who was shorter than me. I remember telling her during our walk back home from the river, "I feel so confident walking next to you, since you're shorter than me." Hahaha, and she was just like, "Yeeeah, I get that a lot. I give everyone that confident air simply because of my height." Or lack of it, you mean. HA. Anyway, lol, we cousins all tried to teach her the best we can. "It's all about confidence and it's all about balance," was the saying from my brother. Ayin was totally the best motivational speaker ever. Poor Diha was psychologically bashed with his harsh words and sarcastic comments, but I soothed her down with my never-ending encouragement and patient words. Lol. When the rest left to play tennis, Diha dejectedly said, "They all got tired of me..." but I stuck through with her 'til the end, because I am that awesome! >|D

That night, I had the same amazing food from lunch for dinner, and then cleaned up the kitchen floor while the adults prayed for Tok Bidin's safety. We then hung out in the games room, where Ayin and I played ping pong. We both weren't that good, but we eventually got the hang of it. After that, the kids, Jeeha and I hung out in my room to wind down for a bit and then went to the living room just to be with everyone else. We tried out the karaoke machine while we waited for the arrival of Mak Yam and Pak Long's families. Once they arrived, we could finally begin the treasure-hunting event.

I got the first clue right (in your face, bro! That's for doubting me! XD) because I knew I saw some coconut trees by the fishing pond while I was taking a walk around with Ayin. The next one, I needed Ayah's intelligence for, and he told me it was in the tennis court, which I would have gotten much quicker if it wasn't for Rin not looking properly in her side of the area. Fuck. The third and last one was obviously under the dining table, but I couldn't have searched all-out because there were some of our uncles still sitting around there, having some coffee. I missed it, but Ayah finally found it, and we went to the letterbox to retrieve our final item. We got 3rd place. Losing to Moksu Shidah's family, I can accept, but Mokde's?! We lost to Azli alone?! Fffff- My pride and dignity... OTL

Haha, well, the day had ended and it was already so late, so most of us had already gone back to their own rooms to sleep. Jeeha, Diha and I were in the so-called maids' room, just hanging out and chatting and laughing and gossiping like the girls that we are. Mostly love-related stories, including mine and Ayin's and his parents', hohoho. So much juicy information, then we knocked out to sleep afterwards.

Raya Day One

I regretted not sleeping last night, since I knew very well how important today was going to be. I did manage to catch a few hours of sleep this morning, before heading out to the capital city to meet up with the others. We arrived first, as usual, somehow. Apparently, Diha told me that they had also just arrived at the location, a sort of vacation house. She and I talked a bit. I had a memory of this place before; Diha showing me her kimono, and she confirmed it. She said she did wear a kimono here before. We also talked about how dull and insignificant our lives are compared to Shaby's, my "health-freak housemate".

Later, when Mokde and Ayin's family had arrived and we all had eaten, someone suggested that "we go downstairs." Thinking it's just exploring the facilities and boring lobbies, we all followed without much thought, and I didn't bring my camera. It turns out that there was a mall underneath our hotel and we were all exploring it in our Raya clothes! Aaah, there were so many beautiful clothes on sale, and I had just received my duit raya but... I feel so reluctant to spend them immediately, nevertheless. ;w;

Eventually, we moved on to the Pavilion, and my brother kept whining about how hungry he is and that he wants to eat, so he borrowed my money for some huge chicken chop in the food court. I tell ya, he's got an abyss for a stomach. He had ice-cream and potato chips on the way to KL, had several helpings of nasi briyani with lamb and chicken, some kuih raya and chocolates... Gosh. We hung around there for a while, chatting away about school, idiots from Ayin's place who don't know English and Physics, and how we're dressed, looking for other people like us. XD

When we realized that it was getting dark and late, only then did we make our way back to the hotel. I ate a little bit more, for dinner, then we moved on to Ayin's house. Took a short shower and went for a change of clothes, then downstairs for fireworks and badminton. It wasn't as eventful as our younger, more innocent days, but tradition must be followed. :3

While Shahrul and Ayin took each other on in badminton, I was accidentally hit on the boob. Ow. I played for a bit afterwards, feeling rather blinded from the shining bright streetlamp on one side and the darkness on the other side, but I'd still say I managed to keep up pretty well tonight, compared to my nights on our rooftop balcony, for some reason. Raya spirit, I guess. Then, we called out Jeeha,  the 'so-called championing school representative' in badminton to play against my brother, who was extremely psyched about the game. Each time Jeeha made a move, we would comment and/or cheer very, very enthusiastically sarcastically. There was one time when she made one shot at the spot where some dragon eggs fireworks were popping, causing us to dub it 'Jeeha's Special Exploding Move'. Each time Zeera flares her big butt out with the normal fireworks, smoking the arena, we'd say that it was a power-up Jeeha used to stun Shahrul. Also, every time the shuttle lands behind her, no matter how far or near she is in the 'court', it's considered an out, because she's such a mighty player. She even caused Dato' Lee Chong Wei to cry. XD

Oh yes, Ayin told me that he was trying to catch up on the new Pokemon, since the last game he played was Emerald. That's great, because I want to be able to talk Pokemon with him again, just like old times. He mentioned his utter distaste of Bidoof in his current Platinum game. Lol. At this point, it was already late at night, and we fear that we might be going home soon, but we're used to stalling my dad from doing so. We went back inside for a game of Clue-Do, which went quite splendidly.

I had wanted to choose the red one, but Zeera had already gotten her grubby little paws on her, so I chose the next closest colour quickly, orange/mustard. Adrin chose purple/plum, and obviously not understanding the rules of the game, only ended up hanging around in corners -suspiciously, I might add- of the mansion on the board. After the game had progressed for quite a bit, I was pretty sure I had nailed it. I knew who the murderer was, what the person used to kill, but not where. I took a wild guess and chose the kitchen since I thought Mustard belonged in the kitchen. It was revealed to be the living room, however. Darn. In the end, it was made clear to all that it really was the suspicious and creepy stalker Plum who did it! >8U

Haha, well, anyway, that about wraps it up. It was a good ending to this blessed day. I can't wait to spend more time at Ayin's house anytime in the future, the whole family together. Even though we did have our Raya in the city and not in a village, Raya is still Raya. Family get-togethers, good food, and laughter is Raya.

The Death Of A Princess

I woke up from a very terrible nightmare that involved death. It turns out I overslept as I woke up at the exact time my siblings got back from school. At lunch, my sister said that someone died. There was an accident somewhere near her school. As I got out of the shower later that time, I thought about how the two mentions of death are lining up. I remember thinking, "This must be a sign..." but I didn't give much thought about it for the rest of the day.

It was around 9 o'clock, and that was when I discovered that Gypsy was dead. Oh, my dear baby princess... Even in her death, she still looks serene and clueless and innocent... Her quills are up, though, but that must be her strong defense mechanism. I cried as I covered her with a fleece blanket. Her burial should take place next morning...

I then took the car out, taking my siblings along. I guess I needed the distraction. I switched the radio on, and there was this stupid One Direction song, but I let it be. Once my brother got in and heard the song, he attempted to change radio stations, but he landed on Adele's Someone Like You. He immediately changed it back to One Direction. I guess he knew. That line, "Never mind, I'll find someone like you," really almost made me cry again. I appreciate that he was being considerate about it, and even tried to somewhat cheer me up.

Thank you.

And goodbye, Gypsy.

Soulless

The body needs food, drink, sleep. The soul needs to sing, dance, love.

I believe I quoted this before. I feel like I've gotten out of tune with my soul recently... I haven't been singing as much as I used to. I haven't been writing well. My dreamcatcher has been destroyed by a stupid cat. My bad luck is worsening.

Always On My Mind

Oh, baby, you are always on my mind too... You are, you are... all the time.

You do not know of the many lonely nights, I cry, for you can never be mine. I cry because we are not always together. I cry because the warmth from your body is absent next to me.

I'll take in every little gesture of love you slipped to me. I plead desperately for your full attention on me.

I do not know who is in your heart right now...

Me... or still her?

Miss Murder

I'm so used to not letting my real words and feelings be heard, that it's become a habit. This habit has gotten me in so much unnecessary problems throughout my life. Oftentimes, after I said what I said, I realized afterwards that I could've said something different; the thought that's already been inside my head, but I ignored it somehow. I'm so stupid, I didn't even hear that one thought that needed to be let out.

It's like... when I'm too choked up on anger or depression, or even simply just desperation, it gets so loud in my head that it blocks out the rest of whatever. And then my stupidity makes me even angrier, that I begin to think of death. Usually the death of the one who pisses me off. These thoughts might grow on me and stick on me, that it might just happen. I've secretly been keeping hold of a weapon in my room in relevance to that thought. I might just, one day, use it... It's so tempting.

I wish Felina would step back a little more now that my plan has come into action. She's getting more and more impulsive and uncontrollable. Takaze's not strong enough to hold her back, at times. I can't blame him, though... she can be quite unpredictable when she steps in. Takaze, you're almost always too late to stop her...

Sometimes, all the things I do to get a result of the old people screaming at me, they were all just an accident. A slip of the tongue. And my goddamn ego is just way too huge to let me apologize. They never knew how I feel, because I never tell them, but I hope for them to get a fucking clue. That's why I write these things here. Maybe they'll see it one day. When it's too late, perhaps. Or maybe not. Oh, every day spent with them not knowing only makes me believe they do not care enough. Don't tell me they house me, feed me, and all that, that's all physical shit. I'm talking about mentally, here.

Heck, I might be a clinically-proven psycho, and they won't even know it.

Lonely Lady

Still single? Can't find the right guy? Always ending up with some sort of loser one way or another?


Of course. That's miserable, pathetic, lame 'ol me.


I'll never end up with the one I love, so it seems. My future love life seems obviously bleak.


Oh, don't worry. I won't end up as a crazy cat lady. 


Just a crazy hedgehog lady.

Just you and me, Gypsy.